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Thursday, December 6, 2012

AAAHHH! I don't know why I do this to myself... so I guess I do have something to blog about...

My mom and her husband are coming for Christmas.  They used to call me "two tons" as a nickname when I was in high school and beyond.  I can't express enough the level of anxiety I have over their visit.  I feel that all they will notice was that my WLS was a "failure."  I feel like a failure enough as it is without a reminder.  So... not that it will help, but I am going on a liquid diet for the next 14 days until they arrive in order to feel like I will at least lose some bloat.  It may not help at all but maybe it will help me feel more in control?  I am scared.  Scared of being stared at, looked down upon.  I LOVE Christmas and I'm sure they will not say anything to my face, but what is said behind my back to other family members always gets back to me.  I hate being a fat failure.  I hate that I am stuck.  I hate that I have yet to have the Christmas card pic without a fat face.  Oh man.  So much for a Merry Christmas. :(  I just have to keep reminding myself all that I have to be grateful for and play that over and over in my head. 
On a happier note, here is my house all lit up...
 Last weekend we were able to go to the downtown Christmas parade where the parking was a long distance from the street, but I made it just fine thanks to my surgery.
 Today is also my 9th wedding anniversary so I will bore you with some wedding pics... :)  I am sad when I see how fat I was.  I could hardly stand.  My husband had to hold my hands during the ceremony so I would not fall because my back hurt so bad.  It's kinda painful to look at these pics, but I am sooo grateful to have a husband that loves me for me.  Fat, infertility, medical issues, strokes, ALL before he married me.  At least I know he didn't marry me for my looks. :)
 Dee that does the "Dee's Tips and Trivia" is the red head in the middle. :)


Christine said...

Lisa, I couldn't even look at your pictures because I was scrolling to get to your comment box. Sister in Christ, I realize I have been repeating myself ad infinitum for years now...but I think it's time you love yourself. Screw what anyone else thinks...if you can look at your life, at all you have and all you have contributed and still define yourself by the number on the scale...then the failure is in your head..and will never leave, no matter if you ever reach some mythical mystical magical number you think will make you worthwhile.You were worthwhile, and beautiful and endlessly precious before you were ever conceived in your mother's womb..and every minute of every day since, you have done nothing but add beauty and grace and love to the world around you.
So whatever your 'mother' may say..your heavenly father has said differently...and if you must take anything to heart...take his words to your heart. You were planned from the foundations of the earth, and in his infinite wisdom he created Lisa. Don't denigrate what God has consecrated. Love yourself, because you are loved. Cherish yourself, because you are cherished...and let the naysayers speak to the wind..because deep down, you KNOW God's truth.

paceyourselfgirl said...

This is by far the best comment I have ever read on any blog anywhere. Everyone needs a friend like this. I'm new to your blog and had to tell you that if you hadn't mentioned the weight issues or surgery, I never would have known you had a weight problem by looking at the pictures. You are absolutely gorgeous. --Tracy