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Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Pics: one year ago today...

I decided to change my life forever.
I would like to be chirpy and happy with this post. I would like to focus on all the wonderful things that have happened to me as a result of getting this surgery. I can't. Today I feel like I have failed. I know I should not compare myself to others, but as far as other people I have seen, I am a failure. I worried this would happen. I worried that this was not my last stop. I kind of feel like I went through all the above and a recovery that was HORRIBLE just to lose 70 pounds. 70 pouds is great, but when you are as fat as me, 70 pounds is not a lot. I did have a moment today when I was out shopping for my friend's Bridal Shower I am throwing on Friday and I did realize that one year ago I would not have been able to walk around. I do see the good. I do enjoy the moments that I have been blessed with. I don't understand why today, of all days I am not able to focus on that part of this journey. All I see is a girl who is less fat and who needs MORe surgery to keep going. Wow. Debbie Downer today or what? I am grateful for this surgery. I am grateful for my blessings. I just with I could tap in to that tonight. I thought at that moment, one year ago, by this time I would be "normal." I would have been able to be pretty in the eyes of others, shop in a regular store, sleep mostly in a bed. I told myself that this would be the only time I would have to do something this drastic in order to get the help I need. One year later and I am looking at more surgery. Still stuck, but my quality of life has improved DRASTICALLY. I MUST CONCENTRATE ON THAT PART! Sorry for this unpleasant, poor me post. I guess I just needed to get it out of my system.

*** No one has permission to copy or use these photos***

12 comments:

Lawgirl said...

Sending much love to you, my friend. You're allowed to feel what you feel.

Angela/Pretty in Orange

Linda Sherwood said...

With your upcoming revision, I understand why you are not upbeat with this post. It's OK.

I wish you the best on your continued journey. I am so glad that you are able to see the improvements in your quality of life.

Sunny said...

It sounds like the old you talking. I know that when I have lost weight in the past, the voice that tells me I am still worth nothing is what has brought on the eating again. You gotta let go of those old tapes that run in your head. You are wonderful right where you are. Yes, you can still make strides to continue to improve your life and you should. The thing is, there is never a "you've arrived" moment that lasts. There is always going to be maintainance, etc. You (and I) will have to accept that this struggle is not one that ends at any certain weight. Accepting ourselves and learning to cheer every victory is hard, but so very important. Keep going, because the only way other direction is back. Sending hugs.

Laryssa said...

Concentrate on the good aspects. You're able to get around a lot easier and a whole lot more than before and you've become a more integral part of your family's comings and goings, being able to participate in their lives every day. Those are so important but most importantly, you're recognizing what your problems with food and addition are, and you're addressing them. You're fighting the demons that so many people can't.

Embrace your 70lbs gone and be proud that, even with your addition issues, you haven't put those pounds back on like some people have. Be proud of what you HAVE accomplished! :)

Lori said...

Girlfriend,
You are NOT a failure by any means. You lost 70 lbs. That is a major victory.

I can identify some with how you feel though. I never thought it would take me 3 years to get to my goal weight. But it has and I still have a way to go to get to my goal. It is easy to focus on that, rather than what I have accomplished. I have to remind myself of that all the time.

You'll get there. I know you will.
Lori

JC said...

So glad you visited my blog and left a comment. I think you are so brave to have had this surgery. I may need it but I'm just not the brave. I've heard that the surgery is a tool not the answer so maybe that is what you are experiencing. I've lost 90 and gained back 45 so I'm a fine on to be talking about successful weight loss. My blog basically about whatever strikes me at the time. I'm adding you to the blogs I follow, I'm looking forward to knowing you. BTW, in 2009, I married a man 8 years older than me who has grown children and grown grandchildren who are now having us great-grands. Life is great. Fat or not.

Katy said...

I agree with Sunny. This sounds like the old you talking. I've read your blog for a long time, but never comment. So...HI :) I think sometimes we get into the mindset that my life will be good/happy/perfect...when I do X or look like X or be a certain weight, or live in X neighborhood. While I think it's natural to a certain extent to have goals and work towards them, I think sometimes it can rob of us how beautiful our life is NOW. I think back to times in my life and it's only after I look back at them, do I realize I was happy and content. We tend to romantisize the past AND the future and fail so misrably at really living. Your body, if you do what's right for it, and listen to it, and nourish it with healthy food, will respond. I know...that's the hard part :)! It is for all of us. I wish you the very best. Know, you're not struggling alone.

Taryl said...

You're not a failure, but I understand feeling that way! It comes over all of us at one time or another, and with another surgery coming I don't blame you one bit for feeling less accomplished than you should. That's a lot, emotionally, for a person to take :(

susan said...

Many of us have days like this. Perfectly normal.
This too shall pass ... you have overcome so much.

mamajuliana said...

Failure? No Way!

You are dealing with a lot, but you are moving in the right direction~

Christine said...

70 pounds is a ten year old. No small thing. Do not focus on what you have not done yet. Know that you will. That is all. I believe in you...you believe in you too.

Lyn said...

It definitely does sound like the old you. And I relate. The old me has been talking lately too. It is hard to lose a bunch ("success") but not all we need to ("failure"), but as long as you are still working at it, it is a work in progress. And you can't judge the end result until you get there. I believe you will get to your goal. It is okay to be sad, just don't let it linger or comsume you.