Not all rainbows and lollipops...

I think I need to add some balance here. Surgery for me was the most wonderful thing I could have ever done for myself. I have so many new moments. This morning I am 255. That is a 105 pound WL. 55 pounds since surgery 4 months ago. I am reaping the benefits now, but the beginning was more than hard. To start, the liquid diet before surgery was the WORST part. This is withdrawal for any food addict. Every sound, every voice, every gust of wind was like knives cutting me. Every thought was of food. Every dream, every thought, every wish. It was a HORRIBLE two weeks. I cried almost everyday. It really hit me how much I needed help. Then after the surgery, those same issues came up about three or four days after surgery. I was STARVING. The hunger chemical was still in my system (the stomach produces Ghrelin which tells your brain you are hungry. When the stomach is removed, you no longer produce Ghrelin.)

I could not eat and I could barely drink about 8 oz of water per day. I was in so much pain. I would not do anything. I needed my poor husband to take me to the bathroom and wipe me. It was a very low moment for me. I stayed that miserable for almost a month. Then, I started noticing I could do more and more. It's been like that ever since. Each new day brings a new thing I can do. Right after my surgery, I was having SERIOUS regrets. I missed food so much. I missed the relationship my mind had with food. I had no source of comfort, peace, happiness... In therapy I talked about my lack of coping skills without food. That first two months or so were hard mentally above all else. I was still in what I would call "withdrawal." Now, 4 months later EVERYTHING is different. I still get to enjoy food. I am "normal" now when it comes to food. I am never hungry and I eat very small portions, but even with those small portions I am completely full and satisfied which for me was something I never got from dieting. I have said this before... This surgery is NOT for everyone. I had lost control on so many levels and needed medical help. Doing this has also exposed me to some of the inside layers emotionally which in the past I could bury with food. I am just now starting to explore my grief from the lost of my Papa and Grammie. I am just now getting to the deep levels of shame I felt as a child as a result of getting molested. I told my therapist last week that I now feel like my issues are right under my skin, trying to get out and I don't feel ready to "see" them. In my mind, I still know that a binge would drive those issues back down "where they belong" but I no longer physically have that option so I have no other choice but to start addressing things as they surface. Anyway, I guess this post has lots of thoughts. Thanks for reading.

A pic to explain why I am indeed a rock star!... :)

You see the big yellow water slide? Well, I went down that thing! I, Lisa, went on a WATER SLIDE!!!! It was my first time in at least 20 years. The last time I went on a water slide I was in jr. high. By the time I got to high school, I was already (in my mind) to big to be in a bathing suit in front of a living, breathing person. I also have to admit, it took me a good hour to work up the nerve to on this one. I spent a good amount of time telling myself all the things that could go wrong. #1, I could have a hard time going up the 4 flights of stairs to the top and have to turn around and go down in front of everyone. #2 I could actually get stuck on the water slide because we have all seen that "America's funniest home video" where the really big guy has to push him self down the slide because he is to heavy for the water to carry him down. Did I really want that to happen in front of my friends and my husband and kids? #3 What if the slide cracked or came off it's hinges under my weight? How would I feel knowing that I broke the slide for everyone?

THEN, the negative self talk started. My addiction was once again telling me I was not good enough. "Lisa, you still look gross. No one wants to see a whale with fat rolls walk up those stairs and go down the slide... You should wait until next year... Maybe you will look better by then... You are just asking to be humiliated... don't do it..."

After an hour of this, I told that voice to shut the hell up and buckle it's seatbelt because I am about to have fun!

I practically ran up those stairs and was not winded AT ALL. I do admit to checking with the lifeguard about the weight limit at least 20 times before I went down... lol It was really one of those moments that changes things. I sat there at the top. (I got down on the slide all by myself..:) I took some deep breaths. Once again that voice tried to talk me out of this. "The kids in the water or those along the side ride will see you! They will make fun of you! If you end up getting stuck, you are going to have to yell for help..." You will embarrass your husband...

