Big Changes

I'm not sure if I am going to blog about it.  I need to examine my reason for blogging in the first place.  I'm not sure I want to open myself up to the horrible people out there, but I love the wonderful people I find.  I also need to figure out if I am doing it just for attention or validation.  Anyway, I will not be getting my revision for a while because I have decided to go on Medifast.  I have to say, I don't agree with Medifast as a long term way to keep weight off (great for you if you have maintained for a couple of years after your WL with Medifast but I have yet to meet anyone who has) but I need a way to get back down to my lowest weight pretty fast.  Because... (and if for some reason anyone I know in real life is reading this, PLEASe don't mention it to anyone) this summer we are trying IVF.  Yep.  After 7 years of not trying anything, we are going directly for the big guns.  This is a one time shot.  We can only afford to try it once (can't really afford that either) and if it doesn't work, it doesn't work.  Here's the kicker... I won't do it unless I lose 60 pounds.  I need to make sure I am at a healthy place in order to make that kind of emotional and financial investment.  Who knows if it will work, but I will know I tried.  Why am I doing this?  Because I want to know what it's like to be pg.  A turning point for me was a church activity where the only thing talked about at the table for an entire hour and a half was being pg.  I was not able to say but 3 words the entire night.  I tried to leave the table several times to see if when I came back they would move past that subject, but no.  It was so painful.  Everyone there knew I was infertile but they continued to talk about the ONE thing in life I could not relate too and something they knew was so painful for me.  I know it wasn't done in a mean way and it is NOT their issue, it's mine.  Anyway, we are NOT interested in having bio children.  It's hard to explain unless you have adopted, but you honestly love your kids just as much if not more because you know the true miracle of what it took for them to come to your family.  I would NEVER trade my kids not even for 15,000 pg-cs.  I just want to be pg.  We may use a donor egg, donor sperm, whatever.  The Dr. said I was healthy enough to try it now, but I feel deep in my heart I have to lose this weight first so that's where the Medifast comes in.  I have tried the food.  It sucks.  Bland, gross... but there is nothing in the world I would not do for 6 months if it meant I had a better change of getting/staying pg.  It's been 10 years of peeing on a stick every month, waiting for a second line to appear.  Sometimes seeing it, sometimes not.  Dr. appt.s and blood tests that confirm a pg-c and then follow up appts. that say I'm not.  Holding a pee test up to the light to triple check that there really isn't a line.  Going back to look at it 400 times just in case it pops up later... It's really too much.  If I try this and it doesn't work, I will be cool because I will know when i am 80 that I tried.  I have such a great family... wonderful husband and great kids... I am REALLY Ok if it doesn't work.  I am willing to pay the price for my piece of mind.  If it does work, I might actually be part of the club.  the part that knows what it's like to feel a baby move in their tummy... that goes to the dr.'s appt.s because you made the appt and not because you begged someone else to let you go with them... the swollen ankles, the throwing up, all of it.  Every little bit.  I DON'T look forward to starting Medifast tomorrow.  I don't have the typical "new diet excitement" and "I know this is the THINg that will work for me" type crap.  What I do know is I was at the point where I had to decide if it was getting the revision or getting IFV.  Choosing IVF meant choosing the hardest path to short-term weight loss.  I still can't go over 800 calories per day if I want to lose.  I am ready for the starving.  I am ready for the headaches, I am ready to fight the good fight to achieve this goal.  I did learn I can't think long term about my weight loss.  I am an addict.  When I think long term, it seems to hard and I give up.  I have to think day to day.  Whatever... Here's to New Year's goals.