I read so many blogs where you see people OVER AND OVER again slipping back in to their addictions. It's actually hard to watch. I feel kind of depressed. Some people I have been reading for years and yet it never changes. (like with me) I think the only difference is that I admit it and TRY not to give excuses. It seems to me that the obsession with food goes far beyond food itself. It's the obsession with the "new plan" or "trying it this way" OVER AND OVER. IT never stops. the new goal, the new program, starting again today type thing. Do you really need to analyze yourself and make up new reasons why you eat every day of your life? do you really need to start something new the next day? Do you really need to say "I had a bad day but I'll get back on the horse tomorrow" for the 100th time in a year? OR do you admit you have a food addiction? Do you throw your hands up and say, I am not in control and food has taken over every moment of my life?! It's so hard to keep leaving supportive comments over and over again when I see the truth as too what is really going on. On the other hand, I do NOT believe in being mean or rude. So, I shut down. I stop commenting. It really doesn't matter what any of us say if the person doesn't want to see it. I see myself as an addict. I obsess over dieting as much as I do over food. I am thinking about what life would be like as a skinny person daily. I am always looking down the road. I am tired of this fight, yet I have no choice. Along with the therapist, nutritionist, working out and the dr., I decided to go back to OA. I contacted the group. I am going to try it out on Saturday. My main focus is addressing the addiction. I felt "cured" for a while because for a few months after surgery I had no desire to eat. I was free fort he first time in my life from all the obsessive thoughts. Now that the swelling has gone down and the novelty wore off, my mind is once again consumed and when I read other weight loss blogs who are filled with other addicts trying to rationalize why they are doing what they are doing, it is just a brick to my face reminder of how far I still have to go. I just don't have it in me anymore to keep supporting the lie. I have no idea what the point to this post is, but all I know is that I need to focus on my OWN journey. I need to stop reading certain blogs that make me sad. I want to be supportive, but I feel that I can't be authentic until I myself am in control of my addiction. I am also going to clean my blogroll. I have some one there that don't post much or don't read my blog and i want to be able to concentrate on supporting those who are supporting me instead of trying to spread myself too thin. If you want to be on my blogroll, please let me know. Thank you so much for all the support. Thank you for listening. Thank you for understanding that I am a woman who is addicted to food and although I have sometimes months of great times, I will always come to a point where I have to put up the good fight again. That part will never change. I am an addict. I always will be. ETA: I know your support and comments have helped me so much through all my stages. I want to be able to do the same for others with a whole heart. I just hurt for them so much which makes me hurt extra. Maybe I am too raw right now to help others. Maybe I am not qualified to offer support since I can't get a hold of myself. I don't really have anything supportive to give to an addict who can't help themselves and I will NEVER stoop to the level of being mean so the old saying goes... if you have nothing nice to say... :) I feel the same way about myself. I would like to beat myself over the head with a bat and stop obsessing over food. not going to work. The negative self talk doesn't work either. The only thing I can do is force myself to move forward with the best intentions. To keep pushing. To not give up. That is all any of us can do. Thanks again all.