Confessions of a fat ass

* I wear pads EVERYDAY because I can't make it all the way to the bathroom before my pee starts to come out.

* I wear sandals most of the time (even if it's 30 degrees outside) because it is hard to put on my shoes.

* I went to Lane Bryant the day before Thanksgiving to find a new shirt and all the size 28's were too small on me. (Remember I have BIG boobs) So, the only thing I could buy FROM A FAT LADY STORE was earrings.

* I have started to get skin irritation under my fat rolls.

* I have fat on the BACK of my neck.

* I no longer fit in to any of my clothes so I wear and wash the same three tops all the time.

* I have ONE bra. My boobs are so big I have to get special bra's made so I can't afford more than one. I have had it for SIX years.

* I don't go to the store because my back hurts so bad I can't walk down the isles.

What I plan to do to help these things... The WL surgeon gave me a 1200 calorie diet that you are supposed to start 2 weeks before the surgery. He said I could start it early. I am going to get started on that. THEN, I will have a life changing surgery that will create a PHYSICAL barrier which will prevent me from overeating. During this time, I will work on getting my mind to understand that i can no longer cope by using food. Before the surgery i will attend a support group AND OA. By this time next year I will not be a fat, unhealthy, ugly person, but a fit and HEALTHY person and I am happy that i made a decision to change my life. :)

Pics of the day... My kids performing at their school choir Christmas concert and my 3 year old with his antlers on. :) He would NOT take them off and insisted on wearing them to the store.

UPDATE! with pics

The appointment with the weight loss surgeon went GREAT! Because of my history of strokes he is making me go to one of the countries top neurologists to asses my extra risk for pulmonary embolisms due to surgery. He also referred me to a hematologists to triple check for blood clotting disorders. The Dr said I could lose about 110 in 18-24 months so the WL with the sleeve is slower than the bypass but I would not be doing it for pounds lost. I just want a better quality of life. The newest fat news is that I can't make it to the bathroom all the way before the pee starts to come out. I weighed in at the Dr's at 305!!! He said the incontinence is normal among the SUPER OBESE! Yikes! Anyway, I am going to make my appointments with the specialists when Eric is off for Spring Break so he can man the troops and I can visit with them kid free. I got a packet for a 1200 calorie diet that is mostly liquid to be started 2 weeks before surgery. I also received a prescription for a patch that goes behind my ear that I have to start wearing the night before surgery. This is moving so fast! I still have a target date in March because I need to wait until ERic is off for Spring Break so he can take care of me and the kids. The two BIG things I am worried about are blood clots and going without my blood thinner I use due to my strokes TWO weeks before surgery and I can't start taking it again right away because it will slow down the healing of the stitches and stomach. These are all things to talk about with the Dr's. On the flip side, if all goes well my life will change for the better FOREVER! With the sleeve there is a chance to stretch it out again, but not NEAR the size of what it is now so I would NEVER be this fat again. I can't imagine coming out from under my rock to join the land of the living and take my kids to amusement parks, go shopping without pain, walk down my street, HOLD MY PEE IN till I go to the bathroom, make dinner standing up instead of using a rolling chair to get around my kitchen... The possibilities are endless. I am going to start the support groups and OA THIS month so I have several months of "help" before I have the surgery.

Pics of the day... My baby in the room with me waiting for the Dr, the view from the window in the room, and where I went after the appointment in TRUE addict form...

Nice.

Visit with the WL Dr. TOMORROW! - and pics of this...

The Baby's first snow... :)

As you can see, it SNOWED this morning! I LOVE it! :) Coming from Southern Cali we are NOT used to a change of seasons and things like this make us sooo happy to live here.

So my appointment is tomorrow at 9:30am! I am soooo excited. I can hardly wait to see what the surgeon says and how soon I can get the surgery AND which one I will decide on FOR SURE. I will update you tomorrow!

Thanksgiving pics!

