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Friday, December 30, 2011

Kind of a step Back :(

I am going to have to start sleeping in "the chair" again at least a few days per week because my back pain is sooo bad. It feels like someone is taking an axe to my lower back just to roll over. My medical ins. changed so my PT went from no co-pay to $50 PER VISIT! Can't afford that so I am going back in two weeks to try and get an "at-home" type of program. In many ways by back disability is a double edged sword. If I could walk, sleep in a bed, take care of myself at 360 pounds, would I have gotten my surgery? I don't think so. Honestly, my food addiction is so real that even the threat of losing my life wasn't enough for me to stop. It took my back making me home bound from the pain and pressure of all the fat that sent me to the place where I knew I would end up like that mom in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" if I didn't get help. I am grateful for my back problems for that reason, but living in so much pain all the time can take it's toll. It's all the more reason to try to get the scale moving in a downward direction again in order to relieve some of the pressure. I have my appt in Jan. with the surgeon to go over my options. If I am part of the 1% freak show of scare tissue gone crazy, then what are my chances of that happening again? Who knows. for now I am still functioning in "grateful mode." :)

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Wow (Christmas pics included)

I had an amazing Christmas. What a joy and wonder it is to be able to participate in life. What a true blessing. For Christmas Eve we had over 30 people here. I was able to do EVERYTHING without a chair! :) Awesome. It doesn't stop here. :) I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and please have a safe New Year!

Below: our tree right after Santa came :)
Below: Our kitchen...
Entry way...
Living room from formal dining room...
Choc. Chip pancakes I made for breakfast before the kids came down... (Nope, I didn't eat any)
The kids coming down and seeing that Santa ate the cookies, drank the milk and wipped his feet from the fireplace on the paper towel... :)
So excited... :)
Paper fight after the un-wrapping! :)
Our "Wall of Love" where we place all our Christmas cards. :)...

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Sexy Santa pic!

NOT! lol But maybe one day... lol In the mean time I have to settle for this...
Taken by my older son during our annual "Operation Cookie Drop." My kids LOVe this tradition and this year I went up to some doors too instead of watching it all from the car the ENTIRE time. Awesome. Yes, we made cookies. Lots and lots of them. I will NEVER take away fun holiday traditions due to my food issues. Food has taken over my life enough without those around me having to give up more and more. We make about 200 cookies, all kinds, then pack them up and "drop" them off to friends and neighbors. I keep a few for our own cookie jar. I find it funny that my weight loss surgery makes my cookie tradition more fun. lol Without it, I would not have been able to enjoy going up to the door, seeing the smiles on friends faces, hear my kids saying "Merry Christmas," all of it. I love my sleeve. I am grateful for traditions, even the ones with food. I will host about 30 people at my house for Christmas Eve. NONE of whom are overweight except me. I will offer all the goodies and they will bring goodies of their own. We will enjoy this day with NO thought to food. No thought to binges. I understand most people try to go in to it with plans of what to eat, bringing their own healthy stuff etc., but I for me the obsession about dieting takes away just as much fun as the being fat in the first place part. I choose to ignore foods power over me. I choose to enjoy friends and family, the miracle of Christmas. I will not obsess about calories, portions, the food table etc. Relax and enjoy your holidays folks. It's the dark of night after the guests leave, when the leftovers are calling my name which is the dangerous part. My solution? I buy HUGE cake pans and give them to each family to bring home leftovers. By the time they have all filled up their pans, there is not much left but maybe enough for my own family to pick on the next day. Good solution for all. My family still gets leftovers but there are not enough for me to eat yet still have enough for the family the next day. Not enough for me to hide a binge because there is so much food no one can tell how much is missing. Not enough for me to binge night after night until New Years because "I am starting fresh Jan 1st! This is the year!" Yep. Been there done ALL that. Food is NOT my focus of 2012. HEALTH is my focus. Dieting can be just as much an obsession as food addiction and it leads to the same place 97% of the time. Jump off the hamster wheel.

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Wow - I tried something new! :)

Let me start by saying I HATE HATE HATE shakes that I have to make because I am too busy. I like to open it and drink it. Period. I have been using Premier Protein shakes from Costco for 8 months now. I like them, but I'm bored. So, I tried something new. I have two months worth so even if I hated it I had to use it. lol I admit it was cool to use the little blender thingy I've had since before my surgery. :) To sum it up... it's no milkshake but it's good! I added half a carbmaster yogurt to make it creamy and yum! I added a handful of ice and about 8 oz of water, but it could have been more water. I didn't measure. By the end of the blending I had almost 20 oz. 150 calories from the shake, 30 from the half yogurt. 7 carbs and 27 grams of protein. I will have the same thing for lunch. I think tomorrow I will add Crystal light instead of pure water to really give it a punch.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Food addiction is SOOO real!!!!!

