I won! I won! I won!...

this big ol' teddy bear at a baby resale store contest. I won I won I won! It's a major award! ;) (If you got that, you are my friend.) lol Anyway, I was out shopping and entered a drawing and won. The kids love it. I look at it as something else to clean... :) The great part is that I was out shopping, enjoying this beautiful day with 4 of my kids. My older son is camping with my husband for boy scouts so I was on my own and managed just fine other than missing him. It feels great to be self sufficient! Now, I am off to put my major award in my front window so all the neighbors can gaze with admiration. :)

It still blows my mind...

that I have some people who are so negatively obsessed with what I write on my blog and about my personal struggles and experiences.  (I am so grateful for those who read because they are kind and care or have shared experiences.) I should be flattered that my life is so awesome it causes people to think about me non-stop.  (good ol' blogger shows me where my traffic comes from and it always shows a particular site of someone who hates me.  I dare not read it because it will only hurt my feelings)  The great thing is... my life really is awesome. Just a couple of weeks ago I was so caught up in my ins. approval to fix the malformation I was not looking at the blessings right in front of me.  Again, I will say right off the bat... surgery is NOT a cure all for weight loss.  No matter WHAT surgery you have your body will adapt.  For instance, if I want to lose weight I have to stay around 600-800 calories per day as a result of having my stomach so drastically reduced in size.  Try eating under 800 calories per day... it's HARD to do.  Sometimes I REALLY miss being able to binge.  I still don't understand why, that after all that has happened to me as a result of binge eating, I still miss that feeling of being so full.  I know that full feeling is more than physical.  When I was younger, I lived alone. Even while in high school.  I had some big parties at my house but at the end of the day, when everyone went home to their families, I was alone.  Right away I would turn on the TV really loud so it would feel like someone was there and I would START EATING.  I still have those feelings today.  Even with my family at home, I am uneasy if the TV is not on.  I fight the urge to eat when I have anxiety.  My therapist said to sit with the anxiety until it starts to go down, but that is harder than it sounds.  The beauty of my life is that my body has improved so much in the last year, I am not FORCED to sit in my anxiety.  I am able to MOVE.  I don't have to sit there and suffer.  Today I took my older daughter to the eye dr and I remember that same appt. last year was torture!  It was sooo hard for me to walk down the hall.  This time, I had my two youngest AND a 1 year old I was babysitting for the day.  (three kids under 3 years old)  I wish I could put these grateful feelings in a bottle to give to others.  Right there I started to tear up and thank God for the blessing of walking.  I guess you never really appreciate those kind of things until you don't have it anymore.  I lived like that for THREE years.  When I am down about not losing more weight or not looking the way I want too, i need to remember WHY I chose medical intervention in the first place and remember the results.  I just had my physical and for the first time EVER my blood work all came back perfect.  My monthly cycles are back, I can walk, enjoy myself, plan a summer vacation that does NOT include sitting in a wheel chair.  Yep, my life is awesome and worthy of obsession. :)

Oh Man...

Summer is coming fast.  I wonder if they make bathing suits with pockets for extra hanging skin.  :/

Where I'm at right now...

I have not found some magical weight loss zone not am I getting out there doing more than I was before.  I am just enjoying the ride a little more.  I have not lost any more weight.  I have not gone down any clothes sizes, and to be honest, I can care less.  97% of all people who lose weight will gain it back.  Period.  that number is less with weight loss surgery but it doesn't mean it can't and won't happen.  It does.  I am so over the constant obsessing over food.  And I don't mean the obsessing over what to eat.  I mean the obsessing over what NOT to eat.  "Dieting" every day of my life takes away just as much as overeating.  It consumes thoughts, causes shame, times of happiness, dispair, elation, all kinds of roller coaster emotions.  I am over it.  I am done with dieting.  I will NOT track my food, I will NOT obsess over calories and such.  What I AM willing to do is not continue bad habits.  I will not eat ice cream for dinner and anything stupid like that.  I will have balanced meals.  I will ENJOY my life.  I will focus more on my body with exercise.  If my inner body is healthy, the outer body should follow.  If it doesn't, I need to be good with that!  I have such an amazing life.  the VSG met my goals for my quality of life and that was the REAL objective. 

