I had an AWESOME night last night, and I made a decision...

I was feeling like crap, a little sad about the sleeve situation etc. I am really sick with a sinus infection and I wanted to just go to bed early. BUT... I went to the gym to workout instead! I was so damn proud of myself I smiled all the way home. This week I lost 6 pounds total. Soooo... I made a decision. I am going to wait on everything. I have another appointment with my WLS next week to ask if they fix the ball of tissue thing, will it offer ANY relief. Even small relief from this horrible hunger. If it will, I will get it done asap. If it won't, I will just wait. I will see how far I can get by the summer and go from there. No matter what we do, all of us, not matter if we have had WLS, or we are on a diet program, it all comes down to willpower in the end and I WILL fight for myself. I AM strong. I have come so far. I believe in the sleeve. It has taken me half way. I still recommend it to everyone because for 97% of people it can take you all the way. Anyway, I also believe in exercise. I NEVER did it before and it should have been part of what I was already doing from the beginning. Now that I hit the wall, the stronger I make my body, the better my chances are that I can use that strength to bust the hell out of that wall. :)

Yes, I am still STARVING everyday. That part is really hard. Some of you have asked for a sample of what I eat... Here is sample of what I eat in a day to stay around 900-100 calories

Breakfast: protein shake, 30 grams of protein

Snack: 2 pieces of light baby bell cheese, 14 grams of protein

Lunch: 2 oz of tuna on 1 slice of toasted whole wheat bread: 15 grams of protein

Snack: carb master yogurt, 8 grams of protein

Dinner: chicken breast, no skin with one cup of veggies sprayed with "I can't believe it's not butter" spray, 20 grams of protein

Evening Snack: Protein shake, 30 grams of protein

Total protein per day around 100-115 grams. This should be more than enough to keep me full with a sleeve. I drink around 70 oz of water per day. If I am in the mood for dessert, I have a no sugar jello or pudding. This is why the Dr's can't understand what is going on. I don't drink soda, I don't eat rice etc. If I eat carbs it will be fruit or low fat wheat crackers.

So there you have it. I am going to try and starve it out for now, but I am more than open to learning more about the bypass. Especially because my PCOS is HORRIBLE and it would be awesome to not have to deal with that anymore. Either way, I MUST keep going with the gym and physical fitness. I know some can lose the weight without exercise, but if your goal is to be healthy, you have to move and I have spent enough years sitting on my ass.

So here's the deal, I need your thoughts please...

I need to start by saying, I need opinions, just be nice about them. :) Thanks. So anyway, my WL surgeon said yesterday that he thinks I hit a brick wall with my sleeve. I have not been in a losing weight phase for months and this early out that is not normal. The upper GI said I do have that weird ball of scar tissue that grew on top of my sleeve but the contrast stuff I drank shows it is not large enough to make that big of a difference as far as the restriction goes. My sleeve itself looks fine, not irregularities, dilations, nothing. Both dr.s can't understand why I have no restriction when my sleeve is the same size it was right after surgery. Basically, because it's unexplained they have no advice other than to revise to the bypass. Here's the thing... I didn't choose the bypass in the first place because of the malabsorbtion issues. I have a lot of medications that I have to take for the rest of my life and that will be a problem. On the other hand, I suffer so much with the PCOS and the bypass can cure it in 97% of people. I am really not sure what to do. I just started with my personal trainer and I want to see where that takes me, but I also want to lose more weight for less pain for my back and hips and to get rid of the PCOS. Because I only have 10% of my stomach, I don't get to eat as many calories as "normal" people do. If I go over 1200 calories per day, I will gain weight so "dieting" for me is really hard because I have to eat around 800 calories per day in order to lose and with NO restriction, I am STARVING all the time. I am so sad about this because the sleeve is the perfect answer for this if it worked for me. I feel like I have failed. I was afraid of this.

BUT, my sleeve HAS DELIVERED ME from my former self. IT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE. Remember, I was so deserapte to walk and be able to do things with my family. Now, there is pretty much no limit to the things I can do. For that, I am so grateful and even if I knew I would never go farther than I am now, it was worth it. Had I known about the PCOS cure with the bypass I may have gotten it in the first place, but thats neither here nor there. With all these body issues, I just keep telling myself that only I am in control of how STRONG I can be. The sleeve, or my messed up body can mess with my weight, my PCOS, etc., but it can't stop me from going to the gym. It doesn't keep me from trying to become as strong as possible. I am going to focus on that for right now. My questions is, do you or someone you know have the bypass? How is it going for them? What do you think I should do? Thank you.

