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Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Food addiction triggers? Is that real or another BS excuse to eat?

In light of all the drama about Whitney Houston dying from drugs and alcohol, I am once again thinking about addiction. I hear a lot of people say they are not surprised because she was a mess. The think about food addicts is that some people look at morbidly obese people and think they are fat because they love to eat. They don't consider them "addicts." Most morbidly obese people thing they can lose weight on their own and they are one good diet and more will power away from taking control of their lives. Nice thought. A lot of drug addict thinks that every time they use is the last time and they will go cold turkey off drugs... AFTER this LAST time. I will never eat sugar again starting TOMORROW and tonight is my last time so I am going to eat this entire cake and get sugar all day since I have to eat it while I can... Yep... I am not sure I see the difference. Because we (and by "we" I mean food addicts like ME) are not selling our bodies on the street for money to "use" that night, but we take the chance with our lives, we lie, justify, rationalize, hurt ourselves, hurt others around us, obsess just as your average drug addict. Our minds are sick but we keep trying "diets" to "fix" the problem. We try surgery, the web, BLOGS :)... but really, like other addicts we need treatment. Therapy, counseling, medical intervention, 12 steps, prayer, surrender... just like other addicts.

Are certain foods triggers? Maybe, but eating at all is a trigger for those who binge. I can obsess over fruit the same as I can over chocolate. Waking up and obsessing about what "healthy" food I can eat that day is still feeding my addiction. It's the lesser of two evils to engage in obsessive behavior with healthy food as opposed to "bad" food, but the addiction is still there. It still tries to inch it's way in to my thoughts and actions. once I think that weight loss, diets, surgery are the cures to addiction, that's when I have failed. That's when I have given up on myself. That's when I open the window so far the addiction takes over the house. I guess what Ia m saying is that to deny the reality of food addiction is dangerous. To think we have it under control without treatment is not a long term solution even if it works temporarily. I need to make sure I am still facing the REAL issue. the REASON why I got so big. The REASON why no matter what surgery I do, it will not fix things forever if the underlined problem is not addressed in an ON-GOING manner. It funny, my therapist called today to set up our next appt. and I remember thinking, oh, another appt. Oh yay. I should be thinking... "Yes! Another appt! I need this! I deserve this! I am grateful to go to another appt." I don't know what the point of this post is tonight, but I have addiction on the brain. I have started the negative self talk again because today I saw myself in the mirror and said to myself.... "wow, you are ugly." I am feeling like I want to hide away so people can't see me. I feel like I am 360 pounds again. Weird how the mind works. This tells me it's time for more things to come to the surface in therapy. I always feel a "doom" feeling when I have to many feelings if that makes any sense. I don't like that I can't binge to take it away. It's hard to know ugly feelings are coming and I can't use food to stop it. It's scary. I am having grief feelings about my Papa and Grammie a LOT lately. I am having LOW self esteem issues, feelings of being dumb and mostly embarrassment for being ugly compared to those around me. I often wonder what my true addiction is. Do I obsess about food to take away brain space so I don't think about other things? Do I have these feelings because I hate myself for obsessing about food? This is a lifelong journey. Sorry to ramble tonight. Thanks for reading.


Mrs Swan said...

It's interesting you post this topic as I mentioned my drug of choice today in a post. Sugar

Kelliann said...

I have previously struggled with the idea of whether my addiction is "real", but many studies have proven that substances, like sugar, have a similar effect on brain and body chemicals as heroin and cocaine. There are also studies that show that food addicts, or compulsive overeaters have much more activity in the frotal lobe of the brain when they eat than non-addicts.
I have researched this a lot because I was afraid I was making an excuse. But, the fact is, the only worry you need to have is what action you take against it. Finding what works for you in keeping you out of the obsession. Yes, I am powerless against food - but I need to always take responsibility for eating that food or not.
That's just the way I personally see it.
I know exactly how you feel... the obsession is exhausting. Seek out a program that will help you. It is making the world of difference for me.

Sunny said...

I am so glad you are seeing the negative feelings come out. The only way to get past them is to move through them. A book I read a long time ago and LOVED is called Feelings Buried Alive Never Die. It made such a difference in my life. You should check it out. I need to go back and reread it. I love reading your blog and you are doing terrific! This is just the next step in your journey.

If Only She Were Thinner said...

You are not the only one who feels this way. Often times addicts give up one addiction for another. I was addicted to food and have learned to say no to it when I know I am not hungry and don't need it. I think I turned to food for comfort because it was always there for me and always made me feel better regardless of it being healthy or not. Once I wrapped my head around the fact that the only one who can make me happy is ME and not food, or clothing, or my previous co-dependency on others, this incredible weight lifted and I felt a huge sense of freedom and I started to regain my self-confidence. My relationship with food (as well as clothing, purses, craft supplies - basically anything I could purchase to give me an instant gratification) has changed because of this new mindset. Addiction is a HARD habit to break and I think food addiction is one of the hardest. You are a beautiful person inside and out. No one is stronger than the person who believes in themself and their ability to accomplish their goal (regardless of what that goal may be).

Crazymamaof6 said...

Comparison is the thief of Joy.

don't compare yourself to others. you are beautiful.

i've been lurking for awhile, my friend sent me the link to your blog a few months ago, i was looking into DS surgery but my insurance has an exclusion so now i will have to suck it up and do it the hard way.

anyway. hugs! you can do this.

susan said...

Good thoughts.
Retraining the mind is no easy task ... being self-aware is admirable. Keep it up! :)

Lyn said...

I just wanted to say, you are beautiful.

Linda Sherwood said...

Your post reminds me of something my dad said and did. He was a drinker, a smoker and an overeater. He quit drinking and smoking cold turkey and never went back.

He continued to struggle with eating because he couldn't quit it cold turkey.

Not being able to quit eating completely when it has been an addictive behavior makes the issues involved so much more serious.

Dea said...

Have you ever read the following two blogs: I have found them very interesting.

www.canyoustayfordinner.com - read through the links on the left hand side for her weightloss story and current approach to food now. Very inspiring.

the other is by a nutritionist who works with people with eating disorders and promotes normal eating. http://dropitandeat.blogspot.com/ - some of the writing is for anorexics and bulmics, but she also addresses emotional eating, binging, obesity, etc. too.

These blogs are not answers, but I thought perhaps you might find some inspiration, hope, and support there. I know I did.

Lisa said...

Wow. Feelings of being dumb and I was thing just before I read that how well spoken and smart you are. And pretty too. And I know it doesn't matter what others think if you don't feel it yourself. But I'm praying you get there. And I know you will.
Don't blog anymore but have been a long time lurker, sometimes (long ago) commenter. This post resonated with me, not because I'm a food addict, but because I have recently felt those EXACT feelings.

Take care and God bless you.