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Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Bi-polar post!

I am sad, yet happy today. Let's start with why I am sad. I feel like a failure because I need a revision. I know it wasn't my fault that the extra tissue grew, but I still feel like I've failed when I see how much others have lost who were sleeved the same time I was. I pictured myself much farther than I am now. Also, I feel like I am "dieting" again because I have NO restriction yet I have to eat under 1000 calories per day or I will gain weight. I am proud of myself for having the willpower, but it's not fun and the entire reason I got the surgery is so I would not have to go through that anymore. I went so long with restriction then basically woke up one day and it was gone. I am trying to find out why. The PA at the surgeons office is going to call me to go over some things before my appt in the 26th. I am glad they want to help me find the answer to why this happened before I do it again and the same thing happens. On the flip side, I feel like the dr wants me to revise to the bypass. This is fine for some people but because of medications I have to take for the rest of my life, having a bypass could cause major issues since the bypass comes with so many malabsorbtion problems. I know I will NOT revise to the bypass. On another note, I know I will be bashed for this by some, but the infertility issues I left behind long ago have come back full force. More than full force. I haven't felt like this since we had NO KIDS and we were ttc #1. FIVE kids later you would think I would not care and honestly, I have NO interest in having a biological child. I can speak from experience that there is NO DIFFERENCE in the love you feel for children who are adopted. They melt your heart and take your breath away just the same. :) So what is my issue? I want to know what it's like to stay pg. I want to rub my hand over my belly and feel life instead of a fat roll. I want to have the experience of not including social workers and courts in our quest to be parents. They are selfish reasons, but that doesn't stop my mind from going there. I want it all. The thing is, I have it all expect the pg-c experience and that's what matters. I am a mother, I am becoming all I wanted to be, slowly. :) What matters is the little faces I kiss and love everyday. So knowing all of this, why do I feel so barren? So broken? I think maybe my view of "failing" with my surgery reminds me that I have a broken body that was permanently damaged by my weight, binge eating, etc. I have to live with what I have caused forever. The heart damage, the back disability, the hip & knee problems, the infertility, all of it. I lost it all too food addiction. It's powerful to write that. Addiction steals your life. Giving in to that one cookie one time doesn't seem like a big deal, but when you KNOW it is a trigger food for you, you are allowing your food compulsions to take over your life. It takes that one moment, that one second in time to hand your life over to food. to lose what's left of your control. I can't believe I did that my entire life.

I said this was a bi-polar post because at the same time, I look at all these negative things and and I grateful. I am grateful for the kids I have and I know I would not have had them if I was popping out babies. I am grateful for walking in a way most people don't understand. To be almost 100% immobile to being free to go where you want, when you want is nothing short of a miracle. I owe that to my surgery. The freedom to walk around my house with a baby on my hip is glorious. I feel like a "real" mommy to my deserving kids. To be able to go on a date with my husband, to walk and have him hold my hand is beautiful. Again, I would not know these things if it weren't for my surgery. So, to wrap up this bi-polar post, I failed at my surgery, yet love it. I am incomplete, yet complete in all the ways that matter. I can't get pg, but I am a mommy. :) I have disabled my body yet I can move through the world on my own. I haven't reached my Wl goal, but my "quality of life goals" are on track and more. I choose to look at the positives because focusing on the other stuff only brings me down. My life is full of miracles. The more I focus on that, the more miracles I can see. :)


Sunny said...

I think everyone has those days. Most people chose to ignore one side or the other, either pretending to be happy all the time, or getting lost in the sadness, both of which don't let you live life to the fullest. I think it is a real sign of progress and maturity for you to allow yourself to feel and acknowledge both sides of life. Its okay to celebrate the wonderful things and still be sad about the things that don't work out the way you would have wished.

Amanda said...

I think it's good to see all sides of your situation... and you do!

You'll make the right decision regarding the revision. Look at your goals, and move forward accordingly. Best of wishes, and hang in there!!

Sheila said...

Hugs Lisa. Hugs.

I'm sure the thought of a revision is scary and daunting, please, please, please do your own research and figure out what is going to be best for you. And maybe even get a second opinion. This is YOUR body, and while you need the guidance of a medical professional, please explore all your options before moving forward with a revision.

Sarah said...

Wow, that was a bipolar post! But....my brain does the same thing when I sit and think. I think of upsetting things and things that I'm thankful for. I'm all over the place some days too.

I wish I had some magical advice or the right thing to tell you about your revision surgery options, but I'm at a loss. Keep us all updated. I'm sure you will do exactly what is right for you.