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Friday, March 30, 2012

So last night's OA meeting was about being honest sooo...

I will share a FB post I made yesterday in order to be honest about my feelings on this blog. sometimes I am afraid to share here because of cyber bullies, but the entire point of having a pubic blog is to SHARE and be HONEST so maybe it will help just one person. Here it is,,,

Thanks for your nice comments. I will admit, I feel like I am not putting my full energy in to being grateful. I can't explain it, but the heartbreak of this failure is getting me in ways I didn't think it would. When I started this journey, I just wanted to walk. Now, I am realizing I wanted so much more. A lifetime of being the ugly girl in the room, or the fattest, or the girl with a nice "personality" has shaved away at my self esteem since I can remember. I was the fat daughter, the fat cousin, the fat friend and that's the only identity I ever had. I would make fun of myself to ease the pain of someone else beating me to it and I learned this since before I started school. I've never known normal. I have had to buy fat clothes since kindergarten. I have never had a free smile for a camera without thinking of my fat face. I have been dieting since I was 7 years old. I was praying for some kind of freedom from these bonds that hold me down. I have always been unhealthy. I have thyroid disease, PCOS, infertility, hormone imbalances, joint problems, tumors in both breasts, I have Tachycardia (heart murmur and fast heart rate) beginning stage heart disease, sleep apnea and the list goes on. I want to be free! I want to feel normal! I want to be pretty. I want a body that is not broken. I know I am selfish; people have things so much worse that me. I have an awesome husband and wonderful kids. BUT... I still need to lose more weight to resolve some of these health issues. I want to be around for a long time. I want to shop in a regular store for something other than earrings. I am sad. I am scared that this is it for me and my kids and husband will never know what it's like to have a normal mom & wife. I want to water ski and ride some rides at an amusement park. I want to go in a hot air balloon and zip line through a forest of trees. All things I am still to FAT to do. I want more. I am sorry. I feel like I am running uphill with a life trapped in fat trying to catch me. In my daydreams I am pretty, I am able bodied and I can do things where I feel the wind blowing through my hair. I am adventurous and nothing holds me back. I know that girl. I feel what it's like to be her in my heart. I am jealous of her and in some ways, I hate her because no matter what I try I can't be her. I want to be her.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

I still don't know what to do... :(

I am sooo torn. Some days I am so ready for the bypass. Others, I want to just fix the sleeve and try again. I am scared of the bypass and the long term effects. On the other hand, it could cure my PCOS. I am so messed up inside trying to decide what to do. Does anyone have an opinion they would like to share with me? I am so desperate for input on what to do. :(

Monday, March 26, 2012

Sooooo pissed off today

My damn WLS office STILL did not turn in my paperwork! I found out today from BCBS that they turned it in TODAY and it STILL was not filled out correctly. They are at lunch right now so I am counting down the minutes until I call and go off on them. I am fit to be tied right now. I know WLS is big business but I am a human being and deserved to be treated like one.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Pics: one year ago today...

I decided to change my life forever.
I would like to be chirpy and happy with this post. I would like to focus on all the wonderful things that have happened to me as a result of getting this surgery. I can't. Today I feel like I have failed. I know I should not compare myself to others, but as far as other people I have seen, I am a failure. I worried this would happen. I worried that this was not my last stop. I kind of feel like I went through all the above and a recovery that was HORRIBLE just to lose 70 pounds. 70 pouds is great, but when you are as fat as me, 70 pounds is not a lot. I did have a moment today when I was out shopping for my friend's Bridal Shower I am throwing on Friday and I did realize that one year ago I would not have been able to walk around. I do see the good. I do enjoy the moments that I have been blessed with. I don't understand why today, of all days I am not able to focus on that part of this journey. All I see is a girl who is less fat and who needs MORe surgery to keep going. Wow. Debbie Downer today or what? I am grateful for this surgery. I am grateful for my blessings. I just with I could tap in to that tonight. I thought at that moment, one year ago, by this time I would be "normal." I would have been able to be pretty in the eyes of others, shop in a regular store, sleep mostly in a bed. I told myself that this would be the only time I would have to do something this drastic in order to get the help I need. One year later and I am looking at more surgery. Still stuck, but my quality of life has improved DRASTICALLY. I MUST CONCENTRATE ON THAT PART! Sorry for this unpleasant, poor me post. I guess I just needed to get it out of my system.

