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Thursday, June 30, 2011

Don't look at this pic if you are eating! :)

Right after surgery my Dr. walked out and gave Eric two pics of my new "stomach." It is more of a line now, around it is my liver and yellow fat. I think it's cool to see what actually went on inside my body. It is pretty major surgery to remove most all of your stomach. These pics really send that home.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011


Rejection is big for me. When I put myself out there and get slapped it hurts. I think it is made worse by low self esteem. Fat has given me a wall of safety in some ways because it can console me. When I no longer have food to help me feel better, I am left with the linger feelings of rejection that won't go away. This is one of the reasons I go to therapy to deal with how to process real feelings. Feelings that cannot be pushed down or quieted by massive amounts of food. I do know that I have never had any solid friendships in my life. I know I am not BFF material for most people. I still don't know why my hubby loves me the way he does. Shedding the protection of the binge wall forces me to look deeper in to the issues of feeling unworthy of genuine friendships. I can always accept people who are weird to most, or boring, or lying, or any "fault" that others have because if I don't, they are not my friend. I did this with friends and men. Never challenge anything, always come across as strong and aggressive. Keep up that wall, accept that they are not that good of a friend to me but I would still try because the other side of that meant not having friends at all. I STILL do this. I try to hard. I try to be everything I think others want me to be. I want to mold to what I think they want to keep them around. The truth is, being alone is starting to sound much better than pretending that someone who could care less about me is my friend. I am loving the exposure to feelings that my weight loss has caused. Painful or not, they can't be held back anymore and I have to learn to accept my faults head on. This journey is taking an emotional turn.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Why did it get this bad????????? (with pics)

This year June - 270's Last year June-360's (remember that pic)
Last year Nov - 350's

I was losing my hair, wheelchair bound, but STILL binged. Now, I am 7 pounds away from losing 100 pounds, my hair has grown, and I am NOT in a wheelchair for anything. But I often ask, WHY did I let myself get that way?

I go to physical therapy three times per week in order to re-learn basic human functions such as walking. Like I mentioned before, due to sleeping in a chair (because of apnea and back problems) my legs are VERY stiff and it's difficult to stand straight up and still impossible to lay down. Today I found out that my physical therapy request to have the therapy at a hospital closer to home was approved. (Very cool) But it caused me to once again ask myself how I let this get so far? Why didn't I stop or stick to a diet when I saw that everything around me was crumbling? Didn't it occur to me to stop when I realized I could not longer walk or sleep in a bed? What about that time when I spent our entire summer vacation in a wheelchair? Remember that pic from last year? Why was my need to binge more important than ANYTHING else including my own life or the quality of life for my family? Everyday was a "new day" where I was going to make a change. I would get on-line and read blogs for people who have lost weight or in the process and get inspiration. I would make my healthy breakfast and by lunch I was feeling very sure of myself. Then, the thoughts started. That "voice" I talked about. "You know what sounds good right now? If you just eat it for dinner you can start over first thing in the morning and no harm will be done..." By the time I went to bed I would be so stuffed I could not breathe without leaning back and would wake up vomiting in my sleep. I still don't have an answer for why I did those things. I know I was giving in to my addiction and for the life of me I can't understand what led me than kept me in that place when I would want with all my heart to stop. What I do know is that I never gave up on myself. I remember when my cyber bully was making fun of me and saying that I had already blogged for about 3 years and had never changed. I am sure I am not the only one that had blogged for so long and keep going right back to that place... BUT, people like me should realize why we kept blogging. I told the TRUTH about all the ugly secrets of my addiction in hopes that someone would read it and not let themselves go down that road. Also, I was not hiding my addiction in a dark corner to give it even more power. I opened myself to attacks, hate and ugliness that I can never explain, but I kept going. I read blogs now where people slip up but they don't stop blogging and they don't give up. That is the key and something that I and people like me should be proud of. NEVER giving up. Never saying that fat wins. Never letting that voice consume every last bit of hope. Although I am free from that voice now, I am dealing with the consequences of what I did for God knows how long. Maybe forever. If anyone is reading this, please don't give up. No matter how you choose to fight with weight loss programs, therapy, surgery, your own program, just keep trying. If something isn't working, try something else. Don't give up. I still have soooo long to go. I have the ability now to eat whatever I want but I make a daily choice not to eat things I shouldn't. I know I could go back to my old ways at the drop of a hat. I am still fighting and will have to fight for the rest of my life.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011