I took another deep breath. It is now or never Lisa! Tell that voice, tell ALL the voices of people who tell you you can't, you won't, you shouldn't... Tell them to go to hell! So, with that, I pushed off REALLY hard. I intended to own this slide. I intended to show that voice that I AM IN CHARGE. I went down that slide like there was no tomorrow. I flew around the turns, I was going faster and faster until "SPLASH!" I hit the water. It felt like a baptism. I was coming up a new woman. Washed away was the voice of weakness. Washed away was the "I can't, I won't, I should not." What emerged was FUN. I felt like a kid. I felt free. I walked around for the rest of the time in all my fat roll glory, no bathing suit cover, enjoying all the evening had to give me. I am free. I AM IN CHARGE of the quality of my life. I am still way off from being a bathing suit beauty, and will any of us really ever get there? Will I ever look like a model in a bathing suit? No, but I am WORTHY of fun. I may never be "bathing suit ready" so there is no need to put off life anymore! I know, all this from a water slide? Yes. Go on one as soon as you can so you can feel it too. :)

Do you see this bump??!!

This is my leg being pulled at physical therapy. Yes, I took a pic with my phone. lol Why? Because I saw a bump on the left hand side of my foot. I figured out what it was... an ankle bone! Yes, I have ankles now! :)

Fat Face pic and full body shot

I have new pics I took today so I can make more of a comparison than the pic in the last post.

Thought I would throw in this pic taken tonight with my hubby. The pic on the left is the night before my surgery and by then I had already lost weight on my own so I was "down" to 310.

I DID IT!!! 100 pounds lost (pic included)

Wow. I can't believe this is here. I actually got there several days ago (actually, 101 pounds lost but who's counting right?) but I have been so busy with company I could not update here. All I an say is that I rock on so many levels... lol j.k. Actually, my sweet bloggy friend Chris pointed out a few posts back that my lowest point, my rock bottom came last summer when my family was going to the lake and I could not get down from a wall in order to go to the sand beach from the sidewalk. It was horrible. Everyone was staring, I ended up ROLLING on the ground in order to get to a standing position. I broke down in tears right in front of all the lake go-ers. I ended up watching my family at the lake FROM MY CAR. It was so sad. I was so embarrassing. Until that moment, I never realized how my food addiction TRULY affected my family. I knew I would be a better wife and mom if I could get around more, but this was a new low entirely. My sweet hubby wanted to leave because it hurt him to see me that way, but I said no because I didn't want to upset the kids. That was the day I was literally watching my life pass me by. I saw my family's life as it would be without me and they all looked sad. Honestly, what right did I have to adopt all these kids if I didn't plan on being around for them? How must they feel to be put in the back seat to food? Then, what about me? I was DYING. Physically, spiritually, emotionally. I prayed everyday, all day for God to "save me" from this addiction. To release me from this demon that possessed my soul.

