Still waiting for this funk to pass. Waiting for the hope to kick in. I appreciate all the uplifting comments. I wish I could leave some on your pages. I read them, but I don't feel I have anything to offer as far as a comment. What would I know about WL? What kind of an idiot gets her stomach cut out yet STILL gains weight? I feel like I am entering a really angry stage. I am so angry at myself, my failed surgery, others... Just angry. My story is the same old same old and no one wants to be bored with hearing about my fat. I don't have anyone IRL who understands what it's like to live as an addict. I think people would understand more if it were drugs or alcohol, but not food. No one sees me engrossed in my addiction. My affair with food takes place when I am alone. hidden from judgement. The problem is, my fat is a giveaway of my secret. I have to walk around showing my personal flaws and weakness. There is no hiding when you are literally wearing your addiction. By wearing my "weakness" I am subject to almost daily "suggestions" of a super easy way to lose weight. I smile and say thank you. I am reminded 100 times per day that everyone just sees me as a fat, lazy loser and they have no idea what I go through in order to try and fight for my life. I am sick of my own whining. I would love to just snap out of it and start some new health kick. I would love to be free of the horrible addiction that SCREAMs at me every night trying to get me to eat. It's just me and "the voice" up all night fighting alone in the dark. All I have ever known is being alone. I can be surrounded by people and still feel alone because I have this "issue" I spend so much time trying to hide. I don't have the first clue who I am without a food addiction. It looks to me like I don't want to know. I took such extreme measures to try to kill the beast yet I found a way to allow this to continue to run my life. Every day I will "start tomorrow." Every day I have a new reason why I can't give 100% that day. Not enough health food in the house, an activity for church coming up that requires eating, someones birthday... All the while I am trying each night in between to hide my eating from my family. No one EVER sees what I really eat. There is almost a desperation when everyone is gone to eat as fast as I can and hide the evidence. After every episode I am reminded that I am a failure.
This addiction is lonely. Really lonely.