Not for everyone, but for those that are full blown addicts like me, we have to realize that we will NEVER get to that place to ever really be "free" from addiction. So many food addicts replace their food addictions after surgery with other things, or if you have not had surgery you lose weight but still obsess over EVERY meal and plan it out ALL DAY LONG in your mind. When I used to look at "skinny" girls I would think, I can't wait to look like that and feel great! I would imagine that all my food issues would be gone once I hit my goal weight. "Once I hit my goal weight I will do x,y & z" etc... I was laughing at myself last night because you know you are still a full-blown food addict when you look forward to eating your chewable milti vitamin because the taste resembles candy. :) I have no idea what state I would be in today if I had not had my surgery to help me "manage" my addiction, but it's so important that I spread the message that surgery, dieting, a new "weight loss program" will NEVER "cure" you of a food addiction. Just like other addictions, you can live in recovery, but you have to face the addiction most everyday and be willing to say "no" to your former best friend each time it wants to "get back together." Don't get me wrong, there are days where I feel free, there are days where I regret my surgery because it keeps me away from my besting friend Binging. BUT, most days are filled with appreciation for LIFE. No matter what plan you use to try and get healthy, the goal is LIFE. Not a certain weight on the scale, not a clothing size, but the ability to live life to it's fullest and most sincere. I hope with the new year we all don't bogg ourselves down with resolutions that only highlight our failures days or months later, but we commit any day of the year to try to live our lives to the best of our abilities. I still need to learn this. I still need to work on this in more ways than just managing my addiction. I need to re-learn how I see myself. I need to stop calling myself ugly when my face breaks out or when I catch a look at my hanging skin in the mirror. I need to tell myself that my hair isn't straw and that everyone at church looks better than me. I need to stop looking around a room to see if I'm the fattest one EVERYWHERE I go. Too late to make a long story short, but I chose right now to make a good choice. I am going to get off the computer and be productive. :)
For your viewing pleasure, here is our Christmas tree this year... :)

Sunday, December 4, 2011

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE! :) - pic of this little person... :)

I had an awesome weekend. I watched my older son's school choir sign at the mall then he and my older daughter had an ice skate party with other school kids. This mall is awesome and the ice skate rink is right there in the mall so we spent a LONg day there with the little kids visiting Santa as the older kids were skating, then the performance... And I was WALKING around ALL day and it was GREAT! I have to keep reminding myself that even if I never lose another pound, I am sooooo grateful to be walking. It's amazing. Of the food front, my new "shakes" came in the mail so I am going to try these instead of the Costco brand to see if they keep me fuller-longer. I have an appt with the surgeon after the 1st of the year to get my options for a revision surgery based on what the tissue does during this "mostly" liquid phase. Whatever. I am so happy with what I have already, anything else is icing on the cake. My real challenge is still my back. I can't express how painful it is to lay down or try and get out of bed and I have to do that several times a night with the baby. :) My ins. changed and started all over so I can't afford the $75 per visit co-pay to go to PT three times per week. We will have to make it once per month and the PT will give me mostly a home plan. :( It's still better than nothing.

Sunday, November 27, 2011


I had the most amazing Thanksgiving holiday. My high school friends came from out of state to stay with us and left this morning. We hosted Thanksgiving again this year with tons of friends, I took a ride on the Polar Express yesterday with our friends and my family, I have gone to see downtown Christmas lights, cooked my butt off, all without ANY limitations. We have our newest little addition... I am sooooooooooooooo grateful for my surgery. It's because I prayed and got my answer to move forward with it that I am able to experience the type of holiday I always used to say I would have "next year." No more next year! No more..." by this time next year I will be such and such pounds and be able to do this..." SCREW THAT! The time is now! Today's the day! The moment is NOW! :) Wow. I am happy. Still fat in the eyes of most, but so damn happy.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Update from my dr. appt

Well, it turns out I am indeed the 1% of people who has scar tissue expand. Whatever. I am still VERY happy with getting this surgery and will do a revision if I have too. I am on kind of a pre-op diet again to see if the mass will shrink or if it does not which will tell the dr. the options for revision. I am STILL at 236. I swear my body is working against me at all costs to keep from going down from that number. :) The baby is so perfect and such a joy. All of our kids are adjusting so well to her and having her during this holiday season makes it so much more fun. :) We are having my fiends from out of state join us for Thanksgiving and they will stay a few days. I love hosting guests especially when my body allows me to participate in the fun. We just bought tickets to the Polar Express. I am not worried about the food. I will make the Thanksgiving feast just as I have EVERY year, only this year I will not be rolling around on a chair. :) I hope everyone has a GREAT Thanksgiving!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

I've been busy with... :)