** I just want to add, thank you all for your support about everything! I was so uplifted by all the encouragement about the gym and everything. I really appreciate those who care.**

WLS appt wasn't good today... :(

I will post about it this weekend when I have time to write a novel, but basically I have a failed sleeve. :( I have lots to think about and lots to decide over the next couple of weeks. The surgeon wants me to revise to a bypass. :( On another note, my personal trainer is sick today and had to cancel our appt., but I still went to the gym and worked out anyway. :) Go me. :)

Update on the first night at the gym...

I will be honest, it started off bad with me in the parking lot, sitting in my car watching people through the windows. Then, I went in and the general manager remembered me from the night I signed up and he put me on the treadmill while I was waiting for my trainer. I felt dizzy and when I tried to let go of the sides I felt like I would fall. I could only walk 10 minutes. I met the trainer and when she started asking me questions, I started to cry. Right there in the gym. So embarrassing. I was thinking about Chris and how she comments to me on my posts about the negative self talk and she is sooo right. I was so afraid someone would make a cow sound, or laugh at me. I am so used to being the gross person in the room. I am so used to seeing myself that way, it is hard to change. I wanted to change my mind. I am so glad I paid for the personal trainer because I would not have stayed unless I "had" to. 20 minutes in to the session, with my once dead muscles burning, I felt wonderful. :) I felt alive and proud of myself for doing more than just surgery to make a healthy body. She had me do some leg machines, crunch machines, the bike and a leg push. I really have NO core body strength so that is our focus for now. My "homework" between sessions is to do 10 sets of 10 squats (100 total) throughout the day at home. Instead of just putting my arms in my hips or in front of me I have to lift them all the way up above my head when I am on my way up from the squat and then lower them on my way down. Once at the gym I have to ride the bike at a low resistance for 30 minutes to get in the fat burning heart rate zone. I will do the weights only when I am with her since I have to be careful about what I am doing due to my back and hips. My appt.s are on Mondays and Thursdays and the rest of the days I just do my "homework." Thanks for all the support all. I am excited to go back tonight! :)

Tonight's the night

First time at the gym and first session with my personal trainer. I'll let you know how it goes. Yikes!

Last night I did something I never thought I would do...

I joined a gym AND hired a personal trainer. I start with her on Monday night. (She doesn't work weekends or I would have started right away) I have to admit, I almost cried when I walked in. I am still the fat girl. I am still afraid people will laugh at me or worse, get grossed out at the site of me trying to work out. I have to go very slow. My physical therapist still hasn't cleared me to work out, but I can't wait anymore. I am going to avoid things that would push the limit with my back and my personal trainer is also a PTA so she knows about what I am doing in PT.

Yikes. In three short days I will be the main attraction at the gym "fair." The first prize pig winner being walked around by my handler for all to see. Scary much? Yes. I will let you know how it goes.

I realized I HAVE been binging

Since weight loss surgery changed how much I can eat, the concept of binging has to change. I can't say I am cured from binge eating because I STILL eat when I am not hungry and I decided that doing so is my new "binging." There is no reason to eat when it is not for nutrition or hunger. If I sit down to eat just for the enjoyment, when I know I don't need it, I am giving in to an addiction that still lives inside me. It finds it's way to the surface when I let my guard down. When I get cocky and thing I am conquered it, or when I think my WLS has "defeated it", I am reminded that like any addict I will have to make choices every day not to "use." I am starting those internal fights again... You can eat it. You can't "binge" on it because you had WLS so just eat a little bit... Eat it today but don't eat any bad thing for the rest of the week... All the old "diet" rationalizations. Yes, Ia m so lucky my stomach is smaller and doesn't allow for one of my "old" binges or I know I would be knee deep in it right now. Although I can't really eat as much as I would if I had not gotten this surgery, that doesn't mean I can't stop my WL all together, revision or not because of poor food choices. It's a reminder that WLS can't cure everything, it's a tool. It's a tool I can use to help me have more strength than the binge monster, more power to fight him, but without "training" and using my tool everyday, it gets weaker. I need to get stronger. Ia m still fighting the good fight. My life is worth it.

WI results from this week

244, lost 5 pounds. I still need to lose another 5 to get where I was before Christmas, but I'll take it. My new appt with the surgeon is in two weeks and in the mean time I am going tot he nutritionist to try and tweek my food plan to see if I can move this 3 month long stall before my revision surgery. I also have another important appt next week but I can't talk about that just yet... :)

Bi-polar post!

