So hard to keep this secret...

But, I can reveal it soon! It is one of the main reasons I KNEW I had to move forward with surgery. If you already know, please don't say anything here just yet. :) On another front, I am feeling so sure that I need to take the next step and join a gym and get a personal trainer. I have to start from zero and physical therapy is great but it is for stretching and not for weight training. (per my PT) She hasn't cleared me yet, but maybe I can convince her to just let me work on my arms. I re-new my handicap placard today, hopefully for the LAST time. There are still some places where the walk is just to far from the car but as far as other places I am all good. My back is STILL not at a place where I can sleep in a bed and I REALLY want that. I am trying to not look at the negatives of my situation because there is SOOOO much positive, but the fact of the matter remains... I did this to myself. The weight gain on my kind of back disability damaged me further to the point where I could never be 100% again. My beginning stage heart disease can't be reversed. These re things I feel where stolen from me by my food addiction, but I am still mad at myself for not seeing it. All the rationalising, all the new diets on "Monday," the "I am going back to THIs plan or starting THIS plan" is ALL the voice of addiction. And I gave in, BIG TIME. I lost control of who I am. I have said it before... addiction robs you of the life you want, the life you need, and the life you deserve. There is no "I'll start fresh on Monday" when you have forever damaged the INSIDE of your body. This is something I will have to live with forever, but I MUST forgive myself in order to move forward. I am not there yet. The more "new" things I get to do every day is another thing I realize that I was not able to do because of my addiction. It is yet ANOTHER thing I allowed my food obsession to control. I should have been stronger. I should have fought harder. On the positive side, how many 34 year olds get to have a re-birth where almost everything in their life is new? :) I get to experience new things EVERY DAY and I am soaking it up. There will come a day where I get "used" to all these things and I will look back on this site to remind myself to find the joy in every moment of every day and be thankful for the smallest things.

6 months post-op update with new pics!

‎‎6 months out update: I have lost 73 pounds and gone from a size 32/34 pants to a loose size 20. My shirts were size 5X (or around 32/34's) and yesterday I wore a 2X! I still have HUGE boobs and they have only gone down one size so when I post my side pics you will see why I look like a Dolly Parton freak and why I haven't gone down much in shirt size. :) Things I can do: cross my legs, stand and walk for an hour at a time, take showers, lift things, go ANYWHERE I WANT, the list is so long I could never put it all down. If I never lose another pound I am still happy. Right now I'm in a place I have only dreamed of for almost 10 years. I feel like I am dating my husband all over again. He has not seen this part of me since we met 16 years ago. My kids are meeting a new mom. I was all over the place for my daughter's birthday party on Sat. and to most people it may have looked normal but for me it was huge. I was taking part instead of barking orders from the sidelines. I walk around sometimes for no reason, just because it feels like my body wants to move. I don't sit very often at social functions. I can eat anything I want. That is good and bad. Good because I feel so "normal" because I have NO food restrictions, I don't have to "diet" and I can be a part of the crowd. Bad because I still have to make good choices on my own. Sometimes that is harder than other times, but this surgery gives me the upper hand on those choices. My health is great. TMI here... I do have hard stool which is a side effect from my vitamin. I have hair loss but the hair that does stay in my head :) is shiny and healthier than it's been in a long time. I had to have my gallbladder out but I feel NO effects from that and my incisions have not re-opened all week. (I have been trying to take it easy)

My goals for the next 6 months: #1: sleep in a bed. (still working on this in physical therapy) #2: join a gym #3: start walking in October with a few ladies from church #4: DRINK MORE WATER... this is a hard one for me because I HATE water and all things that resemble water. lol #5: look in to breast reduction surgery. Ok, well thanks for reading my update!