(the photographer came to our house to do the newborn pics. She is taking a shot from above in this pic. :)
This perfect blessing... :) Live is amazing and YES! I owe it to my surgery! I was holding the baby the other day, bouncing her in my arms while STANDING. like a normal mother would. It hit me all of a sudden.. I am standing and holding my baby! Soooo normal for most people but something that brought me to tears. I feel like I am over the weight loss phase of my life. I know 237 is still massively fat for most people, but coming from 360 it feels pretty good. At this point I focus on health. Weight loss is a bonus... lol My appointment with my surgeon is this Wednesday and I will find out if he recommends a revision. If I need it, I won't be able to get it done until the summer. If he recommends the bypass I will NOT do it. I know many have had success with that but the malabsorbtion issues would be too dangerous for me considering my need to take blood thinners from my strokes etc. Again, my first surgery was to save my life. I don't agree with surgery in order to just look better. I will rely on the gym and physical therapy to help with that. :) Anyway, I am a happy girl right now. I am sooo blessed with my family and some good close friends. I am happy to be rid of "friends" who are only around when they want something from you. I feel free from so much baggage by cutting back on the negative influences in my life. It is so much easier to see the blessings you have without all the darkness effecting your vision. :) I feel about fat the same way. I am STILL AND ALWAYS WILL BE AN ADDICT. I still think of food. I imagine the type of binges I could have if I had not had my surgery. I STILL fight regret when faced with the truth that binging is not a way I can cope even if I wanted too. It is so weird for your mind to still want something it knows you are not capable of giving it anymore. That part never turns off and for those who think surgery will kill it 100%, PLEASE know that is NOT true. BUT... it does keep you from giving in because you have no choice. Anyway, I feel that the layers of fat were barriers from real happiness. It's so hard to see through them to the world outside. Sorry, I am all over the place today but I will try to update after my appt. as far as the results. If I am some kind of freak show who has had her stomach grow back, I will not be surprised. :)

Monday, November 7, 2011

Weight Loss Picture update

This pic was taken on Friday night. My hubby and I went out on a date the night before we brought the new baby home. During the date we walked around the mall holding hands, watched ice skaters and went out to dinner. I felt like I was walking on air because I had not done this with him in about 8 years because of my weight/back. (p.s., the pants are a size 18!) :)So, I am now a sexy beast because I fit in to my black boots which I have not worn for YEARS! (My ankles got to fat so they would not close.)
This is me in our hospital room (the hospital gave us our own room, isn't that cool?) right before we went to the nursery to pick up the baby and bring her home. What a miracle that was made possible by my surgery in so many ways. #1, I could not walk more than a few feet before surgery #2, I could not have picked up a new baby #3, I am happier than I have EVER been which makes sleepless night much more bearable. :) Sorry, I know I look a mess in this pic but I had already cried off all my make-up. lol Thanks for all the congrats! I appreciate it so much! I am STILL at 237 which means I have been in a stall for almost 2 months. BUT... my body is still changing and I can do more and more each day so I'm all good!

Friday, November 4, 2011

My BIG news is...

Meet Baby Girl "C" :)

Born today weighing in at 8 pounds 3 ounces, 19 inches long

The birth mother is a friend of our family and she is nothing less than an angel.

I was allowed to be in the room and cut the cord!

One of the most beautiful experiences ever. We've known since the birth mom was about 7 weeks along. We found out about 2 weeks before my surgery. I knew in that moment that I HAD to do this in order to be able to not only be the mom my other 4 kids deserve, but to be the mom this new little one would need. Today was perfect. I just got home about an hour ago. I am in-love. :)

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

BIG hint for my special announcement!!! :)

Big news tomorrow... :)

Got the upper GI today...

I have a ball on top of my sleeve. Nice. I have an appointment next week to talk about where we go from here. :(

Monday, October 31, 2011

I've decided to finally show a pic of my family... :)


This week will be life changing...

In more ways than one. So I may need a revision with my surgery. I have a lot less restriction than I am supposed too. I have NEVER eaten enough food to throw up so I know there is room in there for whatever I am eating. I can still loose weight so for now I'm good, but my sleeve may be longer than average which allows for more room for food. At this point, I can do most things I want to do but my back is still REALLY bad and the more weight I can take off my back the better. It will be good to find out what we are dealing with in case my weight loss stops before I get to a place that is best for my back and hips. Second, I will be able to tell you about my life-changing news THIS WEEK! I am so excited. I owe all of these awesome experiences to God and my weight loss surgery. :) I prayed and prayed about doing it and ALWAYS received confirmation that it's what I needed in order to save my life and it was! Saving my life went FAR beyond physical weight. My heart was dying. My mind was over-run. I felt myself going further and further in to my addiction and I was losing everything about me I once knew. WLS has helped pull me out of that black hole but I have so much work to do on my own. I still have the ability to eat whatever I want and some days it's hard to say no. Not because of cravings, but because of emotions. I am so tied emotionally to food. A holiday is not a holiday without certain foods. I feel like I HAVE to eat it in order to legitimize the day. I know that sounds crazy, but it's my reality. My addition is still here, but I have a tool to try and help me control him. The difference now is that I KNOW I will win.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Pic of another first... :)

