Bad News

I found out today that my revision was not approved with the ins. :( Now we begin the appeal process. Very bummed.

Food addiction triggers? Is that real or another BS excuse to eat?

In light of all the drama about Whitney Houston dying from drugs and alcohol, I am once again thinking about addiction. I hear a lot of people say they are not surprised because she was a mess. The think about food addicts is that some people look at morbidly obese people and think they are fat because they love to eat. They don't consider them "addicts." Most morbidly obese people thing they can lose weight on their own and they are one good diet and more will power away from taking control of their lives. Nice thought. A lot of drug addict thinks that every time they use is the last time and they will go cold turkey off drugs... AFTER this LAST time. I will never eat sugar again starting TOMORROW and tonight is my last time so I am going to eat this entire cake and get sugar all day since I have to eat it while I can... Yep... I am not sure I see the difference. Because we (and by "we" I mean food addicts like ME) are not selling our bodies on the street for money to "use" that night, but we take the chance with our lives, we lie, justify, rationalize, hurt ourselves, hurt others around us, obsess just as your average drug addict. Our minds are sick but we keep trying "diets" to "fix" the problem. We try surgery, the web, BLOGS :)... but really, like other addicts we need treatment. Therapy, counseling, medical intervention, 12 steps, prayer, surrender... just like other addicts.

Are certain foods triggers? Maybe, but eating at all is a trigger for those who binge. I can obsess over fruit the same as I can over chocolate. Waking up and obsessing about what "healthy" food I can eat that day is still feeding my addiction. It's the lesser of two evils to engage in obsessive behavior with healthy food as opposed to "bad" food, but the addiction is still there. It still tries to inch it's way in to my thoughts and actions. once I think that weight loss, diets, surgery are the cures to addiction, that's when I have failed. That's when I have given up on myself. That's when I open the window so far the addiction takes over the house. I guess what Ia m saying is that to deny the reality of food addiction is dangerous. To think we have it under control without treatment is not a long term solution even if it works temporarily. I need to make sure I am still facing the REAL issue. the REASON why I got so big. The REASON why no matter what surgery I do, it will not fix things forever if the underlined problem is not addressed in an ON-GOING manner. It funny, my therapist called today to set up our next appt. and I remember thinking, oh, another appt. Oh yay. I should be thinking... "Yes! Another appt! I need this! I deserve this! I am grateful to go to another appt." I don't know what the point of this post is tonight, but I have addiction on the brain. I have started the negative self talk again because today I saw myself in the mirror and said to myself.... "wow, you are ugly." I am feeling like I want to hide away so people can't see me. I feel like I am 360 pounds again. Weird how the mind works. This tells me it's time for more things to come to the surface in therapy. I always feel a "doom" feeling when I have to many feelings if that makes any sense. I don't like that I can't binge to take it away. It's hard to know ugly feelings are coming and I can't use food to stop it. It's scary. I am having grief feelings about my Papa and Grammie a LOT lately. I am having LOW self esteem issues, feelings of being dumb and mostly embarrassment for being ugly compared to those around me. I often wonder what my true addiction is. Do I obsess about food to take away brain space so I don't think about other things? Do I have these feelings because I hate myself for obsessing about food? This is a lifelong journey. Sorry to ramble tonight. Thanks for reading.

Hard Day

Today is another reminder that weight loss surgery doesn't "cure" food addiction. Food is ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT today. Even when I am not hungry. Things I want, but can't have. Things I used to binge on, things I don't have the ability to eat even if I wanted too. I have these days on and off where there is nothing but food in my brain. :(

Birthday Fun :)

Today we celebrated my 3 year old's birthday at Chick-fil-a. I was able to host and walk around which was such a blessing. Yet ANOTHER event since my surgery I was not watching from a chair. :) There were about 20 little girls. It was a great day. :)

VERY cool... :)

I had such an awesome day. I did my duties as "room mom" for my son's kindergarten class while still taking care of my 3 year old and 3 month old. I was walking around, helping, holding the baby... NORMAL mom stuff. It felt awesome. :) I went to the gym last night even when I didn't feel like it. I liked that I pushed myself. I felt strong. I woke up to my hubby giving me a rose, a balloon and a card. :) We set out gifts for all of our kids outside their bedroom doors so they would see it as soon as they woke up. It has been a great day. I am SOOOOOOOO grateful I got this sleeve! :) Happy Valentine's Day!

Surgery update - copied from FB

Well, I talked to the Dr. today and we made a final decision. I am going the more conservative route. I will have surgery in a few weeks to fold over that growth on top of my sleeve. The dr. thinks that will help with my restriction and get me to the promise land. :) I will move on to other things later if I have to. I just feel like this surgery is my answer and I need to see it all the way through. The Dr. agreed and I am so glad he listened to me. I have 70 pounds to go to reach my goal. I hope this will help me get there. I am also upping my personal training to 3 days per week. I work out 5 days per week but only 2 of those days are with my trainer so I hope adding that extra day will really help my body to become stronger. I already feel the difference from before I started at the gym and the extra day can only help. This surgery is stil the best thing that I have EVER done for myself and I feel good about sticking with it. Even the freak things I have had happen are worth what I have in return. :) Thanks for your support.

TMI warning

I am going to start tracking my periods on the side of my blog. PCOS symptoms get better with weight loss. I figure a good way to see if I am getting better on the inside is to see if my cycles will start to become regular. So, if you don't want to read about when I am bleeding, don't look. :)

Monday night we went to Chuck-E-Cheese for my son's 6th bday. It was so awesome that I got to walk around and see my kids go on the rides and play the games. I got in on the action too and played my hubby in a good game of air hockey and challenged my older daughter to skeet ball. These moments remind me what everything is all about. This is why I fight for my health.

Small update

The other two tests I took came out negative so I am moving on. I have an appt. with my OBGYN at the end of the month to go over things. I admit I am a little hurt to go through the motions of seeing a positive test, but at the end of the day I already have my miracles. :) I have another appt. with the surgeon tomorrow to talk about the surgery options again. I will update this weekend. I have my personal trainer appt tonight and I look forward to going. Never thought I would say that. :)