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Thursday, September 29, 2011

So hard to keep this secret...

But, I can reveal it soon! It is one of the main reasons I KNEW I had to move forward with surgery. If you already know, please don't say anything here just yet. :) On another front, I am feeling so sure that I need to take the next step and join a gym and get a personal trainer. I have to start from zero and physical therapy is great but it is for stretching and not for weight training. (per my PT) She hasn't cleared me yet, but maybe I can convince her to just let me work on my arms. I re-new my handicap placard today, hopefully for the LAST time. There are still some places where the walk is just to far from the car but as far as other places I am all good. My back is STILL not at a place where I can sleep in a bed and I REALLY want that. I am trying to not look at the negatives of my situation because there is SOOOO much positive, but the fact of the matter remains... I did this to myself. The weight gain on my kind of back disability damaged me further to the point where I could never be 100% again. My beginning stage heart disease can't be reversed. These re things I feel where stolen from me by my food addiction, but I am still mad at myself for not seeing it. All the rationalising, all the new diets on "Monday," the "I am going back to THIs plan or starting THIS plan" is ALL the voice of addiction. And I gave in, BIG TIME. I lost control of who I am. I have said it before... addiction robs you of the life you want, the life you need, and the life you deserve. There is no "I'll start fresh on Monday" when you have forever damaged the INSIDE of your body. This is something I will have to live with forever, but I MUST forgive myself in order to move forward. I am not there yet. The more "new" things I get to do every day is another thing I realize that I was not able to do because of my addiction. It is yet ANOTHER thing I allowed my food obsession to control. I should have been stronger. I should have fought harder. On the positive side, how many 34 year olds get to have a re-birth where almost everything in their life is new? :) I get to experience new things EVERY DAY and I am soaking it up. There will come a day where I get "used" to all these things and I will look back on this site to remind myself to find the joy in every moment of every day and be thankful for the smallest things.

6 comments:

Sarah said...

You seem so much more postitive about everything since your surgery. I know I'm just reading your words, but I swear they don't seem as heavy, even when you are taking responsibilty for your actions. Sooooooo happy for you!


Sarah
notaneffingdiet.blogspot.com

Amanda said...

Just keep going. As long as you don't stop, you'll get there!

Christine said...

ohhh, I hope it involves little people! lol. awesome.

upinthecosmos said...

I know it's harder said than done but sometimes you need to forgive & forget the past enough to move on to the future. Learn from the past, take the lessons with you but move on cause every day is a new, fresh start when it comes to shedding the weight. It's a clean slate to fix whatever went wrong the day before or days before and make it right from this day on. Kudos to seeking the understanding and accomplishing what you have so far:-)

Sheila said...

Ooooh, a secret, can't wait till you share it! :-) I am so happy that things are going so well for you, I'm positive this will be the last time you need to renew your handicap card. You are SO right about celebrating each and every step you are taking to regaining your health, your quality of life, it feels amazing, enjoy it!

Dea said...

Congrats Lisa, I'm so glad you are doing well. I think the personal training is a great idea once you are clear. The great thing about having a trainer is they will continually push you to try harder and do new things - be open to it and then you'll really see how far you will have come and will continue to experience new things for years to come.