How long will I feel like this?

Still waiting for this funk to pass.  Waiting for the hope to kick in.  I appreciate all the uplifting comments.  I wish I could leave some on your pages.  I read them, but I don't feel I have anything to offer as far as a comment.  What would I know about WL?  What kind of an idiot gets her stomach cut out yet STILL gains weight?  I feel like I am entering a really angry stage.  I am so angry at myself, my failed surgery, others... Just angry.  My story is the same old same old and no one wants to be bored with hearing about my fat.  I don't have anyone IRL who understands what it's like to live as an addict.  I think people would understand more if it were drugs or alcohol, but not food.  No one sees me engrossed in my addiction.  My affair with food takes place when I am alone.  hidden from judgement.  The problem is, my fat is a giveaway of my secret.  I have to walk around showing my personal flaws and weakness.  There is no hiding when you are literally wearing your addiction.  By wearing my "weakness" I am subject to almost daily "suggestions" of a super easy way to lose weight.  I smile and say thank you.  I am reminded 100 times per day that everyone just sees me as a fat, lazy loser and they have no idea what I go through in order to try and fight for my life.  I am sick of my own whining.  I would love to just snap out of it and start some new health kick.  I would love to be free of the horrible addiction that SCREAMs at me every night trying to get me to eat.  It's just me and "the voice" up all night fighting alone in the dark.  All I have ever known is being alone.  I can be surrounded by people and still feel alone because I have this "issue" I spend so much time trying to hide.  I don't have the first clue who I am without a food addiction.  It looks to me like I don't want to know.  I took such extreme measures to try to kill the beast yet I found a way to allow this to continue to run my life.  Every day I will "start tomorrow."  Every day I have a new reason why I can't give 100% that day.  Not enough health food in the house, an activity for church coming up that requires eating, someones birthday... All the while I am trying each night in between to hide my eating from my family.  No one EVER sees what I really eat.  There is almost a desperation when everyone is gone to eat as fast as I can and hide the evidence.  After every episode I am reminded that I am a failure. 

This addiction is lonely.  Really lonely.

Bottom Line...

We could not get enough money for the surgery.  I was going to get a loan from a family member and it didn't work out.  Instead, I am using that money to get healthy.  so far I have been to the endocrinologist, ENT and today a new therapist that specializes in food addiction.  I have an appointment for a back center and a new dr. to check for an autoimmune disorder next week.  I need to get healthy period, not just with my weight.  My Endocrinologist recommends MediFast due to my PCOS so it looks like I am joining Lyn and I am getting started on that.  So far I have lost only 9 pounds in 2 weeks, but at least that's something. I have not had any sugar AT ALL in 17 days.  Still have the cravings.  I'm sure that is in my mind and not my body.  I will not lie and say I am not still disappointed with not getting my revision, but I am ready to face this addiction as best I can.  Win or fail.  I also can't say I have faith in myself because I don't.  If history and stats tell me anything, I have a 97% chance of failure but that does not give me a ticket to give up.

Pick of the day... Enjoying my son's spring football game. 

Glad to be able to walk around enough to get there and enjoy the moment.

Copied from my FB page...

My surgery is off. I am so sorry for anyone who has offered to help next week etc. I am not happy about this. I am 90% sure I can't do this on my own. I have NO CHOICE but to try AGAIN. For the 10,000th time in my life. I am going to dig deep this week to try and find some hope. I am a food addict. Food addiction is real I hate when it's used as a joke by some skinny people who like to eat sweets or chips every now and again. It is all consuming. It destroys my body. It runs my schedule, takes up a ton of space in my mind and changes how I look at everything. I have so much to live for and so many goals for the future yet food has been a block wall keeping me from these things for so long. There is something I am trying medically in Dec/Jan (not something related to weight) that I cannot try unless I am able to lose 100 pounds in 9 months. I am open for prayer. :) Thanks for listening and supporting me. Sorry to bring my personal drama to FB, but I am a very open person and feel like if I am not "real" I am lying. I won't pretend to be happy and ready to tackle this head on. I don't feel that way. Right now I feel let down, sad, scared and angry that I am in this place. Jealous too. Jealous of people who are free from this addiction. People who move freely in this beautiful world. People who can plan their day by what they want to do and not how far they can walk due to their back. People who can run, ride bikes, dance, feel the sun on their face during a walk… I know everyone has their own problems but this one is mine. In the mean time, I am trying to focus on my beautiful family and pray for a solution that will enable me to be at my best for them and for myself. :( Excuse me if I am ticked off and in a bad mood for a week or so.