(The kid in the orange is not my son, but he was the only kid turned around so I had to block his face) :)

On Friday I was able to chaperone my sons kindergarten field trip to the pumpkin patch. I was enlisted to help hide things in a hay maze, hand out lunches, help in the craft room... :) It was awesome. I will say it again, the surgery was the BEST thing I have ever done for myself, even if the results on Tuesday don't come out as I would want. On that note, at least I will know in less than a couple of weeks if I will need a revision. If I do, I will do it in a New York minute.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I did it! I did it! I did it!!!!! (pic included:) - holy crap I did it!

I slept in my bed!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL NIGHT! FOR THE FIRST TIME IN ALMOST 3 YEARS! We just painted our bedroom so please ignore the bare walls. Anyway, in case you didn't catch that... I SLEPT IN MY BED! I am so excited! I can't explain how it feels to do something so normal to other people, but something I have not been able to do for so long. I will admit, my back hurt like hell but I am going to have to ease in to it. Maybe one day on the chair and one day in the bed until I can get used to it. We are redecorating our room and my hubby cleaned all the carpets last night so since the bed was moved to a new place int he room, I decided, "what the hell?!" Just give it a try for an hour or so..." I waited until about 2am when I was really tired. (I am a total night owl) The next thing I know it was time to get up and get the kids out for school. I guess that isn't technically the entire night, but I don't go to sleep until about 1am every night and get up at 6:30am so to me it's all night. :) Wow, I slept in my bed... he he :)

Sunday, October 23, 2011

This pic is why I don't give a CRAP about the scale...

I have my life back and that's ALL that matters. My daughter took this pic of me this morning because it's the first time in about 5 years that I wore a necklace. I NEVER do because I think it makes my face look too fat. It still does, :) but I'm glad I did it. I am NOT going to weigh myself until Nov. 1st. I have gone down one pound to 236, but I feel GREAT. I can't allow myself to be defined by my scale and get let down by the stall. All I can do is look at the great things going on and be grateful. That's all any of us can do.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

My big secret...

I can reveal the awesome news 2 weeks from today! I can't wait to be able to share what it is!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Recent pic of me from this weekend....

At the FAIR! I have NEVER been since we moved here (5 1/2 years ago) because I could not walk. Not only did I walk, but I pushed our double stroller the ENTIRE time. Yes, that is a corn dog in my hand. lol I bit the top off (the best part)and then gave the rest to my kids. lol On the WL front, I have been stalled for over a month. It sucks and although I try to focus on my new life, it's hard to see the scale not moving. I am going to try some new things to see if that re-starts things. My big secret reveal is VERY soon! :) Stay tuned!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

6 months out follow-up appointment

According to the Dr. I am not losing as fast as others, but I am on track and I will need to bump up the physical activity now. My hormones are RAGING because I am getting my period back which is good because it means I am getting "normal" again but not good because PMS sucks. :) So, in order to start "bumping things up" I walked my son to school this morning! It was sooo awesome! I loved the crisp air, pushing the stroller (for my 2 year old), watching my big boy walk in front of me... :) I am loving my new walking shoes and plan to use them everyday!

I have a friend from church who walks her daughter to school and we are going to walk together every morning. Tomorrow my oldest daughter gets to play with the local high school marching band during the half time show (she is in 7th grade band) so I plan to wear my awesome shoes tomorrow night to help me navigate the large football stadium. I am a freak for pictures so I will no doubt be running all over the place trying to get the best shot of her on the field. I am excited that I get to go and watch her do something she enjoys so much. I am so glad that she gets a mom who is able to attend instead of the old mom who would have had to stay home.

On another note, I took this pic as we were walking out to the van to go to church on Sunday. My 5 year old LOVES to "help" my 2 year old and he is always looking out for her. I love how close they are. :)

Saturday, October 8, 2011

You realize how fat you still really are when...

you go shopping for a Halloween costume. I am still to "fat" to buy a costume from a store. (the plus sizes only go up to 22/24 and although I am in a size 20 in regular clothes, I am convinced the costume "plus sizes" are more like 14's. :) A let down for sure. I was really hoping that this year I didn't have to dress in all black and throw a witch hat on and call it a costume, but it looks like I do have another year of that. :( I am trying not to focus on this, but I admit it stings.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

So awesome!

