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Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Not all rainbows and lollipops...

I think I need to add some balance here. Surgery for me was the most wonderful thing I could have ever done for myself. I have so many new moments. This morning I am 255. That is a 105 pound WL. 55 pounds since surgery 4 months ago. I am reaping the benefits now, but the beginning was more than hard. To start, the liquid diet before surgery was the WORST part. This is withdrawal for any food addict. Every sound, every voice, every gust of wind was like knives cutting me. Every thought was of food. Every dream, every thought, every wish. It was a HORRIBLE two weeks. I cried almost everyday. It really hit me how much I needed help. Then after the surgery, those same issues came up about three or four days after surgery. I was STARVING. The hunger chemical was still in my system (the stomach produces Ghrelin which tells your brain you are hungry. When the stomach is removed, you no longer produce Ghrelin.)

I could not eat and I could barely drink about 8 oz of water per day. I was in so much pain. I would not do anything. I needed my poor husband to take me to the bathroom and wipe me. It was a very low moment for me. I stayed that miserable for almost a month. Then, I started noticing I could do more and more. It's been like that ever since. Each new day brings a new thing I can do. Right after my surgery, I was having SERIOUS regrets. I missed food so much. I missed the relationship my mind had with food. I had no source of comfort, peace, happiness... In therapy I talked about my lack of coping skills without food. That first two months or so were hard mentally above all else. I was still in what I would call "withdrawal." Now, 4 months later EVERYTHING is different. I still get to enjoy food. I am "normal" now when it comes to food. I am never hungry and I eat very small portions, but even with those small portions I am completely full and satisfied which for me was something I never got from dieting. I have said this before... This surgery is NOT for everyone. I had lost control on so many levels and needed medical help. Doing this has also exposed me to some of the inside layers emotionally which in the past I could bury with food. I am just now starting to explore my grief from the lost of my Papa and Grammie. I am just now getting to the deep levels of shame I felt as a child as a result of getting molested. I told my therapist last week that I now feel like my issues are right under my skin, trying to get out and I don't feel ready to "see" them. In my mind, I still know that a binge would drive those issues back down "where they belong" but I no longer physically have that option so I have no other choice but to start addressing things as they surface. Anyway, I guess this post has lots of thoughts. Thanks for reading.

12 comments:

Christine said...

yup, I went through that...having those issues come up and not eating..that is the kicker. The weekend I did that was the hardest days of my life. I stayed in bed for four days and didn't eat, but did watch old movie clips and cry. But man, once you get past the emotional crap loading you down...Lisa, you think this eating thing is fabulous...just wait till you off load the emotional baggage. Light as a feather takes ona whole new meaning.

Sarah said...

I think it is important that you share how hard it was to go through this. If it was that easy everyone would run out and do it. You need to share your story because others might think it's easy to have this surgery. You went through hell before and after. People need to know that.

Sarah
notaneffingdiet.blogspot.com

Kim said...

You look so good. I'm sorry you had such a hard time but I'm glad things are getting better for you! Your recovery period sounds like it was especially brutal.

I had RNY 8 months ago. My surgeon only required a two day liquid diet pre-surgery, but even that was hard. My recovery was fairly easy peasy. Some pain, not too bad. The nausea kicked in about a month out after I'd started eating foods again. That lasted about a month.

Best of luck dealing with those emotional issues you mentioned. That must be hard. You're going to feel so much better once all this stuff is dealt with.

Congrats on your amazing weight loss! Keep going. :)

Beth said...

It takes great courage and strength to face your demons. Kudos to you for doing it. My prayers are with you as you go!

Lori said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this. I know it was hard for you to reveal this but it is vital for people to understand that there are real issues that must be dealt with. Just because you lose 100 pounds does not mean that life suddenly becomes wonderful. Sometimes it becomes a whole lot worse, at least for a little while, during the time those emotions that drove us to overeat are resolved.

I am so proud of you for not only losing the weight, but for being brave enough to be totally honest about the whole experience.
Lori

Carbie Girl said...

You just helped me realize something I've been trying to figure out the last few months. The realization of just HOW much one uses food in the wrong way is the start of the healing process. I've been through a lot of changes (good and bad) the last year that have changed me and have made me grow emotionally that suddenly staying away from food is no longer "hard" for me.. its the strangest feeling, but most definitely a welcome one! Surgery or no surgery, its a realization that all of us emotional and binge eaters need to find. Congrats on your success and enlightenment!! :0)

Stormy@Big Butt Theory said...

I appreciate your honesty. I am so happy for you also.

Sunny said...

I second what everyone else has said, and thank you for sharing. It helps all of us so much to hear your story, good and bad.

Katie J said...

As they say, you have to feel to heal. I have found this to be VERY true in my journey as well.

Shannon said...

You are such an inspiration to others. You are so strong, stronger than you realize. You will learn to deal with your emotions, it will take time, but hang in there. :) ((HUGS))

Lawgirl said...

I don't think that anyone thought it was all rainbows and sunshine for you. :D it's major surgery and that is always a difficult undertaking.

I am glad that you are sharing because I do think it's so important to show people the real before/during/after of this process. And it's good for you to get it out. :D

Love ya girl!

Angela/Pretty in Orange

Megan said...

I'm so happy for you. I followed your blog for a long time and then we lost touch when you went private. There were so many times that I wondered how you were and hoped the very best for you. I can't express my relief and gladness for you and your family that the surgery was a success and that you have your health back. Great work!!!!