Food, food, food... And I loved every minute. :) I DID think ahead and bought lots of tins for everyone to take home TONS of leftovers so I consider that a success. :)

Pics of the day...
Below: the kids in our backyard before dinner

Me

My kitchen/adult tables before dinner

Below: the kids table/dining room

Dinner...

Game of Pictionary for the adults

Dessert

Game of "Pin the hat on the turkey" for the kids...

Then we all sat around the fire and took turns saying what we were grateful for.

It was a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Yes, I am guilty of...

Scraping this bowl clean tonight. Oops. :) At least I didn't lick it. lol

Pic of the day... I finally got a pedicure thanks to my friend Joni who gave me a gift certificate as a thank you for throwing her baby shower. thanks Joni! I feel like a woman again. haha

I hope everyone has a wonderful day tomorrow. We will have nine adults and 14 kids. :) I can't wait. I LOVE the holidays. Happy Thanksgiving!!

GREAT GREAT NEWS!!!

My mom and her husband will help us finance the WLS! So... I have a private consult with the surgeon Dec 3rd at 1:30p. :) The soonest I could get it done would be during spring break because Eric would be off work for a week, then my mom can come for another week to help out with the baby. (You are not supposed to lift over 20lbs for a few weeks after and the baby is 29 lbs) In the mean time, I am going to do WW on-line and try to be as healthy as possible for surgery.

Pic of the day...

All the food we had for last years Thanksgiving. :) We had such a great time with our friends. I can't wait til' Thursday.

Got on the scale this morning...

I am BACK UP TO 300 LBS. I am sick over it. Just sick. The negative self talk is in full swing.

Anyway, where was I in the husband story... Oh yes, we had just finished with the cheating part. So... we went back to the same old same old after her. He would bring food to my house, we would eat, watch a movie, spend the night, spend holidays together, but never in public. I had not met anyone in his family or his friends. About seven years in to our "relationship" I woke up one morning on my couch. I worked pretty far away and had a big commute so I needed to get up by 5am. I noticed the clock said 10am and I panicked because I was so late for work. I went to get up and my body was not moving. It felt like my entire body had fallen asleep. I ended up being able to rock myself over the side of the couch on to the floor. The phone was on the floor and I went to dial and could not move my right arm. I tried to dial with my left and it took a LONG time. I called my mom. When I went to talk, all that came out was mumbling. In my opinion, my mom had never had a maternal bone in her body towards me but that days she knew it was me and said" I am on my way over." When she got there, she panicked. She had worked in the medical field for 20 years and was a manager of a cardiologists office and knew what strokes looked like. she kept trying to get me to drink a diet coke and said that would make me better. Finally she called 911. I could not open my right eye or move my right side. The ambulance guy was hot and I was sooo embarrassed to not have my make up on. About two days before that Eric has dumped me AGAIN, same old thing, I am not his type, he could never marry me etc etc. My mom said she was going to call him. I said no because he had NEVER seen me without makeup on (in seven years), I was drooling out of the side of my mouth and could not open one of my eyes, not exactly an argument to take me back. (which I begged for all the time even though I never did anything wrong.)

I was in the hospital for FIVE days before they FINALLY took me to get an MRI and saw two strokes on my brain stem. This is an entirely different post because my medical care was so bad my moms boss had to get one of his neurologist friends to come and see me in the hospital. Ok, so back to Eric. He came to the hospital, but didn't stay every often. He says to this day he did, but he didn't. I could tell he was freaked out but I didn't know if it was because of how I looked or that he thought he would be obligated to visit me etc. One of the nights he brought me chicken soup because I would not eat the hospital food. I couldn't sit up without feeling sick anyway. He had to feed me the soup because I could not lift a spoon and naturally some feel out of my mouth because it was droopy on the right side. I was soooo embarrassed. He did come with my mom to pick me up from the hospital. Sorry, this is where I start to cry. It feels like yesterday...

