Kind of a step Back :(

I am going to have to start sleeping in "the chair" again at least a few days per week because my back pain is sooo bad. It feels like someone is taking an axe to my lower back just to roll over. My medical ins. changed so my PT went from no co-pay to $50 PER VISIT! Can't afford that so I am going back in two weeks to try and get an "at-home" type of program. In many ways by back disability is a double edged sword. If I could walk, sleep in a bed, take care of myself at 360 pounds, would I have gotten my surgery? I don't think so. Honestly, my food addiction is so real that even the threat of losing my life wasn't enough for me to stop. It took my back making me home bound from the pain and pressure of all the fat that sent me to the place where I knew I would end up like that mom in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape" if I didn't get help. I am grateful for my back problems for that reason, but living in so much pain all the time can take it's toll. It's all the more reason to try to get the scale moving in a downward direction again in order to relieve some of the pressure. I have my appt in Jan. with the surgeon to go over my options. If I am part of the 1% freak show of scare tissue gone crazy, then what are my chances of that happening again? Who knows. for now I am still functioning in "grateful mode." :)

Wow (Christmas pics included)

I had an amazing Christmas. What a joy and wonder it is to be able to participate in life. What a true blessing. For Christmas Eve we had over 30 people here. I was able to do EVERYTHING without a chair! :) Awesome. It doesn't stop here. :) I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and please have a safe New Year!

Below: our tree right after Santa came :)

Below: Our kitchen...

Stairs...

Entry way...

piano...

Living room from formal dining room...

Choc. Chip pancakes I made for breakfast before the kids came down... (Nope, I didn't eat any)

The kids coming down and seeing that Santa ate the cookies, drank the milk and wipped his feet from the fireplace on the paper towel... :)

So excited... :)

Paper fight after the un-wrapping! :)

Our "Wall of Love" where we place all our Christmas cards. :)...

Sexy Santa pic!

NOT! lol But maybe one day... lol In the mean time I have to settle for this...

Taken by my older son during our annual "Operation Cookie Drop." My kids LOVe this tradition and this year I went up to some doors too instead of watching it all from the car the ENTIRE time. Awesome. Yes, we made cookies. Lots and lots of them. I will NEVER take away fun holiday traditions due to my food issues. Food has taken over my life enough without those around me having to give up more and more. We make about 200 cookies, all kinds, then pack them up and "drop" them off to friends and neighbors. I keep a few for our own cookie jar. I find it funny that my weight loss surgery makes my cookie tradition more fun. lol Without it, I would not have been able to enjoy going up to the door, seeing the smiles on friends faces, hear my kids saying "Merry Christmas," all of it. I love my sleeve. I am grateful for traditions, even the ones with food. I will host about 30 people at my house for Christmas Eve. NONE of whom are overweight except me. I will offer all the goodies and they will bring goodies of their own. We will enjoy this day with NO thought to food. No thought to binges. I understand most people try to go in to it with plans of what to eat, bringing their own healthy stuff etc., but I for me the obsession about dieting takes away just as much fun as the being fat in the first place part. I choose to ignore foods power over me. I choose to enjoy friends and family, the miracle of Christmas. I will not obsess about calories, portions, the food table etc. Relax and enjoy your holidays folks. It's the dark of night after the guests leave, when the leftovers are calling my name which is the dangerous part. My solution? I buy HUGE cake pans and give them to each family to bring home leftovers. By the time they have all filled up their pans, there is not much left but maybe enough for my own family to pick on the next day. Good solution for all. My family still gets leftovers but there are not enough for me to eat yet still have enough for the family the next day. Not enough for me to hide a binge because there is so much food no one can tell how much is missing. Not enough for me to binge night after night until New Years because "I am starting fresh Jan 1st! This is the year!" Yep. Been there done ALL that. Food is NOT my focus of 2012. HEALTH is my focus. Dieting can be just as much an obsession as food addiction and it leads to the same place 97% of the time. Jump off the hamster wheel.