120 pounds lost - weight loss surgery MYTHS

239.8

#1, So I read lots of WL blogs and when people are saying why they don't chose surgery they often site weight gain several years after surgery. I would like to point out that weight gain with "normal" weight loss is a 97% probability. It is MUCH less for weight loss surgery. #2, I also read about nutrient deficiencies. I DID NOT HAVE THE BYPASS and I do NOT have a malabsorbsion issue. I take a multi-vitamin and calcium C. That's it. #3, "Your hair falls out so it has to be unhealthy!" If you have rapid weight loss of ANY kind you may have some hair loss. I do have some hair loss but my hair is also much shinier and a LOT stronger than before surgery. #4, You will have gallbladder issues. The reason why 30% of weight loss surgery patients have to get their gallbladder removed is because of PRIOR damage by eating high fat foods for so long. When mine was taken out it was highly scarred and damaged due to the years of abuse I have put my body through. #5, (my favorite) I don't want to take the "easy way out." Nice, and STUPID. With my surgery I can eat ANYTHING I want. NO RESTRICTIONS. This means if I want to eat a gallon of ice cream I could because it would go down just fine. I could eat bags of chips or anything else for that matter. I have to CHOOSE not to every day. JUST LIKE BEFORE SURGERY. I have to make the CHOICE to go to physical therapy and make the CHOICE to drink my water and eat the right food, JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. The part that is "easier" is that I don't have binge cravings as I did before and this gives me the boost I need to help make healthy choices. If any of you read my blog before you know that my binging was my vice and it was the thing that was killing me. I had to make a medical choice to get help for my problem in order to save my life. Weight loss surgery is a TOOL I use daily to help me take baby steps toward health and a LIFELONG healthy lifestyle. I have NEVER met anyone who has gained back ALL of their weight after weight loss surgery (unless they have the band, I have met quite a few band people who have(I am not saying don't get the band, I'm sure it works great for a lot of people, I am just stating what I have personally seen in real life with people I know)) but no matter what healthy tool you decide to use, anything that will give you extra control to help you move forward with creating a healthy life is a good thing. That is different for everyone but please, know the facts before making weight loss surgery part of your platform. Sadly, I read these "facts" on blogs where I have watched people gain and lose weight OVER AND OVER again, just like me. If you don't want to do it, just say that. It's not the wrong choice, I am NOT for everyone running out to get surgery. In my case it was to save my life and I would do it 100 times again. It's not for everyone but it's been AWESOME for me. :)

Today - out of this world!

My sweet little baby girl started dance class today. I got her ready, took a million pics, drove her to class, talked with the teacher, talked with another mom (all while standing), came home and got an e-mail from my sons school about attending "room mom" orientation... Today, I feel as though I am a new mom. After 4 kids, it is only now that my body is able to do all the things I have longed to do in the past. Now I am the mom who I used to watch from my car window, or read about on Facebook updates. I had one of those moments today where I started to cry from the gratefulness I felt. I can now be there person who helps out a friend when she is not feeling well or who makes plans with her family to attend the State Fair. As I tucked my sweet little girl in for her nap I again thanked my Heavenly Father for answering my lifelong prayer about my weight and giving me the courage to go forward even when my addiction was trying to change my mind. Life is so precious. All of this is new for me and I am enjoying these moments. Each and EVERY one. :) Morbid Obesity is a thief. It steals you from life, from yourself and from others. I am glad I did what I had to do in order to lock him up. :)

I am so tired of reading the same crap on all the weight loss blogs!

I read that a lot. For the most part it is written when someone has found the "answer" to weight loss and thinks everyone else is "doing it wrong." The bloggers are usually in their honeymoon stage of weight loss (yes, there is such a thing) and they "want everyone to feel as good as they do." I admit those type of posts make me a little upset. Yes, on 90% of WL blogs you will see everyone going up and down. You will see excuse after excuse (justifications) as to why they are triggered to eat etc. You will see the "new commitment on Monday" type of thing. My blog was like that for 4 years and I had many bloggers tell me they had the answer and that I was pathetic because I had been blogging so long and losing then regaining weight. WELL... Sorry to be part of the 97% of the world population that struggles to keep weight off. I firmly believe in food addiction. Food addiction has a cycle and part of that cycle, like other cycles of addition include relapse. IT IS PART OF THE PROCESS. I read the same blogs almost every day. I feel like I know these people. We have been in each other's lives for years. I SEE addiction. I watch as the blogger goes down the slippery slope. I read the excuses, I hurt for what I know is happening. BUT, I NEVER say anything mean about it because each fight for health is a journey only that person can take. I had a few comments over the years by LOVING people who were concerned. Really good comments, really ACCURATE comments but at the time, knee deep in my addiction I didn't see it. Now, I see things for what they are and realized that so many were right. It must have been hard for those who cared to read my up and down OVER AND OVER. I often ask myself why I let things get as bad as they did. The simple answer to that is that I am a food addict. I was riding the cycle of addiction and now I am watching that ride take other people up and down the same way. It hurts to read, but I know it is PART OF THE PROCESS. Some people are released from the clutches of addiction. Some will never know that freedom. :( As humans, we are here to love each other through this. Just like you learn in the 12 step programs that are for family members of addicts, YOU CAN'T SAVE ANYONE BUT YOURSELF. Trying to "let people know about themselves" will not help. No one will get there until they are READY to get there. So the next time you my be thinking that you are tired of reading the same type of blogs etc., remember that there is a person on the other side of that blog, maybe you are one of them, who is trapped by food addiction. They deserve love, they deserve friends, they deserve to have hope. I am sooo grateful to those of you who have taken your time to continue to read about my journey. Please go support someone today. :)

Not many people know about this...

http://www.lautenberg.senate.gov/stopandremember/stop-remember.cfm

Please click on the link and share. This was approved in the senate this summer and not many people know about it.

