The Medifast food sucks :(

Where is that magic pill that will cause me to lose weight and keep it off?  Where is the calorie free ice cream?  Where is that 2 minute workout that will have my body looking like a personal trainer?  While I'm at it, where can I buy seeds for a money tree to plant in my back yard?

Pic of the day... My family doing the Harlem Shake as a Family Home Evening activity. :)

Great weekend, but...

I had a wonderful time since Wednesday when my high school friends came for a visit.  It was soooo great to feel young again. :)  I also enjoyed a great football game.  My baby boy was awesome. :)  The underline issue in my head keeps me from really letting go and having fun.  I am starting to hate going to church.  More and more I run in to fake people and being fake is soooo hard for me to understand.  I love my church, just not some of the people there. :)  Isn't that with every church?  I am also the person who conducts the music so I am standing in front of the church with all my failures to be displayed in front of hundreds of people.  It's like I am being paraded in front of everyone as a main attraction in a freak show.  A personal train wreak to be watched over and over again.  Lovely.  Well, the good news is I am continuing with therapy and my try ONE MORE TIME to go back to OA.  I have HATED every attempt at OA in the past.  They will whine all meeting then go out to eat afterwards!  There is only ONE meeting in this area and our computer is so old I can't use the on-line meetings.  I am sticking with therapy and seeing my Dr., back dr. and my arthritis dr. this week so I am moving forward with trying to get my health under control. 

Thanks for listening.

Pic of the day...  End of the game...

Wish I knew what to say...

But I don't.  I appreciate all the supportive comments.  I feel almost guilty because I am not able to report any change in how I feel.  Still looking for that glimmer of hope or self confidence.  So far, nothing.  Sorry. :(

How long will I feel like this?

Still waiting for this funk to pass.  Waiting for the hope to kick in.  I appreciate all the uplifting comments.  I wish I could leave some on your pages.  I read them, but I don't feel I have anything to offer as far as a comment.  What would I know about WL?  What kind of an idiot gets her stomach cut out yet STILL gains weight?  I feel like I am entering a really angry stage.  I am so angry at myself, my failed surgery, others... Just angry.  My story is the same old same old and no one wants to be bored with hearing about my fat.  I don't have anyone IRL who understands what it's like to live as an addict.  I think people would understand more if it were drugs or alcohol, but not food.  No one sees me engrossed in my addiction.  My affair with food takes place when I am alone.  hidden from judgement.  The problem is, my fat is a giveaway of my secret.  I have to walk around showing my personal flaws and weakness.  There is no hiding when you are literally wearing your addiction.  By wearing my "weakness" I am subject to almost daily "suggestions" of a super easy way to lose weight.  I smile and say thank you.  I am reminded 100 times per day that everyone just sees me as a fat, lazy loser and they have no idea what I go through in order to try and fight for my life.  I am sick of my own whining.  I would love to just snap out of it and start some new health kick.  I would love to be free of the horrible addiction that SCREAMs at me every night trying to get me to eat.  It's just me and "the voice" up all night fighting alone in the dark.  All I have ever known is being alone.  I can be surrounded by people and still feel alone because I have this "issue" I spend so much time trying to hide.  I don't have the first clue who I am without a food addiction.  It looks to me like I don't want to know.  I took such extreme measures to try to kill the beast yet I found a way to allow this to continue to run my life.  Every day I will "start tomorrow."  Every day I have a new reason why I can't give 100% that day.  Not enough health food in the house, an activity for church coming up that requires eating, someones birthday... All the while I am trying each night in between to hide my eating from my family.  No one EVER sees what I really eat.  There is almost a desperation when everyone is gone to eat as fast as I can and hide the evidence.  After every episode I am reminded that I am a failure. 

This addiction is lonely.  Really lonely.

Bottom Line...