He stayed with me that night. I was in such pain because the Dr's said as your nerves start to repair themselves, it shoots off a little zap and my arm felt so bad I could not sleep. the only time my arm felt better was when it was straight up in the air. Naturally, I could not sleep that way so Eric stayed up all night holding my arm in the air even though he had to work the next day. He stayed with me for over a month taking care of me. He started telling me he loved me. I had my stroke October 17th and on November he took me IN PUBLIC to buy Christmas decorations for my house AND to an antique store all decorated for Christmas. He called his mom from my house and asked if I wanted to talk to her. He changed so much. I finally got up the nerve to ask him why and he said that not matter what he had done to me over the years, I still stayed with him and never left. He never thought that it might be God that could take me out of his life and leave him with no choice. I swear to you that he he changed it to the man I knew was always inside him. 10 months after my stroke (8 years after we had met) he asked me to marry him.

We were at an Angels baseball game (my TEAM) :) and during the fireworks show after the game, the song "A Moment Like This" by Kelly Clarkson came on and I noticed Eric got up. I turned to see where he was going and he was in the isle on one knee. I never heard what he said because everyone was cheering so loudly. With fireworks and a perfect song in the background, I said yes. Since we were married, there had never been a day when he doesn't do something for me. He does the dishes, laundry, takes care of the kids, tells me he loves me, GOES OUT IN PUBLIC (though I am the one who doesn't want to now because of how fat I have gotten.) He has never called me a bad name. He cuddles me. He says I am beautiful. He WISHES we had more sex. lol He is my best friend. The VERY sad thing is that if had never changed I still would have been with him. God Answers prayers. He answered mine when it came to Eric. He still says he's sorry for the past and how he treated me. Sometimes I think all he does now is a way in his mind of making up for it. Secretly, I feel I deserve it after what i went through but it doesn't make me any less grateful. He has been there through every diet, infertility, adoption, emotion, losing my grandparents, EVERYTHING with love and understanding. He would give my anything I wanted if he could. 7 years later, I still have the best husband in the world. :)

Pics of the day... I know I have posted these before, but this when he proposed. I HATE how fat I look from the side, but this is all I have to capture that moment.

Below: before the game started...

Afterwards at my house with the flowers he bought me on the way home...

So here's the dish on my husband...

I LOVE him! :) I like that Lisa asked what has changed so I thought I would do a post about our history etc. First, let me update you on the weight loss seminar. LOVED IT! I am leaning towards the sleeve gastrectomy because it has less risk then a bypass but you lose weight faster than a band. I can't see taking the risk to go under for a band because you only lose about 40% of your excess weight in the first year. The band is still on the table since I am not going to be able to do any surgery til my husband is off work in the summer so he can help hold down the fort during recovery. The Dr said last night that he would have to send me to his own neurologist and hematologist for screening due to my past strokes but I had figured that anyway. He won't risk it unless they say it's ok. I would have to go off my blood thinner which FREAKS ME OUT but the changes in health if it works outweigh the risks.

Ok, on to the story of me and my husband... When I was 15, I lived on my own with a roommate in an apartment. I didn't not live with parents of any kind so I would have wild parties etc all through high school. (I mention this so you understand why I was out so late wen I met Eric) So anyway, I had just graduated one month prior. I was 17, going to turn 18 in August. On July 15th my friend and I went to a party. After the party ended she said she had to drop off a baby gift to someone. (It was almost 3am.) I said, whatever, let's go! (oh to be young) Turns out her friend was Eric's roommate and he had just had a new baby. We knocked on the door and a handsome black guy wearing a USC sweater (in 100 degree weather) answered the door. Little did I know I just met my future husband. We hung out there and partied that night and I never expected him to call when I left him my number. He did call about one week later at 2am! I knew that was a booty call so I said no. SLOWLY we started chatting on the phone and hanging out. He had tons of girls and walked around with a list in his wallet rating them. I was on the bottom of about 25 girls. He was not nice to me. He was a mean player type and I was a fat white girl with VERY low self esteem and I was VERY lonely. In my twisted mind, I thought that if I tried hard enough I could make him like me and believe me I tried. This went on for a couple of years then he started coming over to my apartment. (I had my own place my then and lived alone) He would lie to his friends about where he was and told me to lie if they ever asked. He didn't want them to know he was with me. We never went out, I was a "secret." Sadly, I was not new to this. I was always the "secret" girlfriend when I was growing up. the one you said you liked to their face but then said no one could know. If you tell, I won't be with you anymore kind of thing. So sad. It makes me cry to think about.