 

* I am not ready to talk about this.

9 more days til Revision surgery

Lord help me...  This liquid diet is making me CRAZY!!!!!!

Dee's Tips and Trivia...

Previous Questions –

~ Women outnumber men in the US.  What 4 states are women in the minority?

Alaska, Wyoming, Nevada, California

~ If two batches of chili will feed 9 people, how many batches should you make to feed 72 people?

16

~ What is the world’s most populous country beginning with the letter T?

Turkey with 62 million people

Tips –

~ Add a pinch of salt to the coffee in the basket of your coffeemaker.  This will improve the coffee’s flavor by helping to remove some of the acid taste.

~ Cut an orange in half, remove pulp, and fill with salt.  It will provide an aromatic scent.

~ To alleviate the discomfort of a sore throat, gargle several times a day with a mixture of ¼ teaspoon of salt in warm water.

Trivia –

~ Each red blood cell lives an average of 4 months and travels between the lungs and other tissues 75,000 times.

~ Arizona has official state neckwear – the bolo tie.

~ Because the freshness of French fries deteriorates so quickly, Burger King’s policy is to toss out fries that have been sitting for 7 minutes.

This date in history (March 1^st)

~ 1872 – Yellowstone becomes the 1^st National Park.

~ 1913 – Federal Income Tax takes effect.

~ 1961 – President Kennedy establishes the Peace Corp.

~ 1962 – K-Mart opens.

~ 1995 – Yahoo! was incorporated.

Questions –

~ How many sweat glands in the human body?

~ The Eagles had the #1 song on this date in 1975.  What was it? Sidebar-I’ve seen them in concert and they never sing this song. L

~ Who is Barbara Huffman?

Quote –

“Wonder rather than doubt is the root of all knowledge.”  Abraham Joshua Heschel

- Dee

In h-e-l-l

Once again... :(  Oh well, I have to keep telling myself why I am doing this...  On another note, I had to go to the hospital the other day because I have such bad pain on my right side.  I already had my gallbladder and appendix out so there is nothing left on that side.  They referred me to my surgeon so he can take a look in there while he is fixing my sleeve.  They think it is lesions on old scar tissue from a past surgery.  Oh joy.  Yep, only cranky posts from here on out...

Pic of the day...

My oldest son advanced a rank in Civil Air Patrol. 

We were able to go up front and "pin" him. 

Pre-op Liquid Diet starts tomorrow...

NOT looking forward to that but I have to do what I have to do.  Not feeling nervous YET.  Feeling more excited to finally have this fixed after almost 2 years.  My surgery is on the 12th.  My first sleeve was done on March 21st.  The roller-coaster begins tomorrow!

Very sick (pics + Tips & Trivia by Dee)

and my surgery has been rescheduled to March 12th.  Int he mean time, I am exhausted from all the parties... My youngest son turned 7, my middle daughter turned 4 and my oldest daughter got to have a party with her friends in the back yard for good grades.  I am WORN OUT but grateful I am physically able to do these things for my kids.

Below: My 4 year old's Princess Party... We had over 40 little princess friends. :)  We rented the Carousel and had a private party before the mall opened. :) 

 My little Princess is the on on the front horse wearing a gold Princess dress. 

Oh how I wish I could share her pics up close...

 Below... my oldest daughter's "hang out party" in the back yard with over 30 friends...

 Below... My son's 7th birthday party at Pump it Up.  They turned off the lights and made it a "glow-in-the-dark" party.  There were over 30 friends! 

Questions –

~ What was the Beatles 1^st US hit?