On this day, it was clear that I needed medical intervention. I was so afraid of the future, how would I live without certain foods? How would I celebrate, mourn, feel without my go-to foods? A few months after this episode I was hospitalized for breathing & heart problems. After all the work-ups the Dr walked in my room and told me ALL of my problems were obesity related, even at my young age. The day I left the hospital, I never binged again. I never ate sweets, I went cold turkey. I had the will power that came from a place of fear and shame. The WRONG reasons because if you are doing this out of guilt or hatred of yourself, you will not feel better and although I was "doing it", I didn't feel any better about myself. It didn't help that at that time I was being cyber bullied by a mean blogger and his few "followers." It was hard to realize that people were reading this blog like they would watch a soap opera, just to see what happens next. My pain, my struggles were amusing and even funny. I was pursued all over the Internet, every community which I belonged was tracked by this person and his "friends." Every post I wrote and picture I took was copied for his his personal use. It was SCARY. I went as far as to find out who he is (through a fellow blogger) and call the police. But during all this I did not give up nor did I let that negativity change my mind. I moved forward with the VSG surgery (NOT the band or bypass) even with being told I would fail, that I would chicken out, that I am not ready. Only the person doing it knows if they are ready. My heart and body was SCREAMING at me to get help. The binge monster was still in there and he was loudly protesting my changes and if I wanted to keep him away I would need help. I lost 50 pounds before surgery and the day I went in I was praying I would come out alive. Once I woke up, I was in hell. My entire body hurt so bad and the binge monster was STILL there only I could not eat ANYTHING to help. The entire first month was like this until the hunger chemical in my body left and then it was like the clouds parted. My mind was clear for the first time since I could remember. That was almost 4 months ago. (Surgery date March 21st) I still have to make good choices since this surgery allows you to eat anything you want. I am in control of me. The binge monster is is so small I have no problem pounding him to a pulp when I need too... :) This makes it much easier to make the right choices. I am still in physical therapy three times per week and counseling once per week. The surgery can't fix the internal voice that tells you you are not good enough. It doesn't fix low self esteem that brought you to this place. It can't teach you self acceptance, but damn it, it helps! :) Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. When you see your body change and you can see the extreme difference in your QUALITY of life, you mindset changes. I don't call myself fat pig every day like I used too. Now I say... "wow! Look what I can do now!" :) This past weekend I went BOATING and had a wonderful time. I love the boating pic of me because I had no idea my pic was being taken (my hubby was taking a pic of my baby who had fallen asleep) and I was smiling, looking out on the water enjoying my new life. It is a real moment. My life is full of real moments. ALL THE TIME. It took me almost 2 weeks to lose 2 pounds to get to the 100 and it didn't bother me a bit that I don't lose as fast as others because EVERY DAY I see changes. EVERY DAY I am trying something I haven't tried before and it feels GREAT~! I just want to say thanks to all of you who cheer me on and uplift me. THAT is what the weight loss blogging world should be about. PLEASE don't take part in anything that tears someone down or makes fun of how they are doing something. EVERYONE, even mean people deserve a happy life and hurting others doesn't help anyone get healthy or live their best life. Anyway, here are the pics. :) I still have a LONG way to go (about 85 pounds) but I am more than half way there and looking forward to the ride. :)

Below: boating on Sat Below: THE WALL... Notice, I am taking the pic from the OTHER side this time. That is my silver van in the distance where I SAT before after the lowest point in my life, watching everyone else down at the lake. (We went back to the scean of the crime this weekend, the same weekend I found out I had lost 100 pounds. :)

Below: Hi Wall! You look good from this side! :)
My beautiful view from the OTHER SIDE of the wall. I played in the water with my kids and had a great time!
I came, I saw, I CONQUERED! :) Here's to Life. :)

ONE MORE POUND TO GO!

261 as of today. ONE MORE POUND to my first goal of losing 100 pounds in 9 months! I have only lost 2 pounds in two weeks but I am FINE with that. I do so many new things each day! Yesterday we went out to dinner with our family that is visiting from Cali. I walked all around the area with them, never had to sit down, had a great time at dinner without obsessing about the food. Today I filled up my kids pool, swept the floor and I am about to mop. I cleaned up the counters, dried some clothes... SO NORMAL but I have not done any of that in YEARS! It was so cool to walk int he laundry room and throw in the clothes. Funny that something so small makes me want to cry. Anyway, I took this pic yesterday of my family walking. It was so awesome to watch them and be PART of everything they were doing. I will not lie, I want that 100 pounds, but I want LIFE more and it's the life moments that I need to celebrate. :)

I am a model!!!!

Ok, maybe not, but dang it, I look GOOD in this pic! Thank the good Lord, I like myself in a pic where I am not sitting, not hiding behind someone else, not looking up to hide chins, not angling to the side... Straight on me. Right in the middle with my hair blowing in the wind being the sexy girl I am... lol :) Ok, maybe that is too much. :) It feels good to feel good if that makes sense. I am 263, THREE pounds away from 100 lost. SLOW going, but I have non-scale-victories almost everyday that I can focus on. We had our annual 4th of July party and I played musical chairs! :) Then, when we went to the fireworks show, I walked a LOT, didn't need to stop and sit AND I CLIMBED A 4 foot FENCE! :) We were on our way to the fireworks and everyone was walking across the field as a shortcut. When I got up there, I didn't see an opening in the fence. I thought of going under, but I would get dirty and everyone around me was going over. so... I said... "screw it! Just try Lisa!" to myself and started over. I had help on the other side getting down, but by golly, I climbed the damn thing myself. I cooked for this years festivities WITHOUT a chair, stood the entire time, took tons of pics, had a great time. Amen for this choice I made. IT WAS THE RIGHT ONE FOR ME and since I am in a spunky mood, I would like to say BITE ME to everyone who talked crap, who expected me to fail, who said I would chicken out, who said I wasn't ready, who stalked me :), who put me down for being so open here with my struggles. My name is Lisa and I am REAL. I don't sugar coat, preach to people about what they should do, I don't bully people to try things my way, and I am changing my life. My name is Lisa and I am happy and PROUD of myself and all that I accomplished even BEFORE my surgery. My name is Lisa and I like who I am and what made me this way. :) I admit I am insecure. I feel pain when others don't like me. I have low self esteem that I am working on. I have a GREAT family and a few wonderful friends. I like my honesty. I hate mean people. I have a painful past. I am in charge of me and have a problem when I can't control my surroundings. I am a FOOD ADDICT. When you have been to hell, you appreciate everything much more than you would have had you never dealt with the darkness.