Anyway, over the next few years it was the same. He would "hang out" with me for a weekend or so, he would come over for Christmas Eve and all the nights before the holidays... It was a secret life of sorts. All the while a real relationship was developing. He was tender sometimes. He did things for me and we would talk for hours about things. This was my validation that I must be worth something if a guy like this actually liked me! His friend unexpectedly passed away and I was there for him, I helped him with all his graduated school work (I think I did most of his papers :), he would help me if my car broke down, all the normal couple stuff except I was still a secret. In fact, he would tell me I was not his girlfriend, I was not his type, he did not want to be seen with me, etc. Every other week he was threatening to never talk to me again, he said he was with me because he felt sorry for me... all types of things, then the next day he would show up like nothing ever happened. He never apologized. I always did for things that were not my fault so he would not leave me. I was pathetic. Sad. Scared. So this went on for about 6 years.

One night I was on the phone with Eric when my other line clicked. I clicked over to see who it was and it was a girl who said HER name was Lisa and she was Eric's girlfriend for the past six months. I clicked over and asked Eric if it was true and he said it was. This slut talked to me for HOURS that night telling me all about things they had done etc. He took her to VEGAS which I PAID FOR! He told me it was a work convention so I PAID FOR THE TRIP AND FOR SPENDING MONEY. She met his friends, they went out dancing, out to dinner, on dates, he took her kids to the park for dinner!!!! Get this, she had FIVE kids by different dads. I was devastated. Just a few night before this he was telling me he loved me etc. He told this girl he didn't like me and that he felt sorry for me etc. She knew all about me. I was sooo hurt. I had put up with him for SIX YEARS and he never took me anywhere but did for this girl. So one day I went to her work to meet her and guess what???????? SHE WAS FATTER THAN ME! And old. At least 10 years older than me and could not support herself. She was a class "A" loser. So from that situation, Eric apologized and told me he did not like her and because he didn't like her he didn't care about taking her out. What???? Whatever. Still pisses me off to this day. Being the fat, low self esteem girl I was, I took him back. I loved him. I ALWAYS told him there was someone else inside of him who was kind, loving, caring, and one day I would get that guy to come out. I asked Eric to take me out after this and he STILL didn't. Ok, that is a lot of typing for today. I will finish the story tomorrow...

Pic of the day... I know I have posted this before, but it's our engagement pic...

So... let's start again with some ugly truths...

To kick of my (once again) renewed efforts, I want to give some raw truths about me. Would you expect anything else? :)

1. Still can't wipe front to back because I can't reach back there. (too fat)

2. I have some ocd thing when I take a shower because I ALWAYS wash under my fat rolls first.
(I sure hope you are not eating as you read this...) lol

3. I hate sex. My husband can go for HOURS and I guess some would like that but I don't. the sooner it's over the better.

4. I was molested by my 16 year old neighbor when I was 9. He was my babysitter.

5. I only have half siblings. My mom had two more kids after me with her third husband and my bio father had two other kids with his wife. My mom and bio dad never married. I am the oldest. All are at least 7 years younger than me. I feel like and only child that does not belong anywhere.

6. My Papa and Grammie were my lifeline, my heart and soul. Without them I would not have had a chance to know some kind of normalcy. I miss them so much every day. Can't really talk about them much. To painful.