I have not gained nor lost any weight in a long while.  I am still fat.  BUT, I enjoy every small detail of my life.  I do more and more each day.  I push myself in physical therapy, I get out and walk more and more.  I sleep in my bed more than I don't.  I need to learn to be happy in my skin so I can enjoy more of my day to day life.  I can't let "dieting" control my emotions, thoughts, plans... I am over it.  I am striving to make at least three good choices for my body each day to honor a young friend who has passed away.  In doing so, I have gained what I feel is some control.  I am focused on being good to my body in a way that allows me some freedom from the hamster wheel of dieting.  I am good with that.  I WILL have my sleeve fixed if the ins. accepts me, but I will NOt convert to the bypass.  Although it has worked for many, it is not the right choice for me.  I need a whole body.  I need my parts to stay where they are in order to get the proper nutrition.  I do not want the long term effects.  Again, that is just ME and for those who have it, or are getting it, I support your choices for yourself.  I need to find what is in me for my real happiness.  I need to work on my muscles, my endurance...  Things that have been shut away for so long due to the abuse I have given my body with binging and morbid obesity.  I hope I am making the right choice.  If not, I'm sure I will find out.  In the mean time, I am going to plan dinner for my family.  Without charting, counting, measuring, all while making good choices. I am a food addict. I know this and I have to still live with that understanding. There will always be trigger food I have to stay away from. I may relapse at times. I may fail. But as always, I will get back up. Yesterday, the field trip I chaperoned for my son was at a fire station where they have a little town set up with real streets and everything for the little kids to ride around driving mini jeeps. I had my own group I was responsible for. Have you chased 4 different boys around while they were DRIVING for the first time? I was a running, jumping fool. lol I had to lift Jeeps off curbs, prevent crashes by running in the street to grab a child's wheel... It may have been hard work, but I was having the time of my life. I was so grateful to be able to move around like that. I was grateful to be there with my son.  I need more. I want to run a 5k and to a mud run... play softball again... I have to make that happen not with dieting, but overall health and fitness. three things per day is ok for me right now. I will slowly build on that once I can. That's where my head is right now. thanks for "listening." Below: a pic from the field trip... :)   

Today I...

WALKED to pick up my son from school.  I enjoyed the BEAUTIFUL spring weather and felt good.  Earlier in the day I chaperoned his school field trip to the fire station.  I was walking around and STANDING for almost TWO HOURS.  And, I was in charge of chasing around 4 boys in my group. :)  I NEVER would have been able to enjoy these moments just one year ago.  How wonderful that not only did I feel great about being able to be there for him, but it's EXTRA awesome that he gets to have his mommy involved in his life in such a way. :)

Following the bus to the field trip... :)

tomorrow

I am throwing a baby shower for my sweet friend.  I just went shopping for all the fun stuff and started decorating.  Just something ELSE I could not do just a year ago.  As you can see, I am trying to remind myself how far I have come so I will not be let down by how far I have to go.  It's kinda fun. :) 

Tonight I...

Went to my oldest daughter's school soccer game tonight. I was able to walk the FAR distance from the parking lot to the stands while pushing two littles in a stroller. :) It was AWESOME to feel the wind on my face, catch up with my friend in the stands, watch the game and then after the game go on the field for pics. :) THIS IS why I got the surgery and even with the malformation issue, it was the BEST thing I have ever done.

Pic of me tonight...

during our family walk. Still fat, but out there WALKING! :) My face is extra fat because of my allergies, but I didn't let that stop me. I am proud to take my pic while I am out there trying to be good to my body. My entire family went so we did it together. :)

Pics showing why I am a dumb @ss...

These are just SOME of the things I have been able to do in the past few weeks...