Yesterday I went walking with a couple of other music class moms! (our toddlers are in the class) Not only did I walk, I walked for over a mile!!!! I warned them that I may not make it more than a block because I have not gone on a walk in over 2 years. To top it off, I wore new tennis shoes (I have worn sandals only for about 2 1/2 years because I could not bend over enough to tie shoes, I wore them even in the snow!) And to extra top it off, I didn't have to put my foot on a chair, or rest my foot on my knee in order to tie them: I could do it by bending over! :) I took a pic to prove it! lol

You may notice I have new music playing... :) Are you ready? :)

So I am still stalled and have been for a couple of weeks now. What really helps me get through these times are focusing on all the great new things I can do. Tonight I am going out with girlfriends to celebrate a birthday. We are going to a downtown area known for walking around and 6 months ago I would have had to pass on the invite as I have done for YEARS. No more! :)

Monday, October 3, 2011

If things gross you out, DON'T look at this pic

It seems my body is not absorbing the internal stitches as it should so one of them started coming out of my stomach! It is the same incision that keeps bleeding and this weekend I looked down and it looked like part of a band-aid was stuck on there and as I pulled a string came out! Then, it stopped and pulled the crap out of my insides! I try to pull it out but you can feel where it is stitched inside my body and causes my entire stomach to lift when I pull. I will see the dr this week. Yuck!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

So hard to keep this secret...

But, I can reveal it soon! It is one of the main reasons I KNEW I had to move forward with surgery. If you already know, please don't say anything here just yet. :) On another front, I am feeling so sure that I need to take the next step and join a gym and get a personal trainer. I have to start from zero and physical therapy is great but it is for stretching and not for weight training. (per my PT) She hasn't cleared me yet, but maybe I can convince her to just let me work on my arms. I re-new my handicap placard today, hopefully for the LAST time. There are still some places where the walk is just to far from the car but as far as other places I am all good. My back is STILL not at a place where I can sleep in a bed and I REALLY want that. I am trying to not look at the negatives of my situation because there is SOOOO much positive, but the fact of the matter remains... I did this to myself. The weight gain on my kind of back disability damaged me further to the point where I could never be 100% again. My beginning stage heart disease can't be reversed. These re things I feel where stolen from me by my food addiction, but I am still mad at myself for not seeing it. All the rationalising, all the new diets on "Monday," the "I am going back to THIs plan or starting THIS plan" is ALL the voice of addiction. And I gave in, BIG TIME. I lost control of who I am. I have said it before... addiction robs you of the life you want, the life you need, and the life you deserve. There is no "I'll start fresh on Monday" when you have forever damaged the INSIDE of your body. This is something I will have to live with forever, but I MUST forgive myself in order to move forward. I am not there yet. The more "new" things I get to do every day is another thing I realize that I was not able to do because of my addiction. It is yet ANOTHER thing I allowed my food obsession to control. I should have been stronger. I should have fought harder. On the positive side, how many 34 year olds get to have a re-birth where almost everything in their life is new? :) I get to experience new things EVERY DAY and I am soaking it up. There will come a day where I get "used" to all these things and I will look back on this site to remind myself to find the joy in every moment of every day and be thankful for the smallest things.

Monday, September 26, 2011

6 months post-op update with new pics!

‎‎6 months out update: I have lost 73 pounds and gone from a size 32/34 pants to a loose size 20. My shirts were size 5X (or around 32/34's) and yesterday I wore a 2X! I still have HUGE boobs and they have only gone down one size so when I post my side pics you will see why I look like a Dolly Parton freak and why I haven't gone down much in shirt size. :) Things I can do: cross my legs, stand and walk for an hour at a time, take showers, lift things, go ANYWHERE I WANT, the list is so long I could never put it all down. If I never lose another pound I am still happy. Right now I'm in a place I have only dreamed of for almost 10 years. I feel like I am dating my husband all over again. He has not seen this part of me since we met 16 years ago. My kids are meeting a new mom. I was all over the place for my daughter's birthday party on Sat. and to most people it may have looked normal but for me it was huge. I was taking part instead of barking orders from the sidelines. I walk around sometimes for no reason, just because it feels like my body wants to move. I don't sit very often at social functions. I can eat anything I want. That is good and bad. Good because I feel so "normal" because I have NO food restrictions, I don't have to "diet" and I can be a part of the crowd. Bad because I still have to make good choices on my own. Sometimes that is harder than other times, but this surgery gives me the upper hand on those choices. My health is great. TMI here... I do have hard stool which is a side effect from my vitamin. I have hair loss but the hair that does stay in my head :) is shiny and healthier than it's been in a long time. I had to have my gallbladder out but I feel NO effects from that and my incisions have not re-opened all week. (I have been trying to take it easy)