I Want to Hold your Hand

~ There are 2 billion people worldwide who have this disease and 2 million die from it every year.  What is it?

Tuberculosis

~ Irish legend has it that those who kiss the Blarney Stone will become skilled in what?

Flattery, Eloquence, Persuasion

Tips –

~ To pick up cat hair, put on a wet rubber dishwashing glove and wipe your hand over surfaces. 

~ A dab of foaming shaving cream can help remove many red-wine spills from carpets.

~ Speeding through chores – Time will fly if you listen to great music, and enlist your family’s help.

Trivia –

~ Ants stretch when they wake up.

~ 20% of China’s plants are used in medicine.

~ Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.

This date in history (February 8^th)

~ 1926 – Walt Disney Studios is formed.

~ 1952 – Queen Elizabeth ascended to the throne.

~ 1961 – Vince Neil was born.

~ 1965 – The Supremes released “Stop in the Name of Love.”

Questions –

~ On this date, Queen released their first hit single.  What was the title?  And it’s not We Are the Champions.

~ Which breed of dog has the best eyesight?

~ How many miles of lighted tubing are there in the signs on the strip in downtown Las Vegas.

Quote –

“We can’t help everyone, but everyone can help someone.”  Ronald Reagan

I hope all of you had a splendid weekend!

Dee

Even BIGGER changes... Geez

Copied this from my FB page... So my revision surgery is scheduled for Feb. 12th. (19 days from today)  My liquid diet starts in 5 days. So much has happened in the past few days to lead me to this decision. Basically, we were going to try to work the fertility issue but I keep gaining more and more weight. If I don't fix this now, it's only a short hop to going back to the miserable quality of life I had 2 years ago. My husband and kids deserve better than that. I deserve better than that. I can't let my heart make the choices.  My mind knows I would be no good to anyone if I can't get this weight under control for good.  I will post the exact name of the surgery in a couple of days.  It's some weird long name so I have to call and ask the Dr. what it's called. (It's called something because apparently it is done on quite a few patients who lose their restriction or never had any to begin with.  one size does NOT fit all and some sleeves need to be smaller than others.) They will fix the scar tissue growth then take my sleeve and fold BOTh sides making it VERY restrictive.  Please pray for me! I am a little scared but happy with this decision to take back my life. Again. I hope you can support me. I am a food addict. I CANNOT do this without fixing this surgery. I just can't. Looks like this roller coaster begins again.  And I'm almost sure I will blog about it. :)