7. I am Mormon. It's a shock to most and I haven't really talked about it much here. I LOVE my church. Although some feel there is a lot of pressure to "look" like everything is perfect, I never sign up for that so no one expects anything from me. :)

8. I was with my husband for 8 years before we married and during that time he NEVER took me on a date. He said he was embarrassed by me being overweight.

9. I do on-home daycare and love it. I love being able to be home with my kids, I like the kids I watch and I don't have to work about over time or driving to work in traffic everyday. Downside: we are forever broke because I don't watch as many as I could like a "real" in-home business. I just don't want to worry that the kids I do watch are not getting enough attention etc.

10. Last but not least; I am jealous of pregnant and skinny ladies. Both are things I can't seem to achieve.

Pic of the day... the first time I was able to get two TINY ponytails in my baby's hair. :) Sorry. Ever since I was stalked by the anti adoption group, I have to make sure I don't do full front shots of my kids. I still think you can see her full cuteness from the side... :)

p.s. I am going to the WLS seminar tomorrow night. I am NOT giving up on the surgery, just doing WW unti I can get it. I will update you tomorrow.

I have made a really important weight loss decision...

I am going to give WW ONE LAST GO-ROUND before WL surgery. I have two big reasons. #1, MONEY. There are a LOT of things I can do with $13k. #2, I have been reading up on-line and even though the band heals quicker than the bypass, I would still need about 6 weeks to get back up to par and I am going to be taking on new daycare kids and need to be 100% while they are here. So... I will give myself until June. Eric is off work for the summer (he is a teacher) so he can help me with recovery if needed. This will also give me time to save money. In the mean time, I will go to WW with my friends/neighbors and give it 100%. Yikes. Here we go again!

Pic of the day... My older kids school Veteran's Day program. I love stuff like this.

We have lift-off!

I have my computer back with a new GIANT flat screen monitor our friend gave us in return for some babysitting. I LOVE it! So... back to pics of the day tomorrow! :)

Feelin' good because...

I have THREE friends who are going to do WW with me so I know that will help the ho-humm feeling I have about going back. I got my computer back so my husband will hook it up tomorrow. We have a new screen too! Today we had a 40th birthday surprise party for my husband. I will post pics tomorrow. I ate WAY to much BBQ but dang it was good! :)

guess what I just had for lunch...

a big mac, fries and a 10 piece chicken nuggets. nice.

When it rains it pours...

So turns out my husbands crappy medical insurance has an EXCLUSION on weight loss surgery. If I want it I will have to finance it 100% and that would be about $17k. Oh joy. So I was sitting down on the toilet the other day and noticed that my fat roll was really hard instead of jiggly and started pressing down all over and getting concerned. Then I realized that the hardness I was feeling was my legs UNDER my fat roll. Yummy. If my gut gets to much bigger the next thing I will be feeling underneath it is my knees. Yep, I need surgery but can't wait til I can figure that out so guess what???? You are NEVER going to guess... I am going to do WW again while I am trying to find a way for surgery. Yep, AGAIN. I think this makes my 22nd time. I know WW LOVES me because they know I will always return. Still no pics of the day because I still don't have my computer.

Sorry

My computer took a dive and we have been computer less. Should get is back by next week. About the WL surgery visit. It was a bust. Turns out the person I saw was NOT AFFILIATED to the actual surgeon's, just rented space in their office but was asking for referrals from other Dr's offices and she does not even do the surgeries! I called to complain to the office manager and she gave me an appointment with the ACTUAL surgeon for Nov. 12th. Geez. Anyway, I am back up to 292. I will find out next Thursday which surgery it will be and I can honestly say I am READY to move forward. Please forgive my lack of posts for the next week or so. Our computer will be fixed soon. I am having picture withdrawal. Our friend who is fixing it for us said he had to use FOUR dvd's just to copy my pics. lol