Follow-up appt. on Friday to see about revision surgery

I wonder what I will say if he says "do it now." I may be tempted.

My New Year's Resolution is...

NOT to have a New Year's Resolution. Every year it's the same thing. This is my last year being this fat! I WILL make a change this year! Now it's do or die! (as if the week before it wasn't.) Sorry. Not for me anymore. A resolution is another way to give me something to fail. Instead I am happy to focus every year, no matter what the month, :) on moving towards health. I do like that once the holiday food temptations are gone it is MUCH easier to do that so in that way I love starting "new" but as far as putting all my eggs in one basket, no more. Having said that, I will be starting PT again soon (as soon as I can get the ok from my dr.) in hopes of a better sleep experience. I moved back to the chair for sleeping and I have to admit my back feels sooo much better but now my hips and legs are locking up again. It's a damned if I do, damned if I don't type of situation. Oh well. there are good things to focus on. Today I enrolled my oldest son at the school where my husband teaches and I had my two little ones with me. My 2 year old had to use the potty and since we are knee deep in potty training I didn't want to tell her to try and wait. At the same time, I was feeding the little one who would SCREAM if I tried to take the bottle out of her mouth so I ended up walking to the bathroom while holding her and lifting a toddler on the big potty. lol I know other say, "who cares? People do that every day!" Well, not me. I have NEVER walked with a baby until with this one and have never been able to walk around with TWO little ones without having to worry if their was a chair to sit in on the way or if the bathroom was too far for me to walk. I love that with every little thing that is a problem, there is a larger thing I can be grateful for.

Kind of a step Back :(

I am going to have to start sleeping in "the chair" again at least a few days per week because my back pain is sooo bad. It feels like someone is taking an axe to my lower back just to roll over. My medical ins. changed so my PT went from no co-pay to $50 PER VISIT! Can't afford that so I am going back in two weeks to try and get an "at-home" type of program. In many ways by back disability is a double edged sword. If I could walk, sleep in a bed, take care of myself at 360 pounds, would I have gotten my surgery? I don't think so. Honestly, my food addiction is so real that even the threat of losing my life wasn't enough for me to stop. It took my back making me home bound from the pain and pressure of all the fat that sent me to the place where I knew I would end up like that mom in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" if I didn't get help. I am grateful for my back problems for that reason, but living in so much pain all the time can take it's toll. It's all the more reason to try to get the scale moving in a downward direction again in order to relieve some of the pressure. I have my appt in Jan. with the surgeon to go over my options. If I am part of the 1% freak show of scare tissue gone crazy, then what are my chances of that happening again? Who knows. for now I am still functioning in "grateful mode." :)

Wow (Christmas pics included)

I had an amazing Christmas. What a joy and wonder it is to be able to participate in life. What a true blessing. For Christmas Eve we had over 30 people here. I was able to do EVERYTHING without a chair! :) Awesome. It doesn't stop here. :) I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and please have a safe New Year!

Below: our tree right after Santa came :)

Below: Our kitchen...

Stairs...

Entry way...

piano...

Living room from formal dining room...

Choc. Chip pancakes I made for breakfast before the kids came down... (Nope, I didn't eat any)

The kids coming down and seeing that Santa ate the cookies, drank the milk and wipped his feet from the fireplace on the paper towel... :)

So excited... :)

Paper fight after the un-wrapping! :)

Our "Wall of Love" where we place all our Christmas cards. :)...

Sexy Santa pic!

NOT! lol But maybe one day... lol In the mean time I have to settle for this...

Taken by my older son during our annual "Operation Cookie Drop." My kids LOVe this tradition and this year I went up to some doors too instead of watching it all from the car the ENTIRE time. Awesome. Yes, we made cookies. Lots and lots of them. I will NEVER take away fun holiday traditions due to my food issues. Food has taken over my life enough without those around me having to give up more and more. We make about 200 cookies, all kinds, then pack them up and "drop" them off to friends and neighbors. I keep a few for our own cookie jar. I find it funny that my weight loss surgery makes my cookie tradition more fun. lol Without it, I would not have been able to enjoy going up to the door, seeing the smiles on friends faces, hear my kids saying "Merry Christmas," all of it. I love my sleeve. I am grateful for traditions, even the ones with food. I will host about 30 people at my house for Christmas Eve. NONE of whom are overweight except me. I will offer all the goodies and they will bring goodies of their own. We will enjoy this day with NO thought to food. No thought to binges. I understand most people try to go in to it with plans of what to eat, bringing their own healthy stuff etc., but I for me the obsession about dieting takes away just as much fun as the being fat in the first place part. I choose to ignore foods power over me. I choose to enjoy friends and family, the miracle of Christmas. I will not obsess about calories, portions, the food table etc. Relax and enjoy your holidays folks. It's the dark of night after the guests leave, when the leftovers are calling my name which is the dangerous part. My solution? I buy HUGE cake pans and give them to each family to bring home leftovers. By the time they have all filled up their pans, there is not much left but maybe enough for my own family to pick on the next day. Good solution for all. My family still gets leftovers but there are not enough for me to eat yet still have enough for the family the next day. Not enough for me to hide a binge because there is so much food no one can tell how much is missing. Not enough for me to binge night after night until New Years because "I am starting fresh Jan 1st! This is the year!" Yep. Been there done ALL that. Food is NOT my focus of 2012. HEALTH is my focus. Dieting can be just as much an obsession as food addiction and it leads to the same place 97% of the time. Jump off the hamster wheel.