Big Changes

I'm not sure if I am going to blog about it.  I need to examine my reason for blogging in the first place.  I'm not sure I want to open myself up to the horrible people out there, but I love the wonderful people I find.  I also need to figure out if I am doing it just for attention or validation.  Anyway, I will not be getting my revision for a while because I have decided to go on Medifast.  I have to say, I don't agree with Medifast as a long term way to keep weight off (great for you if you have maintained for a couple of years after your WL with Medifast but I have yet to meet anyone who has) but I need a way to get back down to my lowest weight pretty fast.  Because... (and if for some reason anyone I know in real life is reading this, PLEASe don't mention it to anyone) this summer we are trying IVF.  Yep.  After 7 years of not trying anything, we are going directly for the big guns.  This is a one time shot.  We can only afford to try it once (can't really afford that either) and if it doesn't work, it doesn't work.  Here's the kicker... I won't do it unless I lose 60 pounds.  I need to make sure I am at a healthy place in order to make that kind of emotional and financial investment.  Who knows if it will work, but I will know I tried.  Why am I doing this?  Because I want to know what it's like to be pg.  A turning point for me was a church activity where the only thing talked about at the table for an entire hour and a half was being pg.  I was not able to say but 3 words the entire night.  I tried to leave the table several times to see if when I came back they would move past that subject, but no.  It was so painful.  Everyone there knew I was infertile but they continued to talk about the ONE thing in life I could not relate too and something they knew was so painful for me.  I know it wasn't done in a mean way and it is NOT their issue, it's mine.  Anyway, we are NOT interested in having bio children.  It's hard to explain unless you have adopted, but you honestly love your kids just as much if not more because you know the true miracle of what it took for them to come to your family.  I would NEVER trade my kids not even for 15,000 pg-cs.  I just want to be pg.  We may use a donor egg, donor sperm, whatever.  The Dr. said I was healthy enough to try it now, but I feel deep in my heart I have to lose this weight first so that's where the Medifast comes in.  I have tried the food.  It sucks.  Bland, gross... but there is nothing in the world I would not do for 6 months if it meant I had a better change of getting/staying pg.  It's been 10 years of peeing on a stick every month, waiting for a second line to appear.  Sometimes seeing it, sometimes not.  Dr. appt.s and blood tests that confirm a pg-c and then follow up appts. that say I'm not.  Holding a pee test up to the light to triple check that there really isn't a line.  Going back to look at it 400 times just in case it pops up later... It's really too much.  If I try this and it doesn't work, I will be cool because I will know when i am 80 that I tried.  I have such a great family... wonderful husband and great kids... I am REALLY Ok if it doesn't work.  I am willing to pay the price for my piece of mind.  If it does work, I might actually be part of the club.  the part that knows what it's like to feel a baby move in their tummy... that goes to the dr.'s appt.s because you made the appt and not because you begged someone else to let you go with them... the swollen ankles, the throwing up, all of it.  Every little bit.  I DON'T look forward to starting Medifast tomorrow.  I don't have the typical "new diet excitement" and "I know this is the THINg that will work for me" type crap.  What I do know is I was at the point where I had to decide if it was getting the revision or getting IFV.  Choosing IVF meant choosing the hardest path to short-term weight loss.  I still can't go over 800 calories per day if I want to lose.  I am ready for the starving.  I am ready for the headaches, I am ready to fight the good fight to achieve this goal.  I did learn I can't think long term about my weight loss.  I am an addict.  When I think long term, it seems to hard and I give up.  I have to think day to day.  Whatever... Here's to New Year's goals.  

One of the darkest days in US history - I'm out

There are people whose kids are NOT coming home from school EVER again.  I don't really give a crap about weight loss, or anything else so stupid compared to their pain.  Just too much in this world is so evil.  I have seen it first hand with this blog.  Evil, sick, demented stalkers who are capable of almost anything.  You never know about people in this world.  The lowest form of life is someone that would hurt and KILL a little baby.  He walked in to a school and killed a class of kindergartners??!!!  Sorry if I don't give a sh!t about your weigh-in today.  I really hope for the best with everyone out there in Internet land, but I can't see the point of all this "look at me" stuff when there is so much that is going on in the world.  (I'm sooo guilty of using this forum for validation) I am so glad I have met a handful of great people here who WILL be my true friends forever.  I really appreciate all the love and support from the sane group of you who are so giving and caring and have left some GREAT comments when I needed a friend or support. I need a break.  Really.  Not a fake one that people post about then they are back in 2 days because they need the attention.  Peace Out.

AAAHHH! I don't know why I do this to myself... so I guess I do have something to blog about...

My mom and her husband are coming for Christmas.  They used to call me "two tons" as a nickname when I was in high school and beyond.  I can't express enough the level of anxiety I have over their visit.  I feel that all they will notice was that my WLS was a "failure."  I feel like a failure enough as it is without a reminder.  So... not that it will help, but I am going on a liquid diet for the next 14 days until they arrive in order to feel like I will at least lose some bloat.  It may not help at all but maybe it will help me feel more in control?  I am scared.  Scared of being stared at, looked down upon.  I LOVE Christmas and I'm sure they will not say anything to my face, but what is said behind my back to other family members always gets back to me.  I hate being a fat failure.  I hate that I am stuck.  I hate that I have yet to have the Christmas card pic without a fat face.  Oh man.  So much for a Merry Christmas. :(  I just have to keep reminding myself all that I have to be grateful for and play that over and over in my head. 

On a happier note, here is my house all lit up...

 Last weekend we were able to go to the downtown Christmas parade where the parking was a long distance from the street, but I made it just fine thanks to my surgery.