Below: my back yard. We had a dunk tank this year. :) Our party had 15 adults and 22 kids.

Below: that is me on the left. :)

Below: that is the fence I climbed. Doesn't look like much to most, but it was at least 4 feet tall and for a girl who this time last year could not walk more than a few steps, it might as well have been a 10 foot wall.

Don't look at this pic if you are eating! :)

Right after surgery my Dr. walked out and gave Eric two pics of my new "stomach." It is more of a line now, around it is my liver and yellow fat. I think it's cool to see what actually went on inside my body. It is pretty major surgery to remove most all of your stomach. These pics really send that home.

Rejection

Rejection is big for me. When I put myself out there and get slapped it hurts. I think it is made worse by low self esteem. Fat has given me a wall of safety in some ways because it can console me. When I no longer have food to help me feel better, I am left with the linger feelings of rejection that won't go away. This is one of the reasons I go to therapy to deal with how to process real feelings. Feelings that cannot be pushed down or quieted by massive amounts of food. I do know that I have never had any solid friendships in my life. I know I am not BFF material for most people. I still don't know why my hubby loves me the way he does. Shedding the protection of the binge wall forces me to look deeper in to the issues of feeling unworthy of genuine friendships. I can always accept people who are weird to most, or boring, or lying, or any "fault" that others have because if I don't, they are not my friend. I did this with friends and men. Never challenge anything, always come across as strong and aggressive. Keep up that wall, accept that they are not that good of a friend to me but I would still try because the other side of that meant not having friends at all. I STILL do this. I try to hard. I try to be everything I think others want me to be. I want to mold to what I think they want to keep them around. The truth is, being alone is starting to sound much better than pretending that someone who could care less about me is my friend. I am loving the exposure to feelings that my weight loss has caused. Painful or not, they can't be held back anymore and I have to learn to accept my faults head on. This journey is taking an emotional turn.

Why did it get this bad????????? (with pics)

This year June - 270's Last year June-360's (remember that pic)
Last year Nov - 350's

I was losing my hair, wheelchair bound, but STILL binged. Now, I am 7 pounds away from losing 100 pounds, my hair has grown, and I am NOT in a wheelchair for anything. But I often ask, WHY did I let myself get that way?

