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Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Feeling Beat down...

My birthday is in 3 days.  I will be 35 and I this time last year I had soooo many dreams about whatI would do to celebrate turning 35.  #1., I thought I would be at goal weight.  I thought my surgery would be like every one else and I would not have complications.  I thought I would be low enough in weight to zip line.  I did not imagine I would be living in a hotel with five kids and a husband because my house flooded.  I had a goal to go tubing on the lake.  Last year although I went on the boat which at the time was a major accomplishment, I could not tube because I was still too fat.  This summer I was going to go back and tube.  I have not been to the lake, I can't face another failure.  My surgery gave me a much better quality of life, but then caused a lifetime of dieting in order to say under 1200 calories per day in order to not GAIN weight.  There is NO WAY that without my sleeve getting fixed I can stay between 600-800 calories per day in order to LOSE.  I will now be fighting to stay fat forever since my surgery money has to go towards my house ins. deductible.  I am feeling so bogged down right now.  I can't imagine accepting this body for the rest of my life.  I need to let go of my dreams but don't know how.  What keeps m going is looking at my kids and husband an trying to feel grateful for what I have.  And I am.  I'm still grateful for every step.  I am grateful for the ability to be a better mom and wife.  But... It's hard to let go of a dream.  It's hard to let go of something you have imagined your entire life.  My first memory of trying to lose weight was at 5 years old.  I was told by my mom that I was getting to chubby for a bathing suit.  By 7 she told me I need make-up so at least my face would be pretty until I could lose weight.  At 9 she told me if I could not lose 20 pounds by the end of summer I would not get new school clothes.  School started in a month.  I didn't lose and I didn't get new clothes for a couple of years.  I had been dreaming of fitting in, looking like everyone else, being "pretty" since I was old enough to have memories and now I am just supposed to let go.  Now my fight becomes starving just so I can not gain weight.  I am bitter about this change of focus.  I am mad at myself because I chose this.  I am mad because the surgery that saved my life is also the one that changed my body forever.  Most sleeve or WLS patients I know have to eat under 1200 to maintain.  It's normal in the WLS world.  BUT, that is to MAINTAIN.  NOt to lose.   To lose the weight they needed to eat far less.  I know my sleeve can get fixed to provide the restriction I need to help be reach my goals, but now it's years away since I can no longer afford the loan due to my house.  This means at least two years of fighting, starving and being cranky just to maintain.  Yes, I guess I am feeling sorry for myself.  I am still the fat girl at church,in my neighborhood, my kids school, in my own home.  Fatty never left me.  She was just sitting around waiting for an opportunity to tell me I was stuck with her forever and rub it in my face.  Looks like she got her way.  That's what I get for thinking it could turn out a different way.  I'm sure my blog stalkers will enjoy this post.  You were right.  I have failed AGAIN.  I hope that brings you the joy you so desperately want at my expense.  You were right. 

24 comments:

Sunny said...

Okay girl, you need to sit down at a photo album and look how far you have come. Sometimes when I am feeling fat and helpless to get anywhere, I have to look back at where I have been to get some hope for the future. You look amazing! And think of how hard the things you have done in your life are. You can do hard things! This is no different. I have loveed reading your blog and each success you have had, but I also know about bad days and hard things. Some days hope is hard to find. But I believe in you. I know you can do it! Hugs! :)

♫ Drazil ♪ said...

She was wrong. You are still here. Still fighting right? You inspire so many but you're also allowed to have bad days. Many of the lap banders I follow are having complications and having second surgeries...so you are not alone. Ever.

ThunderThighs said...

Oh honey I don't think anything I say would make you feel better so please take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in your struggles and that you have support here. And I don't know if you're a religious person or not, but I'm keeping you in my prayers anyways. :) *hugs*

Lawgirl said...

I'm so sorry that your mom was so awful to you. I know that this must be so frustrating to go through all of that and then feel stuck. You're not a failure - you're going to get back up and try again. Can the doctor work on a payment plan with you?