 Today is also my 9th wedding anniversary so I will bore you with some wedding pics... :)  I am sad when I see how fat I was.  I could hardly stand.  My husband had to hold my hands during the ceremony so I would not fall because my back hurt so bad.  It's kinda painful to look at these pics, but I am sooo grateful to have a husband that loves me for me.  Fat, infertility, medical issues, strokes, ALL before he married me.  At least I know he didn't marry me for my looks. :)

 Dee that does the "Dee's Tips and Trivia" is the red head in the middle. :)

Quick peek at our Christmas tree... :)

Before...

 After...

I hope everyone is enjoying the season!

Dee's Tips and Trivia...

Previous Questions –

~ In 1914, President Wilson denounced what material object as a symbol of “the arrogance of wealth”

Automobile

~ Which country leads the world in the mining and production of silver?

Mexico

~ What university did Bill Gates drop out of?

Harvard

Tips –

~ Add a capful of hair cream rinse to the final rinse water when washing sweaters.

~ Spray children’s drawings and artwork with hairspray to keep colors from fading and smudging.

~ Righty tighty, lefty loosey.

Trivia –

~ Intelligent people have more copper in their hair.

~ The average number of people airborne over the US in any given hour is 61,000.

~ In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.  When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.  Hence, the phrase…”Good night, sleep tight.”

This date in history (November 30^th)

~ 1782 – The US and Britain signed the preliminary peace articles in Paris, ending the Revolutionary War.

~ 1835 – Samuel Clemens was born.

~ 1940 – Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz were married.

~ 1982 – Thriller was released.  Can you believe it’s been 30 years?

~ 2004 – Ken Jennings streak of 74 wins on Jeopardy came to an end.

Questions –

~ What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?

~ What is the most popular boat name?

~ It developed in the early 1970’s simply as a form of exercise.  In 1981 it became a competitive sport for individuals and groups.  What is it called?

Quote –

“To get ahead and stay ahead, use your head.”

Enjoy your weekend!

Dee

BORED with Weight Loss - new pic of me

I'm so over it.  I don't have much to update.  I guess I will update here when I have my revision which will be in a few months.  In the mean time, I am living my life.  Not gaining, not losing, NOT OBESESSING over weight.  I am living.  I hope you all are doing the same. :) 

Happy Belated Thanksgiving.

Below: My home filled with love and laughter for Thanskgiving... :)

 Below: me after our family pics

Sorry

Lately I'm just to dang busy to post here or read blogs.  I am too busy living my life.  What a blessing huh? :)  Here's a few pics of my sweet baby's first birthday party! :)

Below: Election Party at my friend's house...

My baby got tubes in her ears yesterday...

Dee's Tips and Trivia

Previous Questions –

~ What is an entrepot?

A warehouse

~ What is a geep?

A cross between a goat and a sheep

~ What is the most recorded song in history with over 2,500 cover versions?

Yesterday

Tips –

~ Use a staple remover when trying to add things to your key ring.

~ Place a couple of rubber bands around an open paint can to wipe your brush on and keep paint off the side of the can.

~ Cut toilet paper rolls and use as a cuff to save your wrapping paper (visual below).

			Cut

 

Trivia –

~ The word “peach” was once used as a slang term for informing against or betraying an accomplice.

~ The male name Andrew is from the Greek word for “manly.”

~ The 1960s phrase “flower power” was coined by Beat Generation poet Allen Ginsberg.  I remember it well. J

This date in history (October 19^th)

~ 1765 – The Stamp Act Congress met and drew up a declaration of rights and liberties.

~ 1933 – Basketball was introduced to the 1936 Olympics.

~ 1983 – The US Senate approved a bill establishing a national holiday in honor of Martin Luther King, Jr.

~ 1985 – The first Blockbuster store opens.

~ 1985 – Take On Me was #1.

Questions –

~ Who sang Take On Me?

~ Who is Todd Jones?

~ How many states border an ocean?

Quote –

“Never part without loving words to think of during your absence.  It may be that you will not meet again in this life.”  Jean Paul Richter

I hope all of you have a splendid week!

Dee