Still here

Right after my gallbladder surgery I felt GREAT. so great that the day I got home I started doing regular stuff, going shopping, etc. THEN, about 5 days after I started having HORRIBLE right side pain when I breathed in. I went to my Dr. who sent me to the ER. Turns out I have a side effect from the GB surgery where the lining f your lung becomes inflamed. To top it off my top incision (I have 4) opened so I am under strict instructions not to wear a bra for a week. This is a problem. I am a size HHH so when I walk my boobs SWING AND SLAP TOGETHER. Not pretty. So, i am on self imposed house arrest for the rest of the week. :) Other than that I am feeling great. I have not been getting on the scale because I am just enjoying life. I just remembered so I hopped on the scale yesterday to see that after a three week stall I am down 6 pounds from last week. :) I am 2 pounds away from losing 120. (almost at 70 lost from surgery) This month on the 21st will be my 6 month anniversary of the day I made the choice to LIVE. The BEST thing I have ever done. I eat normal food. I don't diet or count calories. I am "normal." Thank the Lord.

Home From the hospital

Banged up, but doing pretty good. The Dr. told my husband that my gallbladder was pretty beat up. It even had scar tissue! That is what all those years of yo-yo dieting have done to my insides. If you are on that same cycle, please remember that eating crap has effects you can't see. You could be destroying your body from the inside out. anyway, I have blurry vision so I am going to sign off. thanks for all the well wishes.

Second surgery in 3 days :(

Well, I have my second surgery in 5 months coming up in just three short days. I am VERY nervous. The Dr. said it is an "easy" surgery and my recovery should be easier than last time with the WLS. I have morbid thoughts of being under etc. It is weird because my gallbladder attack was only for one evening, then a dull pain for a couple of days and now it's gone. I fell GREAT so it's hard to understand why I need it taken out. BUT, I do know that GB attacks can lead to infections etc. and I don't want it to turn in to an emergency situation later. I still have over 70 pounds to go to reach my goal weight and I am ready for all this medical crap to be over. I will update as soon as I can afterwards. Thanks for caring.

Kinda awesome... :) & therapy session details

I had to go to the surgeons office today to confirm that I need gallbladder surgery and I do. It's scheduled for this Tuesday. (prayers welcome) Anyway, yesterday I had e-mailed is PA with the comparison pic from my last post and she was shocked. :) So.... I have been asked if my pics and story can be used in their education classes and seminars! This makes me feel AWESOME because the reason why I started this blog was to reach out to and maybe help other people who were addicted to food. I allowed myself to get blog bullied by a crazy person and I retreated within myself because that is what the fat girl does most of the time. Puts her head down and tries not to get noticed. I was so sad that my story and journey was lost in the drama. Now, I feel like I get a new chance to help others. I have a new way to reach out to people who are suffering as I did. I went to therapy today and realized my entire outlook has changed in 5 short months. The clouds in my head are all but gone as far as being the fat one who wants to hide in the corner. I have never had a problem expressing myself, but I never felt part of the world around me. I never belonged. I was always the outgoing fat girl who made people laugh or cry. I made fun of myself before anyone else could so I was a “cool” fat person. I was accepted but I knew I was an imposter. They really didn’t know the person inside who was hurting everyday that I was not “one of them.” I could not shop in the same stores, I had no idea what it was like to get asked to the prom by someone who liked you. I smiled for the camera then cried at home. Even in commanding large crowds, I was alone. I now want to break down doors and be present in the world. I hope to be a small part in helping others get to this place. I still have such a long road ahead and a ton more weight to lose so I'm flattered that they want to use my story since it's really only just beginning. I feel so validated that I made the right choice for me. Now, I need to get through this second surgery. Thanks for listening.

Bad News :(

I went out Friday night with my husband and one other couple to celebrate their birthdays and a dull pain started in my right side. I thought it was gas so I took some gas-x strips before we left. As the night went on, the pain got worse and worse. By then end of the night I was sweating from the pain. My hubby took me to the ER. Turns out it is my gallbladder and I have a "ton" of stones. It needs to come out. :( I REALLY didn't want another surgery because the WLS was such a hard recovery for me. I will find out tomorrow when this will happen. We have something big happening in our family in a couple of months and I need to be 100% for that. (can't say what it is right now) Anyway, aside from this, I have been feeling GREAT! I can fit in to a size 20 jeans that don't stretch! :)

new comparison pic! - 60 pounds lost since surgery (in 4 months)

My daughter took this pic of me on Friday before the jr. high orientation. I felt like a million bucks. It's amazing how in 4 and a half months my life can change so drastically. I love my sleeve. I LOVE my life. I am grateful beyond words!