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Wow - I tried something new! :)

Let me start by saying I HATE HATE HATE shakes that I have to make because I am too busy. I like to open it and drink it. Period. I have been using Premier Protein shakes from Costco for 8 months now. I like them, but I'm bored. So, I tried something new. I have two months worth so even if I hated it I had to use it. lol I admit it was cool to use the little blender thingy I've had since before my surgery. :) To sum it up... it's no milkshake but it's good! I added half a carbmaster yogurt to make it creamy and yum! I added a handful of ice and about 8 oz of water, but it could have been more water. I didn't measure. By the end of the blending I had almost 20 oz. 150 calories from the shake, 30 from the half yogurt. 7 carbs and 27 grams of protein. I will have the same thing for lunch. I think tomorrow I will add Crystal light instead of pure water to really give it a punch.

Food addiction is SOOO real!!!!!

Not for everyone, but for those that are full blown addicts like me, we have to realize that we will NEVER get to that place to ever really be "free" from addiction. So many food addicts replace their food addictions after surgery with other things, or if you have not had surgery you lose weight but still obsess over EVERY meal and plan it out ALL DAY LONG in your mind. When I used to look at "skinny" girls I would think, I can't wait to look like that and feel great! I would imagine that all my food issues would be gone once I hit my goal weight. "Once I hit my goal weight I will do x,y & z" etc... I was laughing at myself last night because you know you are still a full-blown food addict when you look forward to eating your chewable milti vitamin because the taste resembles candy. :) I have no idea what state I would be in today if I had not had my surgery to help me "manage" my addiction, but it's so important that I spread the message that surgery, dieting, a new "weight loss program" will NEVER "cure" you of a food addiction. Just like other addictions, you can live in recovery, but you have to face the addiction most everyday and be willing to say "no" to your former best friend each time it wants to "get back together." Don't get me wrong, there are days where I feel free, there are days where I regret my surgery because it keeps me away from my besting friend Binging. BUT, most days are filled with appreciation for LIFE. No matter what plan you use to try and get healthy, the goal is LIFE. Not a certain weight on the scale, not a clothing size, but the ability to live life to it's fullest and most sincere. I hope with the new year we all don't bogg ourselves down with resolutions that only highlight our failures days or months later, but we commit any day of the year to try to live our lives to the best of our abilities. I still need to learn this. I still need to work on this in more ways than just managing my addiction. I need to re-learn how I see myself. I need to stop calling myself ugly when my face breaks out or when I catch a look at my hanging skin in the mirror. I need to tell myself that my hair isn't straw and that everyone at church looks better than me. I need to stop looking around a room to see if I'm the fattest one EVERYWHERE I go. Too late to make a long story short, but I chose right now to make a good choice. I am going to get off the computer and be productive. :)

For your viewing pleasure, here is our Christmas tree this year... :)

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE! :) - pic of this little person... :)

I had an awesome weekend. I watched my older son's school choir sign at the mall then he and my older daughter had an ice skate party with other school kids. This mall is awesome and the ice skate rink is right there in the mall so we spent a LONg day there with the little kids visiting Santa as the older kids were skating, then the performance... And I was WALKING around ALL day and it was GREAT! I have to keep reminding myself that even if I never lose another pound, I am sooooo grateful to be walking. It's amazing. Of the food front, my new "shakes" came in the mail so I am going to try these instead of the Costco brand to see if they keep me fuller-longer. I have an appt with the surgeon after the 1st of the year to get my options for a revision surgery based on what the tissue does during this "mostly" liquid phase. Whatever. I am so happy with what I have already, anything else is icing on the cake. My real challenge is still my back. I can't express how painful it is to lay down or try and get out of bed and I have to do that several times a night with the baby. :) My ins. changed and started all over so I can't afford the $75 per visit co-pay to go to PT three times per week. We will have to make it once per month and the PT will give me mostly a home plan. :( It's still better than nothing.