*** No one has permission to copy or use these photos***

Monday, March 19, 2012

Interesting... Leftover Freak-out

I have a serious problem with "wasting food." Even when I am full, I start to feel a little panic about the food going to waste. I can't really keep leftovers because I am a binge eater and leftovers are a SERIOUS trigger. I will start asking everyone if they want to finish my food, if they don't, I still wonder what I could do with it so it won't go to waste. It's in that moment where I start to wish I had my old stomach back so I could finish that food and binge. The mind is powerful. Why does my mind freak out at the thought of wasting food when I see other people casually put their scraps of leftover food in the trash like it's nothing? Especially if we eat out. I remember taking the kids to McDonald's for a play date and I was mortified at the amount of food the parents were throwing out. They would buy a meal for their little ones knowing they are way to small to eat all that food and after the little one took about three bites, they threw the rest of the meal away! Why should what they do bother me?????? It is none of my business! Why is "wasting" food such an issue for me? I always buy my kids a normal amount of food for their age and if they finish and they are still hungry, then I will get them more. 90% of the time, they don't want anything else. Why is it almost painful for me to watch someone at another table throw away food? I do this everywhere. If we are at some type of fun event where there is food, I see what people are eating and what they are "wasting." This is something I struggle with every day because this is part of my food addiction/obsession. Right now there is a SMALL amount of food left over from dinner last night. I have been thinking about it ALL NIGHT/DAY. It is such a small amount I could just throw it away and get rid of the temptation, but I can't bring myself to do that because it would go to waste. I used to have several friends when I was in high school that would take a few bites of their burger and then throw the rest away. Even then I would always ask them why they were doing that and didn't they want to save it until later. I envied their nonchalant approach to food. I imagined how free my life would be if food didn't have such a strong hold on me. I still daydream about the day I can go ANYWHERE without thinking of food. Even after my surgery in the few months where i did feel free from this, I worried that feeling would not last and of course it didn't. I long for those days again. No matter what surgery I will ever have or what diet anyone will ever try, if you are a food addict you will battle the addiction forever. I am really hoping that after a few months of OA my obsessions will decrease to a point where I can enjoy my day without any thoughts of food. My food or SOMEONE ELSE'S! :)

Friday, March 16, 2012

Ok, everything is in as of today...

for the appeal to my insurance. I should find out within the next couple of weeks. Something I find funny, I tried to call around to make appointments with other WL doctors in the area for a second opinion and none of them would see me because they will not cross my sergeon. The nurse flat out told me they won't see his patients. They act like he is a WLS God or something. I sure hope he is because I have no other options. :) I do think he is awesome, but his office staff have major room for improvment. As long as the guy cutting me is a rock star, I am good.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

That's enough of that...

Pick yourself up by your big girl panties and move forward. That's what I intend to do. I will NOT get rid of my gym membership even though we need the money for my medical bills. Why? Because of I don't make myself a priority, I will have MORE medical bills. I am also going to the Dr. tomorrow to get a new script for physical therapy because my body hurts from all the years of food abuse. I have another appt next week with my hospital nutritionist, I will move forward with OA and I will spend the money I need on my goals without guilt. I can't let these set backs keep me from moving forward. I am going to fight my ins. for this appeal. I have a million reasons to get up and put one foot in front of the other. It's easier said than done, but HAS to be done.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Do you ever feel bogged down by reading weight loss blogs???

I read so many blogs where you see people OVER AND OVER again slipping back in to their addictions. It's actually hard to watch. I feel kind of depressed. Some people I have been reading for years and yet it never changes. (like with me) I think the only difference is that I admit it and TRY not to give excuses. It seems to me that the obsession with food goes far beyond food itself. It's the obsession with the "new plan" or "trying it this way" OVER AND OVER. IT never stops. the new goal, the new program, starting again today type thing. Do you really need to analyze yourself and make up new reasons why you eat every day of your life? do you really need to start something new the next day? Do you really need to say "I had a bad day but I'll get back on the horse tomorrow" for the 100th time in a year? OR do you admit you have a food addiction? Do you throw your hands up and say, I am not in control and food has taken over every moment of my life?! It's so hard to keep leaving supportive comments over and over again when I see the truth as too what is really going on. On the other hand, I do NOT believe in being mean or rude. So, I shut down. I stop commenting. It really doesn't matter what any of us say if the person doesn't want to see it. I see myself as an addict. I obsess over dieting as much as I do over food. I am thinking about what life would be like as a skinny person daily. I am always looking down the road. I am tired of this fight, yet I have no choice. Along with the therapist, nutritionist, working out and the dr., I decided to go back to OA. I contacted the group. I am going to try it out on Saturday. My main focus is addressing the addiction. I felt "cured" for a while because for a few months after surgery I had no desire to eat. I was free fort he first time in my life from all the obsessive thoughts. Now that the swelling has gone down and the novelty wore off, my mind is once again consumed and when I read other weight loss blogs who are filled with other addicts trying to rationalize why they are doing what they are doing, it is just a brick to my face reminder of how far I still have to go. I just don't have it in me anymore to keep supporting the lie. I have no idea what the point to this post is, but all I know is that I need to focus on my OWN journey. I need to stop reading certain blogs that make me sad. I want to be supportive, but I feel that I can't be authentic until I myself am in control of my addiction. I am also going to clean my blogroll. I have some one there that don't post much or don't read my blog and i want to be able to concentrate on supporting those who are supporting me instead of trying to spread myself too thin. If you want to be on my blogroll, please let me know. Thank you so much for all the support. Thank you for listening. Thank you for understanding that I am a woman who is addicted to food and although I have sometimes months of great times, I will always come to a point where I have to put up the good fight again. That part will never change. I am an addict. I always will be. ETA: I know your support and comments have helped me so much through all my stages. I want to be able to do the same for others with a whole heart. I just hurt for them so much which makes me hurt extra. Maybe I am too raw right now to help others. Maybe I am not qualified to offer support since I can't get a hold of myself. I don't really have anything supportive to give to an addict who can't help themselves and I will NEVER stoop to the level of being mean so the old saying goes... if you have nothing nice to say... :) I feel the same way about myself. I would like to beat myself over the head with a bat and stop obsessing over food. not going to work. The negative self talk doesn't work either. The only thing I can do is force myself to move forward with the best intentions. To keep pushing. To not give up. That is all any of us can do. Thanks again all.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