#1: Co host a bridal shower for a friend... #2: Go on a picnic with my family and walked around the lake feeding ducks...
#3: Go with my family to our neighborhood Easter Egg Hunt

(We ALL walked to the Egg Hunt...:)

#4: We went to watch some friends play a softball game...

#5: I WALKED my littles to pick up my son from school...

#6: I attended a wedding reception...

#7: I took my little kids to our church Easter Egg Hunt by myself because my husband was home with a headache. That means I had no help with the stroller or lifting the car seat out of the car... My older kids were off with other things so it was just me and the babies.

#8: We stopped for a small impromptu picnic at this little area near our house. It was wonderful to not have to think about how far I could walk or wonder if I could make it to the waters edge without help.

What is not pictured is the Tea Party I had on the floor with my two youngest babies or going shopping with my oldest daughter for a new outfit, or taking my oldest son to scouts, taking my youngest son to swim lessons, or my three year old to dance class, shopping, hiding Easter baskets, going to baby showers... and the list goes on. ALL of this was impossible one year ago and damn it, this is good enough! This was what I was begging for before surgery. If you remember, all I wanted was to walk and be able to LIVE life with my family and I have achieved this goal. Enough is enough. I need to change my mindset to a place where I am GRATEFUL EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY. How can I look at this life I am living and whine about what I don't have? There are people who would be VERY happy to have this life. I am so grateful. I AM SO GRATEFUL. Only a dumb @ss would not look at this wonderful change and be happy every day. I chose to no longer be a dumb @ss. :)

So last night's OA meeting was about being honest sooo...

I will share a FB post I made yesterday in order to be honest about my feelings on this blog. sometimes I am afraid to share here because of cyber bullies, but the entire point of having a pubic blog is to SHARE and be HONEST so maybe it will help just one person. Here it is,,,

Thanks for your nice comments. I will admit, I feel like I am not putting my full energy in to being grateful. I can't explain it, but the heartbreak of this failure is getting me in ways I didn't think it would. When I started this journey, I just wanted to walk. Now, I am realizing I wanted so much more. A lifetime of being the ugly girl in the room, or the fattest, or the girl with a nice "personality" has shaved away at my self esteem since I can remember. I was the fat daughter, the fat cousin, the fat friend and that's the only identity I ever had. I would make fun of myself to ease the pain of someone else beating me to it and I learned this since before I started school. I've never known normal. I have had to buy fat clothes since kindergarten. I have never had a free smile for a camera without thinking of my fat face. I have been dieting since I was 7 years old. I was praying for some kind of freedom from these bonds that hold me down. I have always been unhealthy. I have thyroid disease, PCOS, infertility, hormone imbalances, joint problems, tumors in both breasts, I have Tachycardia (heart murmur and fast heart rate) beginning stage heart disease, sleep apnea and the list goes on. I want to be free! I want to feel normal! I want to be pretty. I want a body that is not broken. I know I am selfish; people have things so much worse that me. I have an awesome husband and wonderful kids. BUT... I still need to lose more weight to resolve some of these health issues. I want to be around for a long time. I want to shop in a regular store for something other than earrings. I am sad. I am scared that this is it for me and my kids and husband will never know what it's like to have a normal mom & wife. I want to water ski and ride some rides at an amusement park. I want to go in a hot air balloon and zip line through a forest of trees. All things I am still to FAT to do. I want more. I am sorry. I feel like I am running uphill with a life trapped in fat trying to catch me. In my daydreams I am pretty, I am able bodied and I can do things where I feel the wind blowing through my hair. I am adventurous and nothing holds me back. I know that girl. I feel what it's like to be her in my heart. I am jealous of her and in some ways, I hate her because no matter what I try I can't be her. I want to be her.

I'm going to lose it.

Denied again.

