Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Rejection is big for me. When I put myself out there and get slapped it hurts. I think it is made worse by low self esteem. Fat has given me a wall of safety in some ways because it can console me. When I no longer have food to help me feel better, I am left with the linger feelings of rejection that won't go away. This is one of the reasons I go to therapy to deal with how to process real feelings. Feelings that cannot be pushed down or quieted by massive amounts of food. I do know that I have never had any solid friendships in my life. I know I am not BFF material for most people. I still don't know why my hubby loves me the way he does. Shedding the protection of the binge wall forces me to look deeper in to the issues of feeling unworthy of genuine friendships. I can always accept people who are weird to most, or boring, or lying, or any "fault" that others have because if I don't, they are not my friend. I did this with friends and men. Never challenge anything, always come across as strong and aggressive. Keep up that wall, accept that they are not that good of a friend to me but I would still try because the other side of that meant not having friends at all. I STILL do this. I try to hard. I try to be everything I think others want me to be. I want to mold to what I think they want to keep them around. The truth is, being alone is starting to sound much better than pretending that someone who could care less about me is my friend. I am loving the exposure to feelings that my weight loss has caused. Painful or not, they can't be held back anymore and I have to learn to accept my faults head on. This journey is taking an emotional turn.