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Friday, June 24, 2011

Why did it get this bad????????? (with pics)

This year June - 270's Last year June-360's (remember that pic)
Last year Nov - 350's


I was losing my hair, wheelchair bound, but STILL binged. Now, I am 7 pounds away from losing 100 pounds, my hair has grown, and I am NOT in a wheelchair for anything. But I often ask, WHY did I let myself get that way?

I go to physical therapy three times per week in order to re-learn basic human functions such as walking. Like I mentioned before, due to sleeping in a chair (because of apnea and back problems) my legs are VERY stiff and it's difficult to stand straight up and still impossible to lay down. Today I found out that my physical therapy request to have the therapy at a hospital closer to home was approved. (Very cool) But it caused me to once again ask myself how I let this get so far? Why didn't I stop or stick to a diet when I saw that everything around me was crumbling? Didn't it occur to me to stop when I realized I could not longer walk or sleep in a bed? What about that time when I spent our entire summer vacation in a wheelchair? Remember that pic from last year? Why was my need to binge more important than ANYTHING else including my own life or the quality of life for my family? Everyday was a "new day" where I was going to make a change. I would get on-line and read blogs for people who have lost weight or in the process and get inspiration. I would make my healthy breakfast and by lunch I was feeling very sure of myself. Then, the thoughts started. That "voice" I talked about. "You know what sounds good right now? If you just eat it for dinner you can start over first thing in the morning and no harm will be done..." By the time I went to bed I would be so stuffed I could not breathe without leaning back and would wake up vomiting in my sleep. I still don't have an answer for why I did those things. I know I was giving in to my addiction and for the life of me I can't understand what led me than kept me in that place when I would want with all my heart to stop. What I do know is that I never gave up on myself. I remember when my cyber bully was making fun of me and saying that I had already blogged for about 3 years and had never changed. I am sure I am not the only one that had blogged for so long and keep going right back to that place... BUT, people like me should realize why we kept blogging. I told the TRUTH about all the ugly secrets of my addiction in hopes that someone would read it and not let themselves go down that road. Also, I was not hiding my addiction in a dark corner to give it even more power. I opened myself to attacks, hate and ugliness that I can never explain, but I kept going. I read blogs now where people slip up but they don't stop blogging and they don't give up. That is the key and something that I and people like me should be proud of. NEVER giving up. Never saying that fat wins. Never letting that voice consume every last bit of hope. Although I am free from that voice now, I am dealing with the consequences of what I did for God knows how long. Maybe forever. If anyone is reading this, please don't give up. No matter how you choose to fight with weight loss programs, therapy, surgery, your own program, just keep trying. If something isn't working, try something else. Don't give up. I still have soooo long to go. I have the ability now to eat whatever I want but I make a daily choice not to eat things I shouldn't. I know I could go back to my old ways at the drop of a hat. I am still fighting and will have to fight for the rest of my life.

21 comments:

gracies tough journey said...

You should be so proud of yourself. I dont think we will really ever know why or how we let us get to the point that we did. I think we all ask ourselves that very same question. We all will get different answers. But in the end it doesnt really matter. It matters that we are changing to a new us. God Bless Gracie

❀❀❀ Dawn ❀❀❀ said...

I agree w/ Gracie - be proud! If this were a simple problem we wouldn't have an obesity crisis in North America. You've come a long way- and even if our weight stats haven't made any progress, making progress in health as well as the mind things that got us there in the first place are BIG steps, steps that some are never brave enough to go through.
Dawn

Lawgirl said...

I hear you, chickie. I had one of those moments this week. I had to have fasting blood work done. I have been doing really well with not snacking after dinner. But as soon as I KNEW that I couldn't eat after midnight, I fell apart. I obsessed, I tore my hair out, I couldn't relax. I ate something. But I am proud to say that the behavior didn't carry over to the next day or beyond that.

All we can do is make one good decision at a time.

Hugs!

