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Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Rejection

Rejection is big for me. When I put myself out there and get slapped it hurts. I think it is made worse by low self esteem. Fat has given me a wall of safety in some ways because it can console me. When I no longer have food to help me feel better, I am left with the linger feelings of rejection that won't go away. This is one of the reasons I go to therapy to deal with how to process real feelings. Feelings that cannot be pushed down or quieted by massive amounts of food. I do know that I have never had any solid friendships in my life. I know I am not BFF material for most people. I still don't know why my hubby loves me the way he does. Shedding the protection of the binge wall forces me to look deeper in to the issues of feeling unworthy of genuine friendships. I can always accept people who are weird to most, or boring, or lying, or any "fault" that others have because if I don't, they are not my friend. I did this with friends and men. Never challenge anything, always come across as strong and aggressive. Keep up that wall, accept that they are not that good of a friend to me but I would still try because the other side of that meant not having friends at all. I STILL do this. I try to hard. I try to be everything I think others want me to be. I want to mold to what I think they want to keep them around. The truth is, being alone is starting to sound much better than pretending that someone who could care less about me is my friend. I am loving the exposure to feelings that my weight loss has caused. Painful or not, they can't be held back anymore and I have to learn to accept my faults head on. This journey is taking an emotional turn.

6 comments:

samiam4eva06 said...

I dealt with a lot of rejection before getting married, mostly by men. Its def hard to deal with for anybody. I agree that our fat gave us something to hide those feelings with. Good for you for realizing that and congrats on your new turn in your journey!

Just Lisa said...

I say that you should dump anyone who makes you feel like you're not worth enough. Your real friends will stand by you!

PS-- I hate using this account, please switch me to my good one! :)

Sarah said...

What you described is what a lot of us have gone through and deal with too. It sucks, because I don't really like to be an emotional person either.

Sarah
notaneffingdiet.blogspot.com

Jean said...

Dang, girl! If we were still on Trivento, and you were on Larino (was it Larino?), we'd TOTALLY be BFF, even with the 20-year-age difference (I know, I'm so young! :-)

So glad to see you enjoying your weight loss and the new weight (and counting).

As for rejection and feeling unworthy, I read an article once by the actor Charles Grodin: "Everyone is having a harder time than it appears." That really hit home for me. ALL of us have struggles. ALL of us fear rejection and try to cover it up somehow. All of us fear we are not worthy.

You're not alone in your struggles. You're not alone in your successes. You'll have setbacks galore. Just keep on moving forward. You only fail if you quit. Yes, those are bromides, but they're true.

Know that I love you and miss you. I'm SO happy you've got your life back!

Much love,

Jean

Sunny said...

I second Just Lisa. Said it perfectly. Get rid of anyone who does't treat you as the wonderful person you are. :)

Manda said...

Glad your realizing your worth! Thats in all relationships. Its a hard, tough lesson learned. I know I have been dealing with this regarding friendships myself. After doing through therapy and really dealing with the issues of being alone. I let go of those bad relationships with "supposed" friends as well. Definitely a weight off my shoulders. I miss them at times but glad to put my foot down. You deserve genuine friendship...