My goals for the next 6 months: #1: sleep in a bed. (still working on this in physical therapy) #2: join a gym #3: start walking in October with a few ladies from church #4: DRINK MORE WATER... this is a hard one for me because I HATE water and all things that resemble water. lol #5: look in to breast reduction surgery. Ok, well thanks for reading my update!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

120 pounds lost - weight loss surgery MYTHS


#1, So I read lots of WL blogs and when people are saying why they don't chose surgery they often site weight gain several years after surgery. I would like to point out that weight gain with "normal" weight loss is a 97% probability. It is MUCH less for weight loss surgery. #2, I also read about nutrient deficiencies. I DID NOT HAVE THE BYPASS and I do NOT have a malabsorbsion issue. I take a multi-vitamin and calcium C. That's it. #3, "Your hair falls out so it has to be unhealthy!" If you have rapid weight loss of ANY kind you may have some hair loss. I do have some hair loss but my hair is also much shinier and a LOT stronger than before surgery. #4, You will have gallbladder issues. The reason why 30% of weight loss surgery patients have to get their gallbladder removed is because of PRIOR damage by eating high fat foods for so long. When mine was taken out it was highly scarred and damaged due to the years of abuse I have put my body through. #5, (my favorite) I don't want to take the "easy way out." Nice, and STUPID. With my surgery I can eat ANYTHING I want. NO RESTRICTIONS. This means if I want to eat a gallon of ice cream I could because it would go down just fine. I could eat bags of chips or anything else for that matter. I have to CHOOSE not to every day. JUST LIKE BEFORE SURGERY. I have to make the CHOICE to go to physical therapy and make the CHOICE to drink my water and eat the right food, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. The part that is "easier" is that I don't have binge cravings as I did before and this gives me the boost I need to help make healthy choices. If any of you read my blog before you know that my binging was my vice and it was the thing that was killing me. I had to make a medical choice to get help for my problem in order to save my life. Weight loss surgery is a TOOL I use daily to help me take baby steps toward health and a LIFELONG healthy lifestyle. I have NEVER met anyone who has gained back ALL of their weight after weight loss surgery (unless they have the band, I have met quite a few band people who have(I am not saying don't get the band, I'm sure it works great for a lot of people, I am just stating what I have personally seen in real life with people I know)) but no matter what healthy tool you decide to use, anything that will give you extra control to help you move forward with creating a healthy life is a good thing. That is different for everyone but please, know the facts before making weight loss surgery part of your platform. Sadly, I read these "facts" on blogs where I have watched people gain and lose weight OVER AND OVER again, just like me. If you don't want to do it, just say that. It's not the wrong choice, I am NOT for everyone running out to get surgery. In my case it was to save my life and I would do it 100 times again. It's not for everyone but it's been AWESOME for me. :)

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Today - out of this world!

My sweet little baby girl started dance class today. I got her ready, took a million pics, drove her to class, talked with the teacher, talked with another mom (all while standing), came home and got an e-mail from my sons school about attending "room mom" orientation... Today, I feel as though I am a new mom. After 4 kids, it is only now that my body is able to do all the things I have longed to do in the past. Now I am the mom who I used to watch from my car window, or read about on Facebook updates. I had one of those moments today where I started to cry from the gratefulness I felt. I can now be there person who helps out a friend when she is not feeling well or who makes plans with her family to attend the State Fair. As I tucked my sweet little girl in for her nap I again thanked my Heavenly Father for answering my lifelong prayer about my weight and giving me the courage to go forward even when my addiction was trying to change my mind. Life is so precious. All of this is new for me and I am enjoying these moments. Each and EVERY one. :) Morbid Obesity is a thief. It steals you from life, from yourself and from others. I am glad I did what I had to do in order to lock him up. :)

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I am so tired of reading the same crap on all the weight loss blogs!

I read that a lot. For the most part it is written when someone has found the "answer" to weight loss and thinks everyone else is "doing it wrong." The bloggers are usually in their honeymoon stage of weight loss (yes, there is such a thing) and they "want everyone to feel as good as they do." I admit those type of posts make me a little upset. Yes, on 90% of WL blogs you will see everyone going up and down. You will see excuse after excuse (justifications) as to why they are triggered to eat etc. You will see the "new commitment on Monday" type of thing. My blog was like that for 4 years and I had many bloggers tell me they had the answer and that I was pathetic because I had been blogging so long and losing then regaining weight. WELL... Sorry to be part of the 97% of the world population that struggles to keep weight off. I firmly believe in food addiction. Food addiction has a cycle and part of that cycle, like other cycles of addition include relapse. IT IS PART OF THE PROCESS. I read the same blogs almost every day. I feel like I know these people. We have been in each other's lives for years. I SEE addiction. I watch as the blogger goes down the slippery slope. I read the excuses, I hurt for what I know is happening. BUT, I NEVER say anything mean about it because each fight for health is a journey only that person can take. I had a few comments over the years by LOVING people who were concerned. Really good comments, really ACCURATE comments but at the time, knee deep in my addiction I didn't see it. Now, I see things for what they are and realized that so many were right. It must have been hard for those who cared to read my up and down OVER AND OVER. I often ask myself why I let things get as bad as they did. The simple answer to that is that I am a food addict. I was riding the cycle of addiction and now I am watching that ride take other people up and down the same way. It hurts to read, but I know it is PART OF THE PROCESS. Some people are released from the clutches of addiction. Some will never know that freedom. :( As humans, we are here to love each other through this. Just like you learn in the 12 step programs that are for family members of addicts, YOU CAN'T SAVE ANYONE BUT YOURSELF. Trying to "let people know about themselves" will not help. No one will get there until they are READY to get there. So the next time you my be thinking that you are tired of reading the same type of blogs etc., remember that there is a person on the other side of that blog, maybe you are one of them, who is trapped by food addiction. They deserve love, they deserve friends, they deserve to have hope. I am sooo grateful to those of you who have taken your time to continue to read about my journey. Please go support someone today. :)

