But, I can reveal it soon! It is one of the main reasons I KNEW I had to move forward with surgery. If you already know, please don't say anything here just yet. :) On another front, I am feeling so sure that I need to take the next step and join a gym and get a personal trainer. I have to start from zero and physical therapy is great but it is for stretching and not for weight training. (per my PT) She hasn't cleared me yet, but maybe I can convince her to just let me work on my arms. I re-new my handicap placard today, hopefully for the LAST time. There are still some places where the walk is just to far from the car but as far as other places I am all good. My back is STILL not at a place where I can sleep in a bed and I REALLY want that. I am trying to not look at the negatives of my situation because there is SOOOO much positive, but the fact of the matter remains... I did this to myself. The weight gain on my kind of back disability damaged me further to the point where I could never be 100% again. My beginning stage heart disease can't be reversed. These re things I feel where stolen from me by my food addiction, but I am still mad at myself for not seeing it. All the rationalising, all the new diets on "Monday," the "I am going back to THIs plan or starting THIS plan" is ALL the voice of addiction. And I gave in, BIG TIME. I lost control of who I am. I have said it before... addiction robs you of the life you want, the life you need, and the life you deserve. There is no "I'll start fresh on Monday" when you have forever damaged the INSIDE of your body. This is something I will have to live with forever, but I MUST forgive myself in order to move forward. I am not there yet. The more "new" things I get to do every day is another thing I realize that I was not able to do because of my addiction. It is yet ANOTHER thing I allowed my food obsession to control. I should have been stronger. I should have fought harder. On the positive side, how many 34 year olds get to have a re-birth where almost everything in their life is new? :) I get to experience new things EVERY DAY and I am soaking it up. There will come a day where I get "used" to all these things and I will look back on this site to remind myself to find the joy in every moment of every day and be thankful for the smallest things.