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Friday, March 30, 2012

So last night's OA meeting was about being honest sooo...

I will share a FB post I made yesterday in order to be honest about my feelings on this blog. sometimes I am afraid to share here because of cyber bullies, but the entire point of having a pubic blog is to SHARE and be HONEST so maybe it will help just one person. Here it is,,,

Thanks for your nice comments. I will admit, I feel like I am not putting my full energy in to being grateful. I can't explain it, but the heartbreak of this failure is getting me in ways I didn't think it would. When I started this journey, I just wanted to walk. Now, I am realizing I wanted so much more. A lifetime of being the ugly girl in the room, or the fattest, or the girl with a nice "personality" has shaved away at my self esteem since I can remember. I was the fat daughter, the fat cousin, the fat friend and that's the only identity I ever had. I would make fun of myself to ease the pain of someone else beating me to it and I learned this since before I started school. I've never known normal. I have had to buy fat clothes since kindergarten. I have never had a free smile for a camera without thinking of my fat face. I have been dieting since I was 7 years old. I was praying for some kind of freedom from these bonds that hold me down. I have always been unhealthy. I have thyroid disease, PCOS, infertility, hormone imbalances, joint problems, tumors in both breasts, I have Tachycardia (heart murmur and fast heart rate) beginning stage heart disease, sleep apnea and the list goes on. I want to be free! I want to feel normal! I want to be pretty. I want a body that is not broken. I know I am selfish; people have things so much worse that me. I have an awesome husband and wonderful kids. BUT... I still need to lose more weight to resolve some of these health issues. I want to be around for a long time. I want to shop in a regular store for something other than earrings. I am sad. I am scared that this is it for me and my kids and husband will never know what it's like to have a normal mom & wife. I want to water ski and ride some rides at an amusement park. I want to go in a hot air balloon and zip line through a forest of trees. All things I am still to FAT to do. I want more. I am sorry. I feel like I am running uphill with a life trapped in fat trying to catch me. In my daydreams I am pretty, I am able bodied and I can do things where I feel the wind blowing through my hair. I am adventurous and nothing holds me back. I know that girl. I feel what it's like to be her in my heart. I am jealous of her and in some ways, I hate her because no matter what I try I can't be her. I want to be her.

13 comments:

Lawgirl said...

Hugs and love to you. I know that you can do this. Look at what you did on your own before surgery. You can do this.

Angela/Pretty in Orange

tz said...

I'm pretty envious of 'that girl' too as well as also wanting to be her. Although I'm not sure that losing weight will help with my fear of heights, so the hot air balloon will probably be out forever for me :D Hang in there.

mamajuliana said...

hugs...

Princess Dieter said...

I've always been sickly. Glasses at age 11. Bad teeth. Pimples. Asthma so bad I had steroid shots at age 9, and that started me plumping up. Depressive since age 8/9. Bad joints since age 30. Thyroid issues. Was prediabetic. TMJ. Etc.

And yes, I'd love to be normal and beautiful. But I'm not..and after being obese, my skin doesn't fit. And it won't ever fit again...

So, some things, we can't have.

BUT...you can have better health, more attractiveness, more strength and flexibility and mobility, more self-confidence, more self-love.

Remember, your husband didn't ask for a normal sized woman. He married a big one. Clearly, this is not an issue for him. He loves you AS YOU ARE. So do your kids.

What they want is a healthy mom who is able to love them with energy. Focus on what you CAN have...a slimmer and healthier (if not necessarily skinny) body, stronger, fed with wholesome foods and exercising consistently for muscle and stamina.

You have to make sacrifices to get this. All of us do. Stop buying stuff that's not healthy. Not for you, not for the kids (except for, like, birthdays for a special variation). Ask your hubby to help you NOT eat the wrong stuff. Let the family cooperate. It can help if everyone around you supports your MISSION for health. Think of it as a mission: it requires you give up stuff, do something hard, but it's for an ultimate good.

Really. You can get to a happy place. It may not be the ideal place. Many of us just cannot have that. Period. It's a fantasy. It's not reality.