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Not many people know about this...


Please click on the link and share. This was approved in the senate this summer and not many people know about it.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Still here

Right after my gallbladder surgery I felt GREAT. so great that the day I got home I started doing regular stuff, going shopping, etc. THEN, about 5 days after I started having HORRIBLE right side pain when I breathed in. I went to my Dr. who sent me to the ER. Turns out I have a side effect from the GB surgery where the lining f your lung becomes inflamed. To top it off my top incision (I have 4) opened so I am under strict instructions not to wear a bra for a week. This is a problem. I am a size HHH so when I walk my boobs SWING AND SLAP TOGETHER. Not pretty. So, i am on self imposed house arrest for the rest of the week. :) Other than that I am feeling great. I have not been getting on the scale because I am just enjoying life. I just remembered so I hopped on the scale yesterday to see that after a three week stall I am down 6 pounds from last week. :) I am 2 pounds away from losing 120. (almost at 70 lost from surgery) This month on the 21st will be my 6 month anniversary of the day I made the choice to LIVE. The BEST thing I have ever done. I eat normal food. I don't diet or count calories. I am "normal." Thank the Lord.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Home From the hospital

Banged up, but doing pretty good. The Dr. told my husband that my gallbladder was pretty beat up. It even had scar tissue! That is what all those years of yo-yo dieting have done to my insides. If you are on that same cycle, please remember that eating crap has effects you can't see. You could be destroying your body from the inside out. anyway, I have blurry vision so I am going to sign off. thanks for all the well wishes.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Second surgery in 3 days :(

Well, I have my second surgery in 5 months coming up in just three short days. I am VERY nervous. The Dr. said it is an "easy" surgery and my recovery should be easier than last time with the WLS. I have morbid thoughts of being under etc. It is weird because my gallbladder attack was only for one evening, then a dull pain for a couple of days and now it's gone. I fell GREAT so it's hard to understand why I need it taken out. BUT, I do know that GB attacks can lead to infections etc. and I don't want it to turn in to an emergency situation later. I still have over 70 pounds to go to reach my goal weight and I am ready for all this medical crap to be over. I will update as soon as I can afterwards. Thanks for caring.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Kinda awesome... :) & therapy session details

I had to go to the surgeons office today to confirm that I need gallbladder surgery and I do. It's scheduled for this Tuesday. (prayers welcome) Anyway, yesterday I had e-mailed is PA with the comparison pic from my last post and she was shocked. :) So.... I have been asked if my pics and story can be used in their education classes and seminars! This makes me feel AWESOME because the reason why I started this blog was to reach out to and maybe help other people who were addicted to food. I allowed myself to get blog bullied by a crazy person and I retreated within myself because that is what the fat girl does most of the time. Puts her head down and tries not to get noticed. I was so sad that my story and journey was lost in the drama. Now, I feel like I get a new chance to help others. I have a new way to reach out to people who are suffering as I did. I went to therapy today and realized my entire outlook has changed in 5 short months. The clouds in my head are all but gone as far as being the fat one who wants to hide in the corner. I have never had a problem expressing myself, but I never felt part of the world around me. I never belonged. I was always the outgoing fat girl who made people laugh or cry. I made fun of myself before anyone else could so I was a “cool” fat person. I was accepted but I knew I was an imposter. They really didn’t know the person inside who was hurting everyday that I was not “one of them.” I could not shop in the same stores, I had no idea what it was like to get asked to the prom by someone who liked you. I smiled for the camera then cried at home. Even in commanding large crowds, I was alone. I now want to break down doors and be present in the world. I hope to be a small part in helping others get to this place. I still have such a long road ahead and a ton more weight to lose so I'm flattered that they want to use my story since it's really only just beginning. I feel so validated that I made the right choice for me. Now, I need to get through this second surgery. Thanks for listening.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Bad News :(