I go to physical therapy three times per week in order to re-learn basic human functions such as walking. Like I mentioned before, due to sleeping in a chair (because of apnea and back problems) my legs are VERY stiff and it's difficult to stand straight up and still impossible to lay down. Today I found out that my physical therapy request to have the therapy at a hospital closer to home was approved. (Very cool) But it caused me to once again ask myself how I let this get so far? Why didn't I stop or stick to a diet when I saw that everything around me was crumbling? Didn't it occur to me to stop when I realized I could not longer walk or sleep in a bed? What about that time when I spent our entire summer vacation in a wheelchair? Remember that pic from last year? Why was my need to binge more important than ANYTHING else including my own life or the quality of life for my family? Everyday was a "new day" where I was going to make a change. I would get on-line and read blogs for people who have lost weight or in the process and get inspiration. I would make my healthy breakfast and by lunch I was feeling very sure of myself. Then, the thoughts started. That "voice" I talked about. "You know what sounds good right now? If you just eat it for dinner you can start over first thing in the morning and no harm will be done..." By the time I went to bed I would be so stuffed I could not breathe without leaning back and would wake up vomiting in my sleep. I still don't have an answer for why I did those things. I know I was giving in to my addiction and for the life of me I can't understand what led me than kept me in that place when I would want with all my heart to stop. What I do know is that I never gave up on myself. I remember when my cyber bully was making fun of me and saying that I had already blogged for about 3 years and had never changed. I am sure I am not the only one that had blogged for so long and keep going right back to that place... BUT, people like me should realize why we kept blogging. I told the TRUTH about all the ugly secrets of my addiction in hopes that someone would read it and not let themselves go down that road. Also, I was not hiding my addiction in a dark corner to give it even more power. I opened myself to attacks, hate and ugliness that I can never explain, but I kept going. I read blogs now where people slip up but they don't stop blogging and they don't give up. That is the key and something that I and people like me should be proud of. NEVER giving up. Never saying that fat wins. Never letting that voice consume every last bit of hope. Although I am free from that voice now, I am dealing with the consequences of what I did for God knows how long. Maybe forever. If anyone is reading this, please don't give up. No matter how you choose to fight with weight loss programs, therapy, surgery, your own program, just keep trying. If something isn't working, try something else. Don't give up. I still have soooo long to go. I have the ability now to eat whatever I want but I make a daily choice not to eat things I shouldn't. I know I could go back to my old ways at the drop of a hat. I am still fighting and will have to fight for the rest of my life.

Crazy

I would describe my life since surgery as crazy. I feel like I am floating outside of myself watching a person I don't know. This person can walk, go places, eat normally, enjoy life with her kids and husband. Who is she? I want to be like her. Then, I suddenly realize she is ME! How did this happen? How did I get this life I have always wanted in just 3 months when I have been trying to live this way my entire life? What changed? Surgery. Medical intervention for a very serious food and binge eating addiction. Freedom from the voices in my head that command me to eat and binge. Once that voice was gone, it's like all the other beautiful things in my life became clearer. They had more color, more glow. Why didn't I do this sooner? Because I wasn't ready until now. My "bottom" happened in October 2011. I could not walk more than 3 steps, I was gasping for air. I was home bound. I was hospitalized because my dr thought it was my heart. Turns out EVERY SINGLE THING I HAD WRONG WITH ME WAS DUE TO OBESITY. I left the hospital that day grasping for life. I did not eat sweets or binge eat from that day forward and lost 50 pounds in 4 and a half months. THIS is what made me strong enough for surgery. The addiction was still loud at that point and begged me on a daily basis to give in. the addiction tried guilt, sadness, happiness, lies, anything to get me to break my abstinence. At the same time I was cyber bullied and I was feeling very overwhelmed with emotion. My addiction pleaded with me to binge so these feelings and worries would go away. I knew if I could stay strong enough to fight off it's voice, and find my own, I was ready for the extreme life change of surgery. The VSG seemed to good to be true. a surgery to remove your stomach, leave in about 10% that is shaped in a banana shape which will still function as a stomach would, no vitamin deficiency, no dumping syndrome, no slimming, no food is off limits and because the stomach part that was removed was the really stretchy part is gone, it is VERY hard to stretch it out. The real worry about weight gain comes from SWEETS and soda. The very things I taught myself to abstain from and won. I needed to know that I could make a lifetime commitment to me and the weight loss before my surgery gave me that confidence. I do think I could have still lost weight on my own, but the longer I went with this addiction in my head, it didn't seem to get quieter. I was ready for a forever change. Then after my surgery, the voice was louder than it's ever been. I think it was begging for it's life, but at this point I could not have saved it even if I wanted too. I have decided FOR ME that my addiction was so bad it had taken over my life. Every part of my soul started to panic because I knew it was dying. I couldn't save it. What had I done to this part of me that was always there for me to lift me up, to make me feel better, to be a best friend? Why did I do this? How was I going to be able to live life without it? My body shook, my head pounded, I was miserable. Hating every day. Then, one day, I knew... I was free. My body relaxed, my mind was clear. I was happy. I had won. I still think of my addiction as a person. A person that in a weird way, I was glad to have in my life because without it, I may have never gotten through some hard times. Allowing my addiction to take me to rock bottom is exactly what makes every minute I am living now extra special. I am so grateful for the smallest things in life like walking, being outside, being able to go to the store, hold my kids, go to their activities. I take nothing for granted and that makes for one happy woman. :) I am free. I am free to enjoy the natural ups and downs of life without an addiction. this surgery did what I could not do. It is quiet in my head except for the occasional voice that tells me to plan more things to do this week. :) My weekly calendar is full everyday. I am so grateful for life. I am grateful for all of you in the blogging world that have become my friends and who always encouraged me to keep trying. I am now 8 pounds away from losing 100 pounds and I can't wait to share that moment with you when it gets here and I know it WILL get here. :)