some TMI good news

I started my period today. 29 days exactly from last month. I haven't had a cycle under 32 days since I was in high school. Even with fertility medication. nice to know that something is going right inside this body... lol :)

Monday, March 5, 2012

Keeps getting worse...

I was trying to find out how much I paid in medical last year for my taxes so I called the hospital. They told me the amount I paid, then told me the amount i OWE... $9,700! WTH??? I was NOT expecting that number. It turns out that they were behind in the billing and so that is why I had not received all the invoices. I thought I had about $3,000 due was was making payments. This changes a lot. #1, I can't afford the gym or a personal trainer anymore :( My trainer is going to give me things to do at home, but this sucks big time. #2, Even if I do get approved at this point, will they do the surgery because I owe so much money? I am going to try to pay as much as possible to show them good faith. Our medical insurance SUCKS and only pays like 60% so if they do allow me to get the surgery, how much MORE will that add to my huge total? The $9,700 is not all from my surgery. If you remember I was hospitalized for about a week about a year in a half ago for all obesity related issues. (It was when I knew I needed surgery) Then, I had to get all the clearances from neurology, hematology, cardiology and then I had physical therapy for months after my surgery. I will need all this again to get another surgery. Wow. One smack in the face after another. No happy posts here for a while... It seems to me that when things start to suck, it happens in waves. This wave is crashing on me. the worst part is I feel trapped in this body.

I feel like all this stuff happening will keep me here. :( I am still grateful to be able to walk and move around, so I have to focus on that, but it gets harder and harder to not want more. I would love to be back/hip pain free, I would love to not have sleep apnea, I would love to get rid of the PCOS which raveges my body... Whatever.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Oooops. I may have started something...

So the ins. lady at my surgeons office will NOT call me back. It has been SIX WEEKS. I found out I wasn't approved by the ins. company who said she did not submit ANYTHING like even a REASON why I needed the surgery. Just asked for approval. No upper GI results, no physical therapy, nutrition, or office visit info. So finally, I was done. I called the office and talked to the office manager. Even if someone is busy, they can find the time to call you within 6 weeks. Give me a break. Then, what kind of insurance person submits an approval request with no info? I was told yesterday that they are now having a meeting with the surgeon, the PA and the ins. girl about this. I didn't want to get anyone in trouble, but do your job! I tried to do it the nice way by calling politely but there is only so much I will bend over and take and after 6 weeks I feel like it was time to ruffle some feathers. If i need to go to another surgeons office, I will. I just need to know what is going on. Whatever. On a food note, I binged yesterday. A real binge, like to the point of feeling sick. AND, it was ice cream of all things. I can only eat a few scoops which is WAY less than I could before surgery, but the reality is that I still binged. I ate to the point of feeling gross. AND, ice cream is a red food for me. Off limits. Once again, it proved to me that I am not there when it comes to processing my feelings without the instinct to eat. I was mad at the dr.s office and right away I ran to Baskin Robbins. Here is the mortifying part. The guy at the counter remembered me. He said, "Oh, your the one who likes the tall spoons right?" Nice.

On a happy note, the pic of the day is my oldest daughter who has been running track for her middle school and so far has placed in both meets. We are all VERY proud of her. It is so nice to be active in my children's lives and no ice cream should tear that away from me. I can't let it.

* she is the one in 2nd place