so, 60 pound update... (the other 50 I lost was before surgery)

* I can walk even farther
* I can stand for up to an hour (before surgery I could only stand for a minute or two)
* I have more confidence
* I learned I LOVE to cook! This one is a shocker! Before I always wanted fast meals like fast food or restaurant food because it was "hard" for me to cook meals and honestly I wanted them faster than I could cook them.
* I find myself seeing other "food addicts" everywhere I go. I notice the wobble, the leaning on the carts, the grimace on the face of pain, and each time I want to cry. For them and for me having spent so many years like that. I wish I could run up to everyone and tell them there is an answer. But like with other addictions, they have to be the one that is ready.
* I am a better mother. Stuff doesn't get to me AT ALL the way it used to before surgery. As an addict, I was wrapped up in my addiction. My food and binging came first. No matter how many times I said my family was the most important thing in my life, I was a liar. If that were true, I would not have let myself become immobile and miss out on their lives as much as I did.
* I am a better wife. My poor husband worked full time then had to come home and do everything, do all the shopping, all the set up for any holiday etc. I was present, but I played the role as "fatty supervisor." You know the type. the one that was perched on a couch nest barking out orders to everyone else but never gets off her fat @ss to do any of it herself. Now, I am more of his partner. There are still many things I am not able to do, but I try more and more. I was worried he would have a hard time not being the "savior" after my surgery, but I can tell he is excited for my new energy.
* I am more exposed than ever. My fat shield is coming down and that makes me uncomfortable. My feelings that have been stuffed deep inside my body are moving closer and closer to the surface and this is scary for me. I am still in therapy EVERY week, but even there I don't feel comfortable when I notice that my body no longer allows me to push down my feelings. I try, believe me. It is a mind trip that a weight loss surgery has such an effect on the mind. This is a territory that I actually would rather not go in to, but for some reason my body rejects me repressing things since surgery so I am FORCED to look at things. I hope to be able to share them here as long as I feel safe.

Thanks for looking at yet ANOTHER update pic. lol

You will NEVER GUESS what I did???!!! (fatty porn pics included) lol

Ok, here's the fatty porn pic. lol You know I love to get in to a bathing suit to really compare. I have the fattest, whitest legs, and no makeup, but I still felt great. Life is for living! :)

I wanted to do something totally different in order to celebrate my new life for my birthday. All the years of putting off the real fun because "next year I will lose the weight" is over for me. Even if I never lose another pound I have to be happy in my own skin. Lose and all. I started the morning with swimming for two hours. I hosted our church playgroup at our neighborhood pool so I was in front of everyone in all my glory. You know I have done this in the past and I firmly believe in NOT stopping your life because of your weight. So, I got some good exercise for two hours. Then, I took my son to his kindergarten testing, went home and got ready for my birthday night. :) My hubby decorated our kitchen so cute and bought me roses. We went to dinner at this awesome Mexican place that serves single small tacos so I feel like I am getting a real meal like everyone else. lol This place is a downtown shop type area that for YEARS I had only seen through a car window, and now I have been there twice in two months. :) Anyway, we sat outside next to the fountain and had a great time. That was supposed to be it, but I had decided earlier that this year I had to do something I ha never done before, and something I COULD NOT do before surgery due to my weight. Sooo... I came up with go-cart racing! I haven't even THOUGHT of doing this in the past because #1, I would be too big to fit and #2, I could never get down low enough to get in in the first place. Last night all that changed. I OWNED that cart, flying around the corners, racing my kids, feeling the wind in my hair... It was so freeing! It was a feeling I have not felt since I was a little girl. After dinner we went home and celebrated with a little cake and gifts. It was the perfect day.

110 pounds lost! :) - On my birthday! :)

On my birthday. This is a wonderful gift to myself. :) I have a busy day ahead... I am hosting a playgroup at the pool, I have to pick up my daughter from summer band practice, go to physical therapy, collect items for the church give & get, then my hubby is taking me and the kids out to celebrate my birthday with dinner and a stroll in a wonderful downtown area that I love and used to only see through the window of a car because I could not walk around. I love living life. I love that I made the choice to SAVE my life. Every birthday is a blessing. Have a great day folks! :)

a pic of me from a changing room at Lane Bryant...:)

I didn't realize it was this blurry, but I am wearing a size 20 jeans!!! At the time of my surgery (4 months ago) I was in a 32! I actually felt like hot stuff for the first time EVER in a dressing room. :) lol Can't wait to do it again! lol The shirt is a size 22! (I have HHH sized boobs so I always have to get bigger shirts. I was up to a 5x before surgery. I found out in this same trip my bra size has gone "down" to a 'G'. The next surgery for me is a breast reduction. :)