I went out Friday night with my husband and one other couple to celebrate their birthdays and a dull pain started in my right side. I thought it was gas so I took some gas-x strips before we left. As the night went on, the pain got worse and worse. By then end of the night I was sweating from the pain. My hubby took me to the ER. Turns out it is my gallbladder and I have a "ton" of stones. It needs to come out. :( I REALLY didn't want another surgery because the WLS was such a hard recovery for me. I will find out tomorrow when this will happen. We have something big happening in our family in a couple of months and I need to be 100% for that. (can't say what it is right now) Anyway, aside from this, I have been feeling GREAT! I can fit in to a size 20 jeans that don't stretch! :)

Monday, August 15, 2011

new comparison pic! - 60 pounds lost since surgery (in 4 months)

My daughter took this pic of me on Friday before the jr. high orientation. I felt like a million bucks. It's amazing how in 4 and a half months my life can change so drastically. I love my sleeve. I LOVE my life. I am grateful beyond words!

so, 60 pound update... (the other 50 I lost was before surgery)

* I can walk even farther
* I can stand for up to an hour (before surgery I could only stand for a minute or two)
* I have more confidence
* I learned I LOVE to cook! This one is a shocker! Before I always wanted fast meals like fast food or restaurant food because it was "hard" for me to cook meals and honestly I wanted them faster than I could cook them.
* I find myself seeing other "food addicts" everywhere I go. I notice the wobble, the leaning on the carts, the grimace on the face of pain, and each time I want to cry. For them and for me having spent so many years like that. I wish I could run up to everyone and tell them there is an answer. But like with other addictions, they have to be the one that is ready.
* I am a better mother. Stuff doesn't get to me AT ALL the way it used to before surgery. As an addict, I was wrapped up in my addiction. My food and binging came first. No matter how many times I said my family was the most important thing in my life, I was a liar. If that were true, I would not have let myself become immobile and miss out on their lives as much as I did.
* I am a better wife. My poor husband worked full time then had to come home and do everything, do all the shopping, all the set up for any holiday etc. I was present, but I played the role as "fatty supervisor." You know the type. the one that was perched on a couch nest barking out orders to everyone else but never gets off her fat @ss to do any of it herself. Now, I am more of his partner. There are still many things I am not able to do, but I try more and more. I was worried he would have a hard time not being the "savior" after my surgery, but I can tell he is excited for my new energy.
* I am more exposed than ever. My fat shield is coming down and that makes me uncomfortable. My feelings that have been stuffed deep inside my body are moving closer and closer to the surface and this is scary for me. I am still in therapy EVERY week, but even there I don't feel comfortable when I notice that my body no longer allows me to push down my feelings. I try, believe me. It is a mind trip that a weight loss surgery has such an effect on the mind. This is a territory that I actually would rather not go in to, but for some reason my body rejects me repressing things since surgery so I am FORCED to look at things. I hope to be able to share them here as long as I feel safe.

Thanks for looking at yet ANOTHER update pic. lol

Thursday, August 11, 2011

You will NEVER GUESS what I did???!!! (fatty porn pics included) lol

Ok, here's the fatty porn pic. lol You know I love to get in to a bathing suit to really compare. I have the fattest, whitest legs, and no makeup, but I still felt great. Life is for living! :)
I wanted to do something totally different in order to celebrate my new life for my birthday. All the years of putting off the real fun because "next year I will lose the weight" is over for me. Even if I never lose another pound I have to be happy in my own skin. Lose and all. I started the morning with swimming for two hours. I hosted our church playgroup at our neighborhood pool so I was in front of everyone in all my glory. You know I have done this in the past and I firmly believe in NOT stopping your life because of your weight. So, I got some good exercise for two hours. Then, I took my son to his kindergarten testing, went home and got ready for my birthday night. :) My hubby decorated our kitchen so cute and bought me roses. We went to dinner at this awesome Mexican place that serves single small tacos so I feel like I am getting a real meal like everyone else. lol This place is a downtown shop type area that for YEARS I had only seen through a car window, and now I have been there twice in two months. :) Anyway, we sat outside next to the fountain and had a great time. That was supposed to be it, but I had decided earlier that this year I had to do something I ha never done before, and something I COULD NOT do before surgery due to my weight. Sooo... I came up with go-cart racing! I haven't even THOUGHT of doing this in the past because #1, I would be too big to fit and #2, I could never get down low enough to get in in the first place. Last night all that changed. I OWNED that cart, flying around the corners, racing my kids, feeling the wind in my hair... It was so freeing! It was a feeling I have not felt since I was a little girl. After dinner we went home and celebrated with a little cake and gifts. It was the perfect day.