Last year Nov - 350's
I was losing my hair, wheelchair bound, but STILL binged. Now, I am 7 pounds away from losing 100 pounds, my hair has grown, and I am NOT in a wheelchair for anything. But I often ask, WHY did I let myself get that way?
I go to physical therapy three times per week in order to re-learn basic human functions such as walking. Like I mentioned before, due to sleeping in a chair (because of apnea and back problems) my legs are VERY stiff and it's difficult to stand straight up and still impossible to lay down. Today I found out that my physical therapy request to have the therapy at a hospital closer to home was approved. (Very cool) But it caused me to once again ask myself how I let this get so far? Why didn't I stop or stick to a diet when I saw that everything around me was crumbling? Didn't it occur to me to stop when I realized I could not longer walk or sleep in a bed? What about that time when I spent our entire summer vacation in a wheelchair? Remember that pic from last year? Why was my need to binge more important than ANYTHING else including my own life or the quality of life for my family? Everyday was a "new day" where I was going to make a change. I would get on-line and read blogs for people who have lost weight or in the process and get inspiration. I would make my healthy breakfast and by lunch I was feeling very sure of myself. Then, the thoughts started. That "voice" I talked about. "You know what sounds good right now? If you just eat it for dinner you can start over first thing in the morning and no harm will be done..." By the time I went to bed I would be so stuffed I could not breathe without leaning back and would wake up vomiting in my sleep. I still don't have an answer for why I did those things. I know I was giving in to my addiction and for the life of me I can't understand what led me than kept me in that place when I would want with all my heart to stop. What I do know is that I never gave up on myself. I remember when my cyber bully was making fun of me and saying that I had already blogged for about 3 years and had never changed. I am sure I am not the only one that had blogged for so long and keep going right back to that place... BUT, people like me should realize why we kept blogging. I told the TRUTH about all the ugly secrets of my addiction in hopes that someone would read it and not let themselves go down that road. Also, I was not hiding my addiction in a dark corner to give it even more power. I opened myself to attacks, hate and ugliness that I can never explain, but I kept going. I read blogs now where people slip up but they don't stop blogging and they don't give up. That is the key and something that I and people like me should be proud of. NEVER giving up. Never saying that fat wins. Never letting that voice consume every last bit of hope. Although I am free from that voice now, I am dealing with the consequences of what I did for God knows how long. Maybe forever. If anyone is reading this, please don't give up. No matter how you choose to fight with weight loss programs, therapy, surgery, your own program, just keep trying. If something isn't working, try something else. Don't give up. I still have soooo long to go. I have the ability now to eat whatever I want but I make a daily choice not to eat things I shouldn't. I know I could go back to my old ways at the drop of a hat. I am still fighting and will have to fight for the rest of my life.