I still don't know what to do... :(

I am sooo torn. Some days I am so ready for the bypass. Others, I want to just fix the sleeve and try again. I am scared of the bypass and the long term effects. On the other hand, it could cure my PCOS. I am so messed up inside trying to decide what to do. Does anyone have an opinion they would like to share with me? I am so desperate for input on what to do. :(

Sooooo pissed off today

My damn WLS office STILL did not turn in my paperwork! I found out today from BCBS that they turned it in TODAY and it STILL was not filled out correctly. They are at lunch right now so I am counting down the minutes until I call and go off on them. I am fit to be tied right now. I know WLS is big business but I am a human being and deserved to be treated like one.

Pics: one year ago today...

I decided to change my life forever.

I would like to be chirpy and happy with this post. I would like to focus on all the wonderful things that have happened to me as a result of getting this surgery. I can't. Today I feel like I have failed. I know I should not compare myself to others, but as far as other people I have seen, I am a failure. I worried this would happen. I worried that this was not my last stop. I kind of feel like I went through all the above and a recovery that was HORRIBLE just to lose 70 pounds. 70 pouds is great, but when you are as fat as me, 70 pounds is not a lot. I did have a moment today when I was out shopping for my friend's Bridal Shower I am throwing on Friday and I did realize that one year ago I would not have been able to walk around. I do see the good. I do enjoy the moments that I have been blessed with. I don't understand why today, of all days I am not able to focus on that part of this journey. All I see is a girl who is less fat and who needs MORe surgery to keep going. Wow. Debbie Downer today or what? I am grateful for this surgery. I am grateful for my blessings. I just with I could tap in to that tonight. I thought at that moment, one year ago, by this time I would be "normal." I would have been able to be pretty in the eyes of others, shop in a regular store, sleep mostly in a bed. I told myself that this would be the only time I would have to do something this drastic in order to get the help I need. One year later and I am looking at more surgery. Still stuck, but my quality of life has improved DRASTICALLY. I MUST CONCENTRATE ON THAT PART! Sorry for this unpleasant, poor me post. I guess I just needed to get it out of my system.

*** No one has permission to copy or use these photos***

Interesting... Leftover Freak-out

I have a serious problem with "wasting food." Even when I am full, I start to feel a little panic about the food going to waste. I can't really keep leftovers because I am a binge eater and leftovers are a SERIOUS trigger. I will start asking everyone if they want to finish my food, if they don't, I still wonder what I could do with it so it won't go to waste. It's in that moment where I start to wish I had my old stomach back so I could finish that food and binge. The mind is powerful. Why does my mind freak out at the thought of wasting food when I see other people casually put their scraps of leftover food in the trash like it's nothing? Especially if we eat out. I remember taking the kids to McDonald's for a play date and I was mortified at the amount of food the parents were throwing out. They would buy a meal for their little ones knowing they are way to small to eat all that food and after the little one took about three bites, they threw the rest of the meal away! Why should what they do bother me?????? It is none of my business! Why is "wasting" food such an issue for me? I always buy my kids a normal amount of food for their age and if they finish and they are still hungry, then I will get them more. 90% of the time, they don't want anything else. Why is it almost painful for me to watch someone at another table throw away food? I do this everywhere. If we are at some type of fun event where there is food, I see what people are eating and what they are "wasting." This is something I struggle with every day because this is part of my food addiction/obsession. Right now there is a SMALL amount of food left over from dinner last night. I have been thinking about it ALL NIGHT/DAY. It is such a small amount I could just throw it away and get rid of the temptation, but I can't bring myself to do that because it would go to waste. I used to have several friends when I was in high school that would take a few bites of their burger and then throw the rest away. Even then I would always ask them why they were doing that and didn't they want to save it until later. I envied their nonchalant approach to food. I imagined how free my life would be if food didn't have such a strong hold on me. I still daydream about the day I can go ANYWHERE without thinking of food. Even after my surgery in the few months where i did feel free from this, I worried that feeling would not last and of course it didn't. I long for those days again. No matter what surgery I will ever have or what diet anyone will ever try, if you are a food addict you will battle the addiction forever. I am really hoping that after a few months of OA my obsessions will decrease to a point where I can enjoy my day without any thoughts of food. My food or SOMEONE ELSE'S! :)