I would describe my life since surgery as crazy. I feel like I am floating outside of myself watching a person I don't know. This person can walk, go places, eat normally, enjoy life with her kids and husband. Who is she? I want to be like her. Then, I suddenly realize she is ME! How did this happen? How did I get this life I have always wanted in just 3 months when I have been trying to live this way my entire life? What changed? Surgery. Medical intervention for a very serious food and binge eating addiction. Freedom from the voices in my head that command me to eat and binge. Once that voice was gone, it's like all the other beautiful things in my life became clearer. They had more color, more glow. Why didn't I do this sooner? Because I wasn't ready until now. My "bottom" happened in October 2011. I could not walk more than 3 steps, I was gasping for air. I was home bound. I was hospitalized because my dr thought it was my heart. Turns out EVERY SINGLE THING I HAD WRONG WITH ME WAS DUE TO OBESITY. I left the hospital that day grasping for life. I did not eat sweets or binge eat from that day forward and lost 50 pounds in 4 and a half months. THIS is what made me strong enough for surgery. The addiction was still loud at that point and begged me on a daily basis to give in. the addiction tried guilt, sadness, happiness, lies, anything to get me to break my abstinence. At the same time I was cyber bullied and I was feeling very overwhelmed with emotion. My addiction pleaded with me to binge so these feelings and worries would go away. I knew if I could stay strong enough to fight off it's voice, and find my own, I was ready for the extreme life change of surgery. The VSG seemed to good to be true. a surgery to remove your stomach, leave in about 10% that is shaped in a banana shape which will still function as a stomach would, no vitamin deficiency, no dumping syndrome, no slimming, no food is off limits and because the stomach part that was removed was the really stretchy part is gone, it is VERY hard to stretch it out. The real worry about weight gain comes from SWEETS and soda. The very things I taught myself to abstain from and won. I needed to know that I could make a lifetime commitment to me and the weight loss before my surgery gave me that confidence. I do think I could have still lost weight on my own, but the longer I went with this addiction in my head, it didn't seem to get quieter. I was ready for a forever change. Then after my surgery, the voice was louder than it's ever been. I think it was begging for it's life, but at this point I could not have saved it even if I wanted too. I have decided FOR ME that my addiction was so bad it had taken over my life. Every part of my soul started to panic because I knew it was dying. I couldn't save it. What had I done to this part of me that was always there for me to lift me up, to make me feel better, to be a best friend? Why did I do this? How was I going to be able to live life without it? My body shook, my head pounded, I was miserable. Hating every day. Then, one day, I knew... I was free. My body relaxed, my mind was clear. I was happy. I had won. I still think of my addiction as a person. A person that in a weird way, I was glad to have in my life because without it, I may have never gotten through some hard times. Allowing my addiction to take me to rock bottom is exactly what makes every minute I am living now extra special. I am so grateful for the smallest things in life like walking, being outside, being able to go to the store, hold my kids, go to their activities. I take nothing for granted and that makes for one happy woman. :) I am free. I am free to enjoy the natural ups and downs of life without an addiction. this surgery did what I could not do. It is quiet in my head except for the occasional voice that tells me to plan more things to do this week. :) My weekly calendar is full everyday. I am so grateful for life. I am grateful for all of you in the blogging world that have become my friends and who always encouraged me to keep trying. I am now 8 pounds away from losing 100 pounds and I can't wait to share that moment with you when it gets here and I know it WILL get here. :)

* I have to add that surgery is NOT the answer for everyone, but it was the right choice for me.

Above: My two sons and hubby went to cub scout camp last week. On the last night they had a family campfire where they did skits and cheers etc. I would have NEVER been able to do this last year. there was lot of walking and setting up chairs etc. I could not help but tear up as I sat there watching realizing all the moments I had missed for my kids up to this point, but then again happy for what I can do to help make up for that lost time. :)

Sunday, June 12, 2011

(pic) 12 pounds away from 100 pounds lost!

50 pounds lost before surgery plus the 38 pounds I have lost in the 10 weeks since surgery = a happy me.

My life has changed so much in so many ways. My family is so happy. I am much happier. I am a part of life. My oldest son graduated from 5th grade last week and I was able to attend, stand for pics, walk around. It was awesome and I could tell he was happy. (At my highest weight I had to skip school events because I could not walk from the parking lot to the school door.) My husband's family is coming for a visit next month and I am busy planning away for all the things we can do once their here. My nieces are the same age as our older kids so we are planning a lot of kid friendly things like water parks etc. and I plan to be there! :) I am still going to physical therapy 3 times per week because I have to learn how to sleep in a bed again. (I was sleeping in a chair because I could not breathe and now my leg muscles are very stiff and I can't sleep in a laying down position.) I have been taking SHOWERS instead of baths. (I had to only take baths before because I could not stand long enough to take a shower.) I am still going to therapy because I need to deal with the issues that lead me to a binge eating disorder. I am so glad I used the tool of weight loss surgery to help control the health part of my life. Since I had the sleeve, I have only about 10% of my stomach left which is shaped in the form of a banana. The stretchy part of my stomach was removed so if I take even one bite more than I should it hurts. (I have only done that once. I didn't eat more than my measured portion, but I didn't yet know the signs of being full.) Also, the stomach is the part that produces the chemical that tells your brain you are hungry so without it I NEVER feel like eating. I still eat because I am all about doing what my Dr says and I follow the guidelines 100%. Once my physical therapist clears me, I will get a personal trainer. I can't believe I am actually looking forward to working out. :) When I first did this my recovery was so hard I was regretting it every minute. I was in so much pain, I was starving (the chemical had not left my body yet) and I was expecting to wake up from surgery and feel "fixed." I now know that all of that is part of the process and I am glad I am passed that stage. I feel ready for all the fun things coming up in our lives. I don't know if anyone will get this post, but in case someone does, I just want to give you an update and send out a thank you for caring.