Sending hugs.

Angela/Pretty in Orange

adorkbl said...

I am sorry that things are looking so down for you right now. Keep your chin up. I know it seems impossible right now, but you can still do this.

Taryl said...

Screw the blog stalkers. Seriously. Every day you don't give up or give into that feeling of failure is a victory over them AND your inner, viciously mean, WRONG fat girl. Things are crazy for you right now, remind yourself it won't always be this insane and stressful and tell yourself the truth - that where there is a will, there is a way, and you WILL find that way. Even if the means are unconventional and the timing is beyond what you'd hoped.

Preach truth to yourself, not vicious lies that only ruin your happiness. You can do this, sweetie, even if it isn't ideal. *hug*

FattyMcFatPants said...

I don't know how you can possibly feel like a failure after losing 107 pounds! I've just read this blog from the start (you mentioned blogging before but I don't know where), and so many times you talked about not being able to walk etc. Who cares if you're not "done" yet, you've come so far.

Katie said...

You can do this. You CAN. Maybe not right now, but sometime in the future. Where you are today is not where you'll be a few months from now, or even a year from now - emotionally, physically, financially. This must be a devastating setback for you - give yourself the permission to grieve what you thought was going to happen. But I KNOW you can pick yourself back up and move forward. You can do it!!!!

Heather said...

*hugs* I know the feeling of frustration. I lost 50 lbs only to regain it because of a marital breakup and the anti-depressants it took to survive that. I lost that same 50 pounds again and then hurt my back and regained the whole stupid amount due to steroids and other meds to stabilize my back. I'm fatter than I've ever been and it feels like it will only keep getting worse. Hang in there, sweet girl... you are doing the best you can for yourself and your family right now. There will be a way, some how. I'm so sorry you're struggling!
heather

Beth said...

Your children are very, very lucky to have a mother who can look at her own mother's choices and do better! Praise God for giving you that gift.

It sucks to be told, "You'd be so pretty if you'd just lose weight." Why can't we be pretty regardless of the size of our hips?!? I'm grateful for a husband who looks at me and sees beauty, even as I do not see myself the same way.

YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN!

Lyn said...

You are absolutely not a failure. I am so sorry you are hurting. I have faith in you. You are going to figure out how to have what you desire. Maybe not through surgery. You're in my prayers.

Lori said...

I know this has to be a hard, hard place to be in life. I wish I had the key to unlock the treasure trove of good that is waiting for you. Sometimes, though, we have to walk the hard path in life. I don't know why and I don't know how to make it any easier for you.

Know that you are not alone in your struggles. We are all there, most of us aren't nearly in as difficult of a situation as you, but we all have our issues and we can fight them together.

Also remember that the only way you lose is if you quit fighting. You won't quit. No way.
Lori

Wendy said...

You've lost over 100 pounds! That's not a failure, that is a gigantic, amazing success! Go back and look at the pictures of yourself from before surgery and then look at your recent pictures. Look how far you've come and look how much happier you look in the recent photos! You've done amazing, you've accomplished goals and you've gotten your life back.

What you're going through now is just a setback. Don't let it break you down. You're still the strong woman who lost 100 pounds. You can push through this setback and eventually you'll get the surgery and keep on pushing through to reach the rest of your goals.

You can do it, you're a tough woman! Hang in there!

Emily said...

Big, big, hug!!!! Hang in there!

Countrywoman said...

every small step adds to the bigger picture. Don't look at it as a set back but a gain to the bigger picture, you're alive, you have your kids, one small step at a time

Karen said...