I am sad, yet happy today. Let's start with why I am sad. I feel like a failure because I need a revision. I know it wasn't my fault that the extra tissue grew, but I still feel like I've failed when I see how much others have lost who were sleeved the same time I was. I pictured myself much farther than I am now. Also, I feel like I am "dieting" again because I have NO restriction yet I have to eat under 1000 calories per day or I will gain weight. I am proud of myself for having the willpower, but it's not fun and the entire reason I got the surgery is so I would not have to go through that anymore. I went so long with restriction then basically woke up one day and it was gone. I am trying to find out why. The PA at the surgeons office is going to call me to go over some things before my appt in the 26th. I am glad they want to help me find the answer to why this happened before I do it again and the same thing happens. On the flip side, I feel like the dr wants me to revise to the bypass. This is fine for some people but because of medications I have to take for the rest of my life, having a bypass could cause major issues since the bypass comes with so many malabsorbtion problems. I know I will NOT revise to the bypass. On another note, I know I will be bashed for this by some, but the infertility issues I left behind long ago have come back full force. More than full force. I haven't felt like this since we had NO KIDS and we were ttc #1. FIVE kids later you would think I would not care and honestly, I have NO interest in having a biological child. I can speak from experience that there is NO DIFFERENCE in the love you feel for children who are adopted. They melt your heart and take your breath away just the same. :) So what is my issue? I want to know what it's like to stay pg. I want to rub my hand over my belly and feel life instead of a fat roll. I want to have the experience of not including social workers and courts in our quest to be parents. They are selfish reasons, but that doesn't stop my mind from going there. I want it all. The thing is, I have it all expect the pg-c experience and that's what matters. I am a mother, I am becoming all I wanted to be, slowly. :) What matters is the little faces I kiss and love everyday. So knowing all of this, why do I feel so barren? So broken? I think maybe my view of "failing" with my surgery reminds me that I have a broken body that was permanently damaged by my weight, binge eating, etc. I have to live with what I have caused forever. The heart damage, the back disability, the hip & knee problems, the infertility, all of it. I lost it all too food addiction. It's powerful to write that. Addiction steals your life. Giving in to that one cookie one time doesn't seem like a big deal, but when you KNOW it is a trigger food for you, you are allowing your food compulsions to take over your life. It takes that one moment, that one second in time to hand your life over to food. to lose what's left of your control. I can't believe I did that my entire life.

I said this was a bi-polar post because at the same time, I look at all these negative things and and I grateful. I am grateful for the kids I have and I know I would not have had them if I was popping out babies. I am grateful for walking in a way most people don't understand. To be almost 100% immobile to being free to go where you want, when you want is nothing short of a miracle. I owe that to my surgery. The freedom to walk around my house with a baby on my hip is glorious. I feel like a "real" mommy to my deserving kids. To be able to go on a date with my husband, to walk and have him hold my hand is beautiful. Again, I would not know these things if it weren't for my surgery. So, to wrap up this bi-polar post, I failed at my surgery, yet love it. I am incomplete, yet complete in all the ways that matter. I can't get pg, but I am a mommy. :) I have disabled my body yet I can move through the world on my own. I haven't reached my Wl goal, but my "quality of life goals" are on track and more. I choose to look at the positives because focusing on the other stuff only brings me down. My life is full of miracles. The more I focus on that, the more miracles I can see. :)

AAAHHH - cranky

I have to wait until the 26th to find out about my revision because the dr. was leaving on vacation and that day he was running late for appts. and since I have to pick up all my kids after school I could not wait around for 2 and a half hours like I did last time. Whatever. I like that a lot of dr.s offices think we have nothing better to do than sit in their office for almost 3 hours to wait and see them for an appointment that lasts less than 10 minutes. On another note, my scale says I am UP TEN POUNDS???? My period is due in a few days. This number better go down before I start freaking out. I am feeling so "blah" lately. I feel so out-of-it and tired. Could it be because I have major sleep deprivation due to a little perfect someone? In that case, it is all worth it. :)

Pic of the day: Last week I was able to surprise my little guy at school for lunch. He was sooo happy. I am SOOOO grateful that my surgery helped me change my life so much. My kids deserved an active Mommy and now they have one. :)

Follow-up appt. on Friday to see about revision surgery

I wonder what I will say if he says "do it now." I may be tempted.

My New Year's Resolution is...