* I have to add that surgery is NOT the answer for everyone, but it was the right choice for me.

Above: My two sons and hubby went to cub scout camp last week. On the last night they had a family campfire where they did skits and cheers etc. I would have NEVER been able to do this last year. there was lot of walking and setting up chairs etc. I could not help but tear up as I sat there watching realizing all the moments I had missed for my kids up to this point, but then again happy for what I can do to help make up for that lost time. :)

(pic) 12 pounds away from 100 pounds lost!

50 pounds lost before surgery plus the 38 pounds I have lost in the 10 weeks since surgery = a happy me.

My life has changed so much in so many ways. My family is so happy. I am much happier. I am a part of life. My oldest son graduated from 5th grade last week and I was able to attend, stand for pics, walk around. It was awesome and I could tell he was happy. (At my highest weight I had to skip school events because I could not walk from the parking lot to the school door.) My husband's family is coming for a visit next month and I am busy planning away for all the things we can do once their here. My nieces are the same age as our older kids so we are planning a lot of kid friendly things like water parks etc. and I plan to be there! :) I am still going to physical therapy 3 times per week because I have to learn how to sleep in a bed again. (I was sleeping in a chair because I could not breathe and now my leg muscles are very stiff and I can't sleep in a laying down position.) I have been taking SHOWERS instead of baths. (I had to only take baths before because I could not stand long enough to take a shower.) I am still going to therapy because I need to deal with the issues that lead me to a binge eating disorder. I am so glad I used the tool of weight loss surgery to help control the health part of my life. Since I had the sleeve, I have only about 10% of my stomach left which is shaped in the form of a banana. The stretchy part of my stomach was removed so if I take even one bite more than I should it hurts. (I have only done that once. I didn't eat more than my measured portion, but I didn't yet know the signs of being full.) Also, the stomach is the part that produces the chemical that tells your brain you are hungry so without it I NEVER feel like eating. I still eat because I am all about doing what my Dr says and I follow the guidelines 100%. Once my physical therapist clears me, I will get a personal trainer. I can't believe I am actually looking forward to working out. :) When I first did this my recovery was so hard I was regretting it every minute. I was in so much pain, I was starving (the chemical had not left my body yet) and I was expecting to wake up from surgery and feel "fixed." I now know that all of that is part of the process and I am glad I am passed that stage. I feel ready for all the fun things coming up in our lives. I don't know if anyone will get this post, but in case someone does, I just want to give you an update and send out a thank you for caring.

80 pounds lost! :)

Yesterday I reached 30 pounds lost since surgery and 80 lost since my hospitalization in October. I feel GREAT. SO GLAD I DID THIS. I now find that eating is a chore. I have NO desire for food. I still can't wrap my mind around this on most days. I am so glad I didn't listen to those who said I was not ready or that I would be a failure. I am moving more and more each day. I take walks with my baby during the day to look at flowers. I am wearing clothes I almost threw away because it they were too small. Finally, today I got got on the scale and found that I am now out of the 280's! :) I have been enjoying life so much more now so I can't imagine how life will be the more weight I lose. We just had a failed adoption situation and I am taking it much better than I thought I would. For now, I am going to use the summer for my physical therapy and worry about adoption later. This is my time. :) (selfish huh?) My family is much happier now that I can participate in basically everything! I am really looking forward to our summer vacation this year. Thank you God for this surgery.278.9

I do have to add: this surgery is not the end all be all answer. You still have to control what you eat, have to exercise, take your meds, it is a tool and you have to make sure you are using it that way and not thinking it is the answer for everything. The fact that I am not obsessing about food makes it MUCH easier for me to make good choices.