But reality can be so much better. You can do this. Believe that. Stop seeing past failures and focus on success for today and tomorrow. One day at a time....with God's help and the support of the ones who love us.

TheMegan2.0Project said...

Focus on how far you have COME! You are still ahead of where you started. Life happens, and we fail. We MUST learn from those failures to truly move forward. I hope you can learn more things that work from you to help free you from the person you once were, and help you become the person you want to be, without forgetting that you were always YOU! <3

Anna Down Under said...

We have a lot in common. I've always been the fat girl, even when I was 8 or 9, and I always felt out of place and like I just wasn't good enough. I was never thin enough, pretty enough, or well-liked, at least that's what I thought. I felt so FAT in high school (but what I wouldn't give to be that size now). I thought no guy would ever want to be with me, though I did have male friends. Years later I found out one of them DID have a crush on me, and another that I occasionally hung out with had considered those to be "dates" - I never knew! At age 38 I was diagnosed with PCOS, and a few years back I learned I have hemochromatosis (iron overload). Now I've been told I'm pre-diabetic. It seems there's always something else waiting to steal my health and happiness. But this time I'm determined. I do NOT want diabetes, and I do not want to waste any more of my life battling my weight. So now my goal is to weigh 150 by age 50. I don't care about skinny anymore, I just want to be healthy. I deserve it!

The Lovely One said...

You haven't posted your weight in awhile so I don't know how much you currently weigh. But I think you can do those things, at least some of them. I don't think you should let your lack of self esteem prevent you from doing things. Go to the amusement park and get on that roller coaster! So what if it turns out that you can't ride it? A few cruel people who you'll never see again might snicker? And what if you CAN ride it? Then you'll get to experience something that you've always wanted to do! And you'll be more motivated to work hard so you can try the next thing, like zip lining or sky diving! Good luck!

Taryl said...

Thank you for sharing your feelings with us, and I know I understand your feelings and others have had them, too! You deserve more from life than being 'the fat girl' and there is nothing wrong with going out and grabbing it for yourself. The question becomes the how, and that's where the snag is.

Be like water, Lisa. Keep flowing and eventually you'll find the path you need to take, but it might be a little longer and more convoluted than what you prefer :)

Kelly said...

My heart hurts for you so much, Lisa. Is it time to accept now that surgery will not be and is not an option? Remember how you dropped some weight before the surgery last year? Because I do. And I remember your focus during that time. You can still be thinner and healthier, and like Princess Dieter said, if we want those things, then we all have to make sacrifices, and we all have to make choices. It is not super easy, I know, because I struggle with it every single day. But it can be done, and I know you can do it, because you did it last year before your surgery. Don't count yourself out just yet. Love you.

JC said...

You are her; you just don't see it yet. You are beautiful; I really studied your before picture and you most recent picture. You were beautiful and loved before your surgery and you still are. So honesty is a great thing and you have been honest with yourself and had the guts to be transparent on this blog. I applaud you. I read the other comments and see none that I would consider bullying rather people seeing themselves in you, just as I did. Now that you have been transparent it is time to as my Mama would say, "Pull up your big girl panties and deal with it." There are plenty of people and websites ready to tell you what to do but only you can do it. The ability to change ourselves comes from within ourselves. I decided to begin change my thoughts about myself and when I did my world began to change. I tell my self that I am beautiful, loved, blessed, healthy, wealthy and wise. Just something to think about, feel free to tell yourself the same thing and watch as your thoughts, words and actions come in line to bring about the things you confess about yourself.

InWeighOverMyHead said...

Thanks all.

JC - I don't publish the comments from internet bullies. :)

Taryl said...

How are you doing, Lisa? I was thinking of you today and hoping you were feeling balanced and healthy and not so despairing. Are you processed your feelings well right now?

Big hugs and I hope you have an excellent day!

JC said...

Oh my goodness, I hope you didn't get any internet bullies. Thanks for visiting my blog and leaving a comment.