Lovely lady: please listen to me...shit happens all the time. All the time. You got set back. Breath and move forward. You have so much more now than you did last year...you know this. You can save and go for it again (Your daughter should be working to help with this lack of cash). But more important than all that: you have to let that little girl who once was you go...she doesn't exist any more. She's gone. Hanging on to her will only drag you down. She isn't you. If you can't do this, find a therapist who can help you to vanquish her. She's smoke & mirrors and she's never coming back.
Don't appeal to the stalkers and the crazies...they are not right and start right now by taking that bit out of your post. It is nonsense. When you get a bad thought about yourself, yell at it until it goes away. Replace it with a triumph like you've been telling us about. YOU CAN DO THIS.
I am 43 years old. My left hip was replaced 2 years ago. The right one is ready for that but the dr. recommended keyhole surgery to buy me time until the next replacement. It didn't work...I'm down loads of $$, out of work for three months (you know the story). I am now almost disabled, had to come back to work for the $$$ and have to wait till next March to have the replacement. So no summer for me - no vegetable garden, no exercise, no swimming with my three year old twins, no sleeping. Don't feel sorry for me - I tell you this because I have no option but to kick myself in the arse and keep at it until next year. I smile because I have to. You can do this too. You can. You have already. Find out what's up with that daughter of yours and put your energy into the good you and getting your good daughter back. As for your mother who made that sad little girl: I don't know why she did it but I offer you this poem to think about. Remember all the people who are rooting for you. We are wishing you well. Do it. You can.

This Be the Verse
By Philip Larkin
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

Crazymamaof6 said...

Hugs! You need to realize how awesome you are. What you have done. How far you have come. The abuse you recieved as a child wasn't your fault. Change your way if thinking about your weight. Be confident and you are beautiful. Love yourself no matter what. You are worthy of love. You are blessed with a husband and children who love you anyway. Love yourself. You can do it. Just keep swimming. In the eternal scheme of things 2 more years isn't that far away. You are young. 35 is fabulous!

Karen said...

...and sorry, I am incapable of being succinct. Please please please smile for us again. This too will pass. x

Tammy said...

You have done amazing! I know you're frustrated right now...but you WILL get past this. I totally understand about when you were a kid..it was the same for me. Sometimes I have given up and just said to myself "I'm meant to be fat." I'm the "fat mom" at my kids' schools...seriously feel like the outcast again...but I'm me...that's enough. Yes I am losing weight now...but in order to do that, I have to give up most foods...not easy for me...but I'm tired of being huge. So I feel your frustration. Just hang in there...this too shall pass.

Christine said...

lisa, there is only one way I know of losing while eating a calorie amount to maintain and that is exercise. Begin and you will stop feeling so bogged down. If I could only focus on what I couldn't do, I would feel the same way. move forward and the feeling will pass because you are no longer in the same place.

Shannon said...

Keep your chin up! You are doing everything that you can right now. You should be proud of yourself on what you have accomplished. You are a wonderful mother and wife. You will get to your goal weight, stay positive. You will eventually be able to have your sleeve fixed. In the meantime, don't stress on what you can't change. Focus on moving back into your home, and then you can move forward with your surgery. You are an inspiration to others. Look how far you have come. Try and stay positive. I know that its easier to say than do. Things will get better!!

Grandma K said...

You hit home with me - my parents were the same with me. My heart broke for you. They certainly added emotions that are with us today, and probably helped us to have such poor body images that all we did was gain. Why do anything about it since we were so ugly.

Ryan.Perry said...

Keep up the hard work! Everything will turn out the way you want it to. One thing I’ve found to be extremely helpful and useful as a supplement to my current diet/exercise plan is Fullbar (www.fullbar.com). Their products (Fullbar shakes) have helped me lose weight and learn how to maintain that weight-loss.

Miss Celeb Lady said...

Oh my goodness, I just found your blog tonight and have read it from start to now. I am SO sorry you are going through this. You don't deserve this heartbreak and pain. I think a lot of us had parents who were mean to us about weight. I know I had a parent like that. It leaves a scar on our hearts that may heal and fade a bit over time, but it never goes away. I sincerely wish you all of the best and I hope things get better for you soon. Big hugs from Texas.