I am doing much better - progress pics...

I don't know if anyone out there even checks this blog anymore, but here is the update. :)

Things I can do now...

1. walk

2. go to the store without a scooter OR a cart!

3. make plans with my family which INCLUDE me! :)

4. spend money. :) Being able to shop has a downside. It's so much fun!

5. my hubby says I don't snore anymore

6. do more things around the house

7. stand for longer periods of time

8. wear clothes I have not been able to wear in a while

9. I fit in the seats at the dr.s office

10. Being able to throw two middle fingers up to those who said I would not, could not, or should not get this surgery. :)

11. LAST BUT NOT LEAST.... I no longer use my fat chair!!!!!! For those of you who don't know, I used to roll around my house in an office chair. I did everything in this chair. Cook, go from one room to the next, sweep the floor, you name it. I have not used it ONCE since my surgery other than to sit here and type this to you at my desk which is where the office chair belongs! :) My kids no longer say, here's your chair mommy when I am getting up to make dinner.


I know I still have a long way to go. A LONG way to go. I can't really see a difference in the pics, but I can feel a difference in my body. I am grateful for the opportunity to live life. Do I think I could have done it on my own, still I say yes. BUt, I have NEVER been able to keep it off and by removing my stomach all the hunger and cravings are GONE so it makes eating healthy MUCH easier. Yesterday my son had his cub scout pack meeting (where they get awards) at a camp site. Hot dog roasting, walking from the parking lot to the site, getting up and down to take pics, watching my two year old... it was great! I have NEVER been to one of these because I was not able to walk from the parking area to the site. I was so happy to be there for my son. I didn't even have my hubby to help me because he was coaching my other son's baseball game. Yay me! I was able to enjoy 1/2 of a roasted hot dog (no bun) and 1 chip. I could have had more because I can eat up to 1/2 a cup for a meal and this was way less, but I didn't want to because I assumed the hot dog was not low cal. I ate 1 chip. I can eat more than that of baked chips, but why bother eating more if you are already satisfied? :) I was happy to be able to partake like everyone else, but on a MUCH smaller scale. lol It has been a joy to take part in life again. I am much happier now that I am on solid foods. I think a liquid diet for 5 weeks will make anyone crazy. These days I enjoy most normal things, I don't eat anything white like bread, rice, sugar etc. Those used to be my go-to foods and hard core cravings. I don't know if I mentioned it before but the DAY of my surgery I started "that time of month." Exactly one month later, I started again! Amazing for me.

There are some hard parts. I have been stalled for several weeks. I don't eat more than about 600 calories per day so I went to the nutritionist and the Dr. to see what is going on and they think my body is still in shock from this major surgery and because I have PCOS, my hormones are freaking out. I have started pool therapy three times per week which is a work out so I have to up my calories to 800 per day. I can't imagine I can eat that much so I am just trying to add liquid drinks like Atkins or slim fast. I eat at least 80 grams of protein per day. I am supposed to have 1/4 cup of protein and 1/4th cup of carbs for each meal. (1/2 cup total for 3 meals per day) 1/2 cup of food for most people is about 2 bites, but I cut up my food in to SMALL pieces so I can stretch it out or else I would always be the first one finished at the table. :) It is great to eat meals with my family again. All in all, I am glad I did this.

ok, I am trying a new way...

I am starting a new page somewhere else but I can only open it up to people I "know." If I know you, please send me your e-mail and the LINK to your FB page (in order to be able to confirm who you are) in the comments. I am putting the comment moderation on so no one will see your e-mail. For everyone I don't "know", and who is not willing to give me their real name and FB info, I will post an update monthly because it REALLY means a lot to me that you care. I am so grateful for your support and sad that a stalker has driven me to this. Love to you all. I am doing ok and my big appointment with the surgeon is tomorrow to see how much weight I have lost since surgery and when I can start pool rehab and add yogurt and unsweetened applesauce to my broth. Can't wait! lol Love, Lisa