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Wow - I tried something new! :)

Let me start by saying I HATE HATE HATE shakes that I have to make because I am too busy. I like to open it and drink it. Period. I have been using Premier Protein shakes from Costco for 8 months now. I like them, but I'm bored. So, I tried something new. I have two months worth so even if I hated it I had to use it. lol I admit it was cool to use the little blender thingy I've had since before my surgery. :) To sum it up... it's no milkshake but it's good! I added half a carbmaster yogurt to make it creamy and yum! I added a handful of ice and about 8 oz of water, but it could have been more water. I didn't measure. By the end of the blending I had almost 20 oz. 150 calories from the shake, 30 from the half yogurt. 7 carbs and 27 grams of protein. I will have the same thing for lunch. I think tomorrow I will add Crystal light instead of pure water to really give it a punch.

Food addiction is SOOO real!!!!!

Not for everyone, but for those that are full blown addicts like me, we have to realize that we will NEVER get to that place to ever really be "free" from addiction. So many food addicts replace their food addictions after surgery with other things, or if you have not had surgery you lose weight but still obsess over EVERY meal and plan it out ALL DAY LONG in your mind. When I used to look at "skinny" girls I would think, I can't wait to look like that and feel great! I would imagine that all my food issues would be gone once I hit my goal weight. "Once I hit my goal weight I will do x,y & z" etc... I was laughing at myself last night because you know you are still a full-blown food addict when you look forward to eating your chewable milti vitamin because the taste resembles candy. :) I have no idea what state I would be in today if I had not had my surgery to help me "manage" my addiction, but it's so important that I spread the message that surgery, dieting, a new "weight loss program" will NEVER "cure" you of a food addiction. Just like other addictions, you can live in recovery, but you have to face the addiction most everyday and be willing to say "no" to your former best friend each time it wants to "get back together." Don't get me wrong, there are days where I feel free, there are days where I regret my surgery because it keeps me away from my besting friend Binging. BUT, most days are filled with appreciation for LIFE. No matter what plan you use to try and get healthy, the goal is LIFE. Not a certain weight on the scale, not a clothing size, but the ability to live life to it's fullest and most sincere. I hope with the new year we all don't bogg ourselves down with resolutions that only highlight our failures days or months later, but we commit any day of the year to try to live our lives to the best of our abilities. I still need to learn this. I still need to work on this in more ways than just managing my addiction. I need to re-learn how I see myself. I need to stop calling myself ugly when my face breaks out or when I catch a look at my hanging skin in the mirror. I need to tell myself that my hair isn't straw and that everyone at church looks better than me. I need to stop looking around a room to see if I'm the fattest one EVERYWHERE I go. Too late to make a long story short, but I chose right now to make a good choice. I am going to get off the computer and be productive. :)

For your viewing pleasure, here is our Christmas tree this year... :)

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE! :) - pic of this little person... :)

I had an awesome weekend. I watched my older son's school choir sign at the mall then he and my older daughter had an ice skate party with other school kids. This mall is awesome and the ice skate rink is right there in the mall so we spent a LONg day there with the little kids visiting Santa as the older kids were skating, then the performance... And I was WALKING around ALL day and it was GREAT! I have to keep reminding myself that even if I never lose another pound, I am sooooo grateful to be walking. It's amazing. Of the food front, my new "shakes" came in the mail so I am going to try these instead of the Costco brand to see if they keep me fuller-longer. I have an appt with the surgeon after the 1st of the year to get my options for a revision surgery based on what the tissue does during this "mostly" liquid phase. Whatever. I am so happy with what I have already, anything else is icing on the cake. My real challenge is still my back. I can't express how painful it is to lay down or try and get out of bed and I have to do that several times a night with the baby. :) My ins. changed and started all over so I can't afford the $75 per visit co-pay to go to PT three times per week. We will have to make it once per month and the PT will give me mostly a home plan. :( It's still better than nothing.

Amazing!

I had the most amazing Thanksgiving holiday. My high school friends came from out of state to stay with us and left this morning. We hosted Thanksgiving again this year with tons of friends, I took a ride on the Polar Express yesterday with our friends and my family, I have gone to see downtown Christmas lights, cooked my butt off, all without ANY limitations. We have our newest little addition... I am sooooooooooooooo grateful for my surgery. It's because I prayed and got my answer to move forward with it that I am able to experience the type of holiday I always used to say I would have "next year." No more next year! No more..." by this time next year I will be such and such pounds and be able to do this..." SCREW THAT! The time is now! Today's the day! The moment is NOW! :) Wow. I am happy. Still fat in the eyes of most, but so damn happy.

