Home From the hospital

Banged up, but doing pretty good. The Dr. told my husband that my gallbladder was pretty beat up. It even had scar tissue! That is what all those years of yo-yo dieting have done to my insides. If you are on that same cycle, please remember that eating crap has effects you can't see. You could be destroying your body from the inside out. anyway, I have blurry vision so I am going to sign off. thanks for all the well wishes.

Second surgery in 3 days :(

Well, I have my second surgery in 5 months coming up in just three short days. I am VERY nervous. The Dr. said it is an "easy" surgery and my recovery should be easier than last time with the WLS. I have morbid thoughts of being under etc. It is weird because my gallbladder attack was only for one evening, then a dull pain for a couple of days and now it's gone. I fell GREAT so it's hard to understand why I need it taken out. BUT, I do know that GB attacks can lead to infections etc. and I don't want it to turn in to an emergency situation later. I still have over 70 pounds to go to reach my goal weight and I am ready for all this medical crap to be over. I will update as soon as I can afterwards. Thanks for caring.

Kinda awesome... :) & therapy session details

I had to go to the surgeons office today to confirm that I need gallbladder surgery and I do. It's scheduled for this Tuesday. (prayers welcome) Anyway, yesterday I had e-mailed is PA with the comparison pic from my last post and she was shocked. :) So.... I have been asked if my pics and story can be used in their education classes and seminars! This makes me feel AWESOME because the reason why I started this blog was to reach out to and maybe help other people who were addicted to food. I allowed myself to get blog bullied by a crazy person and I retreated within myself because that is what the fat girl does most of the time. Puts her head down and tries not to get noticed. I was so sad that my story and journey was lost in the drama. Now, I feel like I get a new chance to help others. I have a new way to reach out to people who are suffering as I did. I went to therapy today and realized my entire outlook has changed in 5 short months. The clouds in my head are all but gone as far as being the fat one who wants to hide in the corner. I have never had a problem expressing myself, but I never felt part of the world around me. I never belonged. I was always the outgoing fat girl who made people laugh or cry. I made fun of myself before anyone else could so I was a “cool” fat person. I was accepted but I knew I was an imposter. They really didn’t know the person inside who was hurting everyday that I was not “one of them.” I could not shop in the same stores, I had no idea what it was like to get asked to the prom by someone who liked you. I smiled for the camera then cried at home. Even in commanding large crowds, I was alone. I now want to break down doors and be present in the world. I hope to be a small part in helping others get to this place. I still have such a long road ahead and a ton more weight to lose so I'm flattered that they want to use my story since it's really only just beginning. I feel so validated that I made the right choice for me. Now, I need to get through this second surgery. Thanks for listening.

Bad News :(

I went out Friday night with my husband and one other couple to celebrate their birthdays and a dull pain started in my right side. I thought it was gas so I took some gas-x strips before we left. As the night went on, the pain got worse and worse. By then end of the night I was sweating from the pain. My hubby took me to the ER. Turns out it is my gallbladder and I have a "ton" of stones. It needs to come out. :( I REALLY didn't want another surgery because the WLS was such a hard recovery for me. I will find out tomorrow when this will happen. We have something big happening in our family in a couple of months and I need to be 100% for that. (can't say what it is right now) Anyway, aside from this, I have been feeling GREAT! I can fit in to a size 20 jeans that don't stretch! :)

new comparison pic! - 60 pounds lost since surgery (in 4 months)

My daughter took this pic of me on Friday before the jr. high orientation. I felt like a million bucks. It's amazing how in 4 and a half months my life can change so drastically. I love my sleeve. I LOVE my life. I am grateful beyond words!

so, 60 pound update... (the other 50 I lost was before surgery)

* I can walk even farther
* I can stand for up to an hour (before surgery I could only stand for a minute or two)
* I have more confidence
* I learned I LOVE to cook! This one is a shocker! Before I always wanted fast meals like fast food or restaurant food because it was "hard" for me to cook meals and honestly I wanted them faster than I could cook them.
* I find myself seeing other "food addicts" everywhere I go. I notice the wobble, the leaning on the carts, the grimace on the face of pain, and each time I want to cry. For them and for me having spent so many years like that. I wish I could run up to everyone and tell them there is an answer. But like with other addictions, they have to be the one that is ready.
* I am a better mother. Stuff doesn't get to me AT ALL the way it used to before surgery. As an addict, I was wrapped up in my addiction. My food and binging came first. No matter how many times I said my family was the most important thing in my life, I was a liar. If that were true, I would not have let myself become immobile and miss out on their lives as much as I did.
* I am a better wife. My poor husband worked full time then had to come home and do everything, do all the shopping, all the set up for any holiday etc. I was present, but I played the role as "fatty supervisor." You know the type. the one that was perched on a couch nest barking out orders to everyone else but never gets off her fat @ss to do any of it herself. Now, I am more of his partner. There are still many things I am not able to do, but I try more and more. I was worried he would have a hard time not being the "savior" after my surgery, but I can tell he is excited for my new energy.
* I am more exposed than ever. My fat shield is coming down and that makes me uncomfortable. My feelings that have been stuffed deep inside my body are moving closer and closer to the surface and this is scary for me. I am still in therapy EVERY week, but even there I don't feel comfortable when I notice that my body no longer allows me to push down my feelings. I try, believe me. It is a mind trip that a weight loss surgery has such an effect on the mind. This is a territory that I actually would rather not go in to, but for some reason my body rejects me repressing things since surgery so I am FORCED to look at things. I hope to be able to share them here as long as I feel safe.

