Above: My two sons and hubby went to cub scout camp last week. On the last night they had a family campfire where they did skits and cheers etc. I would have NEVER been able to do this last year. there was lot of walking and setting up chairs etc. I could not help but tear up as I sat there watching realizing all the moments I had missed for my kids up to this point, but then again happy for what I can do to help make up for that lost time. :)
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
I would describe my life since surgery as crazy. I feel like I am floating outside of myself watching a person I don't know. This person can walk, go places, eat normally, enjoy life with her kids and husband. Who is she? I want to be like her. Then, I suddenly realize she is ME! How did this happen? How did I get this life I have always wanted in just 3 months when I have been trying to live this way my entire life? What changed? Surgery. Medical intervention for a very serious food and binge eating addiction. Freedom from the voices in my head that command me to eat and binge. Once that voice was gone, it's like all the other beautiful things in my life became clearer. They had more color, more glow. Why didn't I do this sooner? Because I wasn't ready until now. My "bottom" happened in October 2011. I could not walk more than 3 steps, I was gasping for air. I was home bound. I was hospitalized because my dr thought it was my heart. Turns out EVERY SINGLE THING I HAD WRONG WITH ME WAS DUE TO OBESITY. I left the hospital that day grasping for life. I did not eat sweets or binge eat from that day forward and lost 50 pounds in 4 and a half months. THIS is what made me strong enough for surgery. The addiction was still loud at that point and begged me on a daily basis to give in. the addiction tried guilt, sadness, happiness, lies, anything to get me to break my abstinence. At the same time I was cyber bullied and I was feeling very overwhelmed with emotion. My addiction pleaded with me to binge so these feelings and worries would go away. I knew if I could stay strong enough to fight off it's voice, and find my own, I was ready for the extreme life change of surgery. The VSG seemed to good to be true. a surgery to remove your stomach, leave in about 10% that is shaped in a banana shape which will still function as a stomach would, no vitamin deficiency, no dumping syndrome, no slimming, no food is off limits and because the stomach part that was removed was the really stretchy part is gone, it is VERY hard to stretch it out. The real worry about weight gain comes from SWEETS and soda. The very things I taught myself to abstain from and won. I needed to know that I could make a lifetime commitment to me and the weight loss before my surgery gave me that confidence. I do think I could have still lost weight on my own, but the longer I went with this addiction in my head, it didn't seem to get quieter. I was ready for a forever change. Then after my surgery, the voice was louder than it's ever been. I think it was begging for it's life, but at this point I could not have saved it even if I wanted too. I have decided FOR ME that my addiction was so bad it had taken over my life. Every part of my soul started to panic because I knew it was dying. I couldn't save it. What had I done to this part of me that was always there for me to lift me up, to make me feel better, to be a best friend? Why did I do this? How was I going to be able to live life without it? My body shook, my head pounded, I was miserable. Hating every day. Then, one day, I knew... I was free. My body relaxed, my mind was clear. I was happy. I had won. I still think of my addiction as a person. A person that in a weird way, I was glad to have in my life because without it, I may have never gotten through some hard times. Allowing my addiction to take me to rock bottom is exactly what makes every minute I am living now extra special. I am so grateful for the smallest things in life like walking, being outside, being able to go to the store, hold my kids, go to their activities. I take nothing for granted and that makes for one happy woman. :) I am free. I am free to enjoy the natural ups and downs of life without an addiction. this surgery did what I could not do. It is quiet in my head except for the occasional voice that tells me to plan more things to do this week. :) My weekly calendar is full everyday. I am so grateful for life. I am grateful for all of you in the blogging world that have become my friends and who always encouraged me to keep trying. I am now 8 pounds away from losing 100 pounds and I can't wait to share that moment with you when it gets here and I know it WILL get here. :)
* I have to add that surgery is NOT the answer for everyone, but it was the right choice for me.