Update from my dr. appt

Well, it turns out I am indeed the 1% of people who has scar tissue expand. Whatever. I am still VERY happy with getting this surgery and will do a revision if I have too. I am on kind of a pre-op diet again to see if the mass will shrink or if it does not which will tell the dr. the options for revision. I am STILL at 236. I swear my body is working against me at all costs to keep from going down from that number. :) The baby is so perfect and such a joy. All of our kids are adjusting so well to her and having her during this holiday season makes it so much more fun. :) We are having my fiends from out of state join us for Thanksgiving and they will stay a few days. I love hosting guests especially when my body allows me to participate in the fun. We just bought tickets to the Polar Express. I am not worried about the food. I will make the Thanksgiving feast just as I have EVERY year, only this year I will not be rolling around on a chair. :) I hope everyone has a GREAT Thanksgiving!

I've been busy with... :)

(the photographer came to our house to do the newborn pics. She is taking a shot from above in this pic. :)
This perfect blessing... :) Live is amazing and YES! I owe it to my surgery! I was holding the baby the other day, bouncing her in my arms while STANDING. like a normal mother would. It hit me all of a sudden.. I am standing and holding my baby! Soooo normal for most people but something that brought me to tears. I feel like I am over the weight loss phase of my life. I know 237 is still massively fat for most people, but coming from 360 it feels pretty good. At this point I focus on health. Weight loss is a bonus... lol My appointment with my surgeon is this Wednesday and I will find out if he recommends a revision. If I need it, I won't be able to get it done until the summer. If he recommends the bypass I will NOT do it. I know many have had success with that but the malabsorbtion issues would be too dangerous for me considering my need to take blood thinners from my strokes etc. Again, my first surgery was to save my life. I don't agree with surgery in order to just look better. I will rely on the gym and physical therapy to help with that. :) Anyway, I am a happy girl right now. I am sooo blessed with my family and some good close friends. I am happy to be rid of "friends" who are only around when they want something from you. I feel free from so much baggage by cutting back on the negative influences in my life. It is so much easier to see the blessings you have without all the darkness effecting your vision. :) I feel about fat the same way. I am STILL AND ALWAYS WILL BE AN ADDICT. I still think of food. I imagine the type of binges I could have if I had not had my surgery. I STILL fight regret when faced with the truth that binging is not a way I can cope even if I wanted too. It is so weird for your mind to still want something it knows you are not capable of giving it anymore. That part never turns off and for those who think surgery will kill it 100%, PLEASE know that is NOT true. BUT... it does keep you from giving in because you have no choice. Anyway, I feel that the layers of fat were barriers from real happiness. It's so hard to see through them to the world outside. Sorry, I am all over the place today but I will try to update after my appt. as far as the results. If I am some kind of freak show who has had her stomach grow back, I will not be surprised. :)

Weight Loss Picture update

This pic was taken on Friday night. My hubby and I went out on a date the night before we brought the new baby home. During the date we walked around the mall holding hands, watched ice skaters and went out to dinner. I felt like I was walking on air because I had not done this with him in about 8 years because of my weight/back. (p.s., the pants are a size 18!) :)So, I am now a sexy beast because I fit in to my black boots which I have not worn for YEARS! (My ankles got to fat so they would not close.)

This is me in our hospital room (the hospital gave us our own room, isn't that cool?) right before we went to the nursery to pick up the baby and bring her home. What a miracle that was made possible by my surgery in so many ways. #1, I could not walk more than a few feet before surgery #2, I could not have picked up a new baby #3, I am happier than I have EVER been which makes sleepless night much more bearable. :) Sorry, I know I look a mess in this pic but I had already cried off all my make-up. lol Thanks for all the congrats! I appreciate it so much! I am STILL at 237 which means I have been in a stall for almost 2 months. BUT... my body is still changing and I can do more and more each day so I'm all good!

My BIG news is...

Meet Baby Girl "C" :)

Born today weighing in at 8 pounds 3 ounces, 19 inches long

The birth mother is a friend of our family and she is nothing less than an angel.

I was allowed to be in the room and cut the cord!

One of the most beautiful experiences ever. We've known since the birth mom was about 7 weeks along. We found out about 2 weeks before my surgery. I knew in that moment that I HAD to do this in order to be able to not only be the mom my other 4 kids deserve, but to be the mom this new little one would need. Today was perfect. I just got home about an hour ago. I am in-love. :)

BIG hint for my special announcement!!! :)

Big news tomorrow... :)

Got the upper GI today...

I have a ball on top of my sleeve. Nice. I have an appointment next week to talk about where we go from here. :(