NOT to have a New Year's Resolution. Every year it's the same thing. This is my last year being this fat! I WILL make a change this year! Now it's do or die! (as if the week before it wasn't.) Sorry. Not for me anymore. A resolution is another way to give me something to fail. Instead I am happy to focus every year, no matter what the month, :) on moving towards health. I do like that once the holiday food temptations are gone it is MUCH easier to do that so in that way I love starting "new" but as far as putting all my eggs in one basket, no more. Having said that, I will be starting PT again soon (as soon as I can get the ok from my dr.) in hopes of a better sleep experience. I moved back to the chair for sleeping and I have to admit my back feels sooo much better but now my hips and legs are locking up again. It's a damned if I do, damned if I don't type of situation. Oh well. there are good things to focus on. Today I enrolled my oldest son at the school where my husband teaches and I had my two little ones with me. My 2 year old had to use the potty and since we are knee deep in potty training I didn't want to tell her to try and wait. At the same time, I was feeding the little one who would SCREAM if I tried to take the bottle out of her mouth so I ended up walking to the bathroom while holding her and lifting a toddler on the big potty. lol I know other say, "who cares? People do that every day!" Well, not me. I have NEVER walked with a baby until with this one and have never been able to walk around with TWO little ones without having to worry if their was a chair to sit in on the way or if the bathroom was too far for me to walk. I love that with every little thing that is a problem, there is a larger thing I can be grateful for.

Kind of a step Back :(

I am going to have to start sleeping in "the chair" again at least a few days per week because my back pain is sooo bad. It feels like someone is taking an axe to my lower back just to roll over. My medical ins. changed so my PT went from no co-pay to $50 PER VISIT! Can't afford that so I am going back in two weeks to try and get an "at-home" type of program. In many ways by back disability is a double edged sword. If I could walk, sleep in a bed, take care of myself at 360 pounds, would I have gotten my surgery? I don't think so. Honestly, my food addiction is so real that even the threat of losing my life wasn't enough for me to stop. It took my back making me home bound from the pain and pressure of all the fat that sent me to the place where I knew I would end up like that mom in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" if I didn't get help. I am grateful for my back problems for that reason, but living in so much pain all the time can take it's toll. It's all the more reason to try to get the scale moving in a downward direction again in order to relieve some of the pressure. I have my appt in Jan. with the surgeon to go over my options. If I am part of the 1% freak show of scare tissue gone crazy, then what are my chances of that happening again? Who knows. for now I am still functioning in "grateful mode." :)

Wow (Christmas pics included)

I had an amazing Christmas. What a joy and wonder it is to be able to participate in life. What a true blessing. For Christmas Eve we had over 30 people here. I was able to do EVERYTHING without a chair! :) Awesome. It doesn't stop here. :) I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and please have a safe New Year!

Below: our tree right after Santa came :)

Below: Our kitchen...

Stairs...

Entry way...

piano...

Living room from formal dining room...

Choc. Chip pancakes I made for breakfast before the kids came down... (Nope, I didn't eat any)

The kids coming down and seeing that Santa ate the cookies, drank the milk and wipped his feet from the fireplace on the paper towel... :)

So excited... :)

Paper fight after the un-wrapping! :)

Our "Wall of Love" where we place all our Christmas cards. :)...

Sexy Santa pic!

NOT! lol But maybe one day... lol In the mean time I have to settle for this...

Taken by my older son during our annual "Operation Cookie Drop." My kids LOVe this tradition and this year I went up to some doors too instead of watching it all from the car the ENTIRE time. Awesome. Yes, we made cookies. Lots and lots of them. I will NEVER take away fun holiday traditions due to my food issues. Food has taken over my life enough without those around me having to give up more and more. We make about 200 cookies, all kinds, then pack them up and "drop" them off to friends and neighbors. I keep a few for our own cookie jar. I find it funny that my weight loss surgery makes my cookie tradition more fun. lol Without it, I would not have been able to enjoy going up to the door, seeing the smiles on friends faces, hear my kids saying "Merry Christmas," all of it. I love my sleeve. I am grateful for traditions, even the ones with food. I will host about 30 people at my house for Christmas Eve. NONE of whom are overweight except me. I will offer all the goodies and they will bring goodies of their own. We will enjoy this day with NO thought to food. No thought to binges. I understand most people try to go in to it with plans of what to eat, bringing their own healthy stuff etc., but I for me the obsession about dieting takes away just as much fun as the being fat in the first place part. I choose to ignore foods power over me. I choose to enjoy friends and family, the miracle of Christmas. I will not obsess about calories, portions, the food table etc. Relax and enjoy your holidays folks. It's the dark of night after the guests leave, when the leftovers are calling my name which is the dangerous part. My solution? I buy HUGE cake pans and give them to each family to bring home leftovers. By the time they have all filled up their pans, there is not much left but maybe enough for my own family to pick on the next day. Good solution for all. My family still gets leftovers but there are not enough for me to eat yet still have enough for the family the next day. Not enough for me to hide a binge because there is so much food no one can tell how much is missing. Not enough for me to binge night after night until New Years because "I am starting fresh Jan 1st! This is the year!" Yep. Been there done ALL that. Food is NOT my focus of 2012. HEALTH is my focus. Dieting can be just as much an obsession as food addiction and it leads to the same place 97% of the time. Jump off the hamster wheel.

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!