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Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Where I'm at right now...

I have not found some magical weight loss zone not am I getting out there doing more than I was before.  I am just enjoying the ride a little more.  I have not lost any more weight.  I have not gone down any clothes sizes, and to be honest, I can care less.  97% of all people who lose weight will gain it back.  Period.  that number is less with weight loss surgery but it doesn't mean it can't and won't happen.  It does.  I am so over the constant obsessing over food.  And I don't mean the obsessing over what to eat.  I mean the obsessing over what NOT to eat.  "Dieting" every day of my life takes away just as much as overeating.  It consumes thoughts, causes shame, times of happiness, dispair, elation, all kinds of roller coaster emotions.  I am over it.  I am done with dieting.  I will NOT track my food, I will NOT obsess over calories and such.  What I AM willing to do is not continue bad habits.  I will not eat ice cream for dinner and anything stupid like that.  I will have balanced meals.  I will ENJOY my life.  I will focus more on my body with exercise.  If my inner body is healthy, the outer body should follow.  If it doesn't, I need to be good with that!  I have such an amazing life.  the VSG met my goals for my quality of life and that was the REAL objective. 
I have not gained nor lost any weight in a long while.  I am still fat.  BUT, I enjoy every small detail of my life.  I do more and more each day.  I push myself in physical therapy, I get out and walk more and more.  I sleep in my bed more than I don't.  I need to learn to be happy in my skin so I can enjoy more of my day to day life.  I can't let "dieting" control my emotions, thoughts, plans... I am over it.  I am striving to make at least three good choices for my body each day to honor a young friend who has passed away.  In doing so, I have gained what I feel is some control.  I am focused on being good to my body in a way that allows me some freedom from the hamster wheel of dieting.  I am good with that.  I WILL have my sleeve fixed if the ins. accepts me, but I will NOt convert to the bypass.  Although it has worked for many, it is not the right choice for me.  I need a whole body.  I need my parts to stay where they are in order to get the proper nutrition.  I do not want the long term effects.  Again, that is just ME and for those who have it, or are getting it, I support your choices for yourself.  I need to find what is in me for my real happiness.  I need to work on my muscles, my endurance...  Things that have been shut away for so long due to the abuse I have given my body with binging and morbid obesity.  I hope I am making the right choice.  If not, I'm sure I will find out.  In the mean time, I am going to plan dinner for my family.  Without charting, counting, measuring, all while making good choices. I am a food addict. I know this and I have to still live with that understanding. There will always be trigger food I have to stay away from. I may relapse at times. I may fail. But as always, I will get back up. Yesterday, the field trip I chaperoned for my son was at a fire station where they have a little town set up with real streets and everything for the little kids to ride around driving mini jeeps. I had my own group I was responsible for. Have you chased 4 different boys around while they were DRIVING for the first time? I was a running, jumping fool. lol I had to lift Jeeps off curbs, prevent crashes by running in the street to grab a child's wheel... It may have been hard work, but I was having the time of my life. I was so grateful to be able to move around like that. I was grateful to be there with my son.  I need more. I want to run a 5k and to a mud run... play softball again... I have to make that happen not with dieting, but overall health and fitness. three things per day is ok for me right now. I will slowly build on that once I can. That's where my head is right now. thanks for "listening." Below: a pic from the field trip... :)   


Christine said...

great post lisa. Enjoy your life, you only get one.

♫ Drazil ♪ said...

Oh honey - I want that for you too. I've heard great things about the couch to 5K program...maybe you could try that! Good luck.

Lori said...

I agree. Obsessing about food either way is still letting the food control you.

Rae Rae J said...

I love reading your posts, and I am cheering you on. But girl, I see some red flags flying up here.

I am a binge eater. I obsess over food, it's just a fact. I'm OCD in a lot of things I do. I can not change that; I can only control it.

Not tracking or measuring or keeping up with your calories sounds like deciding that you don't really need to follow a budget for your money and that as long as you make decent decisions about some of your money it'll be OK.

You have to have control of what's going on in your life in order to enjoy it, whether it be control of your finances, or your food. This is especially true for those addicted or OCD about their food.

Of course what you decide is best for you, but even though I feel like you are down on yourself sometimes, you have come A LONG WAY. Don't give up, don't give in, and don't throw in the towel.

Sandra said...

This is a marvelous post. I've been reading back to see how you reached where you are today. I applaud you for getting the surgery. The photos of your face before and after tells it all. One diet, sick, the other full of light and life..health.
I know you are at hard jucntion of accepting the conditions of today but I know you can work through it just as you have everything else.
You are a beautiful woman of courage and strength and a fine example to your children.
You will get bby eating less maybe even more on other days but you can do this. Reread your blog and release your deep disappointments...you have come so far.
On a personal level you have given me the inspiration to restart my own journey. I am 60 and have been dieting since age 12. I am tired and my insurance has a weight loss exception so no medical intervention for me.
It's back to counting calories. This will be my last attempt.
Thank you for letting me be a part of your journey as I gather my own strength to do-it-again.

Blessings to you....