Thanks for looking at yet ANOTHER update pic. lol

You will NEVER GUESS what I did???!!! (fatty porn pics included) lol

Ok, here's the fatty porn pic. lol You know I love to get in to a bathing suit to really compare. I have the fattest, whitest legs, and no makeup, but I still felt great. Life is for living! :)

I wanted to do something totally different in order to celebrate my new life for my birthday. All the years of putting off the real fun because "next year I will lose the weight" is over for me. Even if I never lose another pound I have to be happy in my own skin. Lose and all. I started the morning with swimming for two hours. I hosted our church playgroup at our neighborhood pool so I was in front of everyone in all my glory. You know I have done this in the past and I firmly believe in NOT stopping your life because of your weight. So, I got some good exercise for two hours. Then, I took my son to his kindergarten testing, went home and got ready for my birthday night. :) My hubby decorated our kitchen so cute and bought me roses. We went to dinner at this awesome Mexican place that serves single small tacos so I feel like I am getting a real meal like everyone else. lol This place is a downtown shop type area that for YEARS I had only seen through a car window, and now I have been there twice in two months. :) Anyway, we sat outside next to the fountain and had a great time. That was supposed to be it, but I had decided earlier that this year I had to do something I ha never done before, and something I COULD NOT do before surgery due to my weight. Sooo... I came up with go-cart racing! I haven't even THOUGHT of doing this in the past because #1, I would be too big to fit and #2, I could never get down low enough to get in in the first place. Last night all that changed. I OWNED that cart, flying around the corners, racing my kids, feeling the wind in my hair... It was so freeing! It was a feeling I have not felt since I was a little girl. After dinner we went home and celebrated with a little cake and gifts. It was the perfect day.

110 pounds lost! :) - On my birthday! :)

On my birthday. This is a wonderful gift to myself. :) I have a busy day ahead... I am hosting a playgroup at the pool, I have to pick up my daughter from summer band practice, go to physical therapy, collect items for the church give & get, then my hubby is taking me and the kids out to celebrate my birthday with dinner and a stroll in a wonderful downtown area that I love and used to only see through the window of a car because I could not walk around. I love living life. I love that I made the choice to SAVE my life. Every birthday is a blessing. Have a great day folks! :)

a pic of me from a changing room at Lane Bryant...:)

I didn't realize it was this blurry, but I am wearing a size 20 jeans!!! At the time of my surgery (4 months ago) I was in a 32! I actually felt like hot stuff for the first time EVER in a dressing room. :) lol Can't wait to do it again! lol The shirt is a size 22! (I have HHH sized boobs so I always have to get bigger shirts. I was up to a 5x before surgery. I found out in this same trip my bra size has gone "down" to a 'G'. The next surgery for me is a breast reduction. :)

Not all rainbows and lollipops...

I think I need to add some balance here. Surgery for me was the most wonderful thing I could have ever done for myself. I have so many new moments. This morning I am 255. That is a 105 pound WL. 55 pounds since surgery 4 months ago. I am reaping the benefits now, but the beginning was more than hard. To start, the liquid diet before surgery was the WORST part. This is withdrawal for any food addict. Every sound, every voice, every gust of wind was like knives cutting me. Every thought was of food. Every dream, every thought, every wish. It was a HORRIBLE two weeks. I cried almost everyday. It really hit me how much I needed help. Then after the surgery, those same issues came up about three or four days after surgery. I was STARVING. The hunger chemical was still in my system (the stomach produces Ghrelin which tells your brain you are hungry. When the stomach is removed, you no longer produce Ghrelin.)

I could not eat and I could barely drink about 8 oz of water per day. I was in so much pain. I would not do anything. I needed my poor husband to take me to the bathroom and wipe me. It was a very low moment for me. I stayed that miserable for almost a month. Then, I started noticing I could do more and more. It's been like that ever since. Each new day brings a new thing I can do. Right after my surgery, I was having SERIOUS regrets. I missed food so much. I missed the relationship my mind had with food. I had no source of comfort, peace, happiness... In therapy I talked about my lack of coping skills without food. That first two months or so were hard mentally above all else. I was still in what I would call "withdrawal." Now, 4 months later EVERYTHING is different. I still get to enjoy food. I am "normal" now when it comes to food. I am never hungry and I eat very small portions, but even with those small portions I am completely full and satisfied which for me was something I never got from dieting. I have said this before... This surgery is NOT for everyone. I had lost control on so many levels and needed medical help. Doing this has also exposed me to some of the inside layers emotionally which in the past I could bury with food. I am just now starting to explore my grief from the lost of my Papa and Grammie. I am just now getting to the deep levels of shame I felt as a child as a result of getting molested. I told my therapist last week that I now feel like my issues are right under my skin, trying to get out and I don't feel ready to "see" them. In my mind, I still know that a binge would drive those issues back down "where they belong" but I no longer physically have that option so I have no other choice but to start addressing things as they surface. Anyway, I guess this post has lots of thoughts. Thanks for reading.