We could not get enough money for the surgery.  I was going to get a loan from a family member and it didn't work out.  Instead, I am using that money to get healthy.  so far I have been to the endocrinologist, ENT and today a new therapist that specializes in food addiction.  I have an appointment for a back center and a new dr. to check for an autoimmune disorder next week.  I need to get healthy period, not just with my weight.  My Endocrinologist recommends MediFast due to my PCOS so it looks like I am joining Lyn and I am getting started on that.  So far I have lost only 9 pounds in 2 weeks, but at least that's something. I have not had any sugar AT ALL in 17 days.  Still have the cravings.  I'm sure that is in my mind and not my body.  I will not lie and say I am not still disappointed with not getting my revision, but I am ready to face this addiction as best I can.  Win or fail.  I also can't say I have faith in myself because I don't.  If history and stats tell me anything, I have a 97% chance of failure but that does not give me a ticket to give up.

Pick of the day... Enjoying my son's spring football game. 

Glad to be able to walk around enough to get there and enjoy the moment.

Copied from my FB page...

My surgery is off. I am so sorry for anyone who has offered to help next week etc. I am not happy about this. I am 90% sure I can't do this on my own. I have NO CHOICE but to try AGAIN. For the 10,000th time in my life. I am going to dig deep this week to try and find some hope. I am a food addict. Food addiction is real I hate when it's used as a joke by some skinny people who like to eat sweets or chips every now and again. It is all consuming. It destroys my body. It runs my schedule, takes up a ton of space in my mind and changes how I look at everything. I have so much to live for and so many goals for the future yet food has been a block wall keeping me from these things for so long. There is something I am trying medically in Dec/Jan (not something related to weight) that I cannot try unless I am able to lose 100 pounds in 9 months. I am open for prayer. :) Thanks for listening and supporting me. Sorry to bring my personal drama to FB, but I am a very open person and feel like if I am not "real" I am lying. I won't pretend to be happy and ready to tackle this head on. I don't feel that way. Right now I feel let down, sad, scared and angry that I am in this place. Jealous too. Jealous of people who are free from this addiction. People who move freely in this beautiful world. People who can plan their day by what they want to do and not how far they can walk due to their back. People who can run, ride bikes, dance, feel the sun on their face during a walk… I know everyone has their own problems but this one is mine. In the mean time, I am trying to focus on my beautiful family and pray for a solution that will enable me to be at my best for them and for myself. :( Excuse me if I am ticked off and in a bad mood for a week or so.

 

* I am not ready to talk about this.

9 more days til Revision surgery

Lord help me...  This liquid diet is making me CRAZY!!!!!!

Dee's Tips and Trivia...

Previous Questions –

~ Women outnumber men in the US.  What 4 states are women in the minority?

Alaska, Wyoming, Nevada, California

~ If two batches of chili will feed 9 people, how many batches should you make to feed 72 people?

16

~ What is the world’s most populous country beginning with the letter T?

Turkey with 62 million people

Tips –

~ Add a pinch of salt to the coffee in the basket of your coffeemaker.  This will improve the coffee’s flavor by helping to remove some of the acid taste.

~ Cut an orange in half, remove pulp, and fill with salt.  It will provide an aromatic scent.

~ To alleviate the discomfort of a sore throat, gargle several times a day with a mixture of ¼ teaspoon of salt in warm water.

Trivia –

~ Each red blood cell lives an average of 4 months and travels between the lungs and other tissues 75,000 times.

~ Arizona has official state neckwear – the bolo tie.

~ Because the freshness of French fries deteriorates so quickly, Burger King’s policy is to toss out fries that have been sitting for 7 minutes.

This date in history (March 1^st)

~ 1872 – Yellowstone becomes the 1^st National Park.

~ 1913 – Federal Income Tax takes effect.

~ 1961 – President Kennedy establishes the Peace Corp.

~ 1962 – K-Mart opens.

~ 1995 – Yahoo! was incorporated.

Questions –

~ How many sweat glands in the human body?

~ The Eagles had the #1 song on this date in 1975.  What was it? Sidebar-I’ve seen them in concert and they never sing this song. L

~ Who is Barbara Huffman?

Quote –

“Wonder rather than doubt is the root of all knowledge.”  Abraham Joshua Heschel

- Dee