Angela/Pretty in Orange

jenfromtheburgh said...

Excellent post....I can totally relate. Keep up the great work. I always look forward to your updates. You look awesome!

jenfromtheburgh said...

Love this post...I can totally relate. Your message of "never give up" hits home, it's a never ending battle. Keep up the great work. You look awesome! I always look forward to your updates.

Krystle kjb Bailey said...

Wow!!! That is so honest and truthful and i commend you for that! 100lbs is incredible!!! Congratulations to you. Keep up the fabulous work!! I'm very proud of you!!!!

-Krystle
skinny-jeans-dreams.blogspot.com

Rachel said...

You have changed your life...that is awesome! Be proud...don't look back.

Christine said...

you look beautiful and happy. I am so happy for you. Never giving up is the key. I think the turning point for you was that day at the beach. I think that really flipped the switch. Great job lisa. I always knew you could do it.

anewertammy said...

You've come a long way Lisa and looking good. I often think the same thing. Why am I letting this go on so long? What will it take? I lost my vision for about three months and that didn't motivate me to make the change. I've been a diabetic since 2002 and still no change. I sure hope it doesn't take a heart attack, stroke or other complication to finally set me straight. I haven't yet found my mojo, but I'm searching. I won't give up, I just hope it's not too late.

Keep up the good fight.

Heather's House said...

Ain't that the truth sister. You never gave up and that's the whole point. Love the post! As long as we keep trying, we can't be called a quitter. Eventually, with any luck, hope or the grace of God we will get to where we need to be to live a healthy life. Take care, Lisa and keep up the good job. Look forward to your posts....

Lori said...

I am so proud of how far you've come. Good for you!!

Sarah said...

You know, I'm not sure it's important that you dwell on the past right now. I ask myself the same questions that you have been asking yourself. I wonder how I let it get so bad, but I don't really have answers, just excuses. I've had to just let it go. I have to just look at now and every new day. I know that I never want to go back to the way that I was. I feel like you and I and everyone else who has had this struggle has overcome an addiction. A lot of people may not agree, but that's just my opinion. We were all addicted to food. We've had to learn new ways to live and new ways to look at food.

I've never been more happy in my life and I'm sure you are feeling the same. You should be so proud of yourself.

Sarah
notaneffingdiet.blogspot.com

Amber said...

You look wonderful!
Glad you never gave up! You are inspiring other to keep going as well. Awesome!

Lisa S. Luckey said...

Way to go Lisa! You look amazing! I also know what it's like to fight the cravings on a daily basis due to food allergies. Some day's I just have to fight with myself not to do it. I'm so proud of you! You've come such a long way!

My Switched Scoop said...

Hii!

I recently found your blog and look forward to reading more.

Congratulations on your success thus far, you look fantastic!

Maria

I had the Duodenal Switch -- you can learn more at www.myswitchedscoop.com :)

Kimberley said...

Just came across your blog today and I have to tell you, this post gave me goosebumps!

I am once again at the point where I am eating and can't stop. I have a hard time moving etc.

But look at you!!! You are having such great success. Love the new pic. You are doing a wonderful job!!!

Miss Felicity said...

Great pic. You look amazing. And soooo much younger! wtg!

Diane, Fit to the Finish said...

Understanding the why's can really be a lifelong process. Even after my weight loss being so long ago, I think the whys are very complicated. I'm so glad that you are doing so well!

Robin said...

Lisa! So glad to see you "back". My goodness you look fabulous!!!!

And thank you for this post - something I needed to hear right about now.

Karla said...

Hi Lisa

so glad you are back and posting again, I understand the reasons....

ANYWAYS ....OMG!!! 93 pounds you are amazing, I knew you had it in you! why why why do we waste all those years eating like we ate?

who the heck knows? but you are on the right path now and getting better every day

Congrats
(((((hugs))))

so glad you are doing well

LoveFitnessLaugh said...

wow..you should be so proud..congrats....you're definitely an inspiration!