A pic to explain why I am indeed a rock star!... :)

You see the big yellow water slide? Well, I went down that thing! I, Lisa, went on a WATER SLIDE!!!! It was my first time in at least 20 years. The last time I went on a water slide I was in jr. high. By the time I got to high school, I was already (in my mind) to big to be in a bathing suit in front of a living, breathing person. I also have to admit, it took me a good hour to work up the nerve to on this one. I spent a good amount of time telling myself all the things that could go wrong. #1, I could have a hard time going up the 4 flights of stairs to the top and have to turn around and go down in front of everyone. #2 I could actually get stuck on the water slide because we have all seen that "America's funniest home video" where the really big guy has to push him self down the slide because he is to heavy for the water to carry him down. Did I really want that to happen in front of my friends and my husband and kids? #3 What if the slide cracked or came off it's hinges under my weight? How would I feel knowing that I broke the slide for everyone?

THEN, the negative self talk started. My addiction was once again telling me I was not good enough. "Lisa, you still look gross. No one wants to see a whale with fat rolls walk up those stairs and go down the slide... You should wait until next year... Maybe you will look better by then... You are just asking to be humiliated... don't do it..."

After an hour of this, I told that voice to shut the hell up and buckle it's seatbelt because I am about to have fun!

I practically ran up those stairs and was not winded AT ALL. I do admit to checking with the lifeguard about the weight limit at least 20 times before I went down... lol It was really one of those moments that changes things. I sat there at the top. (I got down on the slide all by myself..:) I took some deep breaths. Once again that voice tried to talk me out of this. "The kids in the water or those along the side ride will see you! They will make fun of you! If you end up getting stuck, you are going to have to yell for help..." You will embarrass your husband...

I took another deep breath. It is now or never Lisa! Tell that voice, tell ALL the voices of people who tell you you can't, you won't, you shouldn't... Tell them to go to hell! So, with that, I pushed off REALLY hard. I intended to own this slide. I intended to show that voice that I AM IN CHARGE. I went down that slide like there was no tomorrow. I flew around the turns, I was going faster and faster until "SPLASH!" I hit the water. It felt like a baptism. I was coming up a new woman. Washed away was the voice of weakness. Washed away was the "I can't, I won't, I should not." What emerged was FUN. I felt like a kid. I felt free. I walked around for the rest of the time in all my fat roll glory, no bathing suit cover, enjoying all the evening had to give me. I am free. I AM IN CHARGE of the quality of my life. I am still way off from being a bathing suit beauty, and will any of us really ever get there? Will I ever look like a model in a bathing suit? No, but I am WORTHY of fun. I may never be "bathing suit ready" so there is no need to put off life anymore! I know, all this from a water slide? Yes. Go on one as soon as you can so you can feel it too. :)

Do you see this bump??!!

This is my leg being pulled at physical therapy. Yes, I took a pic with my phone. lol Why? Because I saw a bump on the left hand side of my foot. I figured out what it was... an ankle bone! Yes, I have ankles now! :)

Fat Face pic and full body shot

I have new pics I took today so I can make more of a comparison than the pic in the last post.

Thought I would throw in this pic taken tonight with my hubby. The pic on the left is the night before my surgery and by then I had already lost weight on my own so I was "down" to 310.

I DID IT!!! 100 pounds lost (pic included)

Wow. I can't believe this is here. I actually got there several days ago (actually, 101 pounds lost but who's counting right?) but I have been so busy with company I could not update here. All I an say is that I rock on so many levels... lol j.k. Actually, my sweet bloggy friend Chris pointed out a few posts back that my lowest point, my rock bottom came last summer when my family was going to the lake and I could not get down from a wall in order to go to the sand beach from the sidewalk. It was horrible. Everyone was staring, I ended up ROLLING on the ground in order to get to a standing position. I broke down in tears right in front of all the lake go-ers. I ended up watching my family at the lake FROM MY CAR. It was so sad. I was so embarrassing. Until that moment, I never realized how my food addiction TRULY affected my family. I knew I would be a better wife and mom if I could get around more, but this was a new low entirely. My sweet hubby wanted to leave because it hurt him to see me that way, but I said no because I didn't want to upset the kids. That was the day I was literally watching my life pass me by. I saw my family's life as it would be without me and they all looked sad. Honestly, what right did I have to adopt all these kids if I didn't plan on being around for them? How must they feel to be put in the back seat to food? Then, what about me? I was DYING. Physically, spiritually, emotionally. I prayed everyday, all day for God to "save me" from this addiction. To release me from this demon that possessed my soul.

On this day, it was clear that I needed medical intervention. I was so afraid of the future, how would I live without certain foods? How would I celebrate, mourn, feel without my go-to foods? A few months after this episode I was hospitalized for breathing & heart problems. After all the work-ups the Dr walked in my room and told me ALL of my problems were obesity related, even at my young age. The day I left the hospital, I never binged again. I never ate sweets, I went cold turkey. I had the will power that came from a place of fear and shame. The WRONG reasons because if you are doing this out of guilt or hatred of yourself, you will not feel better and although I was "doing it", I didn't feel any better about myself. It didn't help that at that time I was being cyber bullied by a mean blogger and his few "followers." It was hard to realize that people were reading this blog like they would watch a soap opera, just to see what happens next. My pain, my struggles were amusing and even funny. I was pursued all over the Internet, every community which I belonged was tracked by this person and his "friends." Every post I wrote and picture I took was copied for his his personal use. It was SCARY. I went as far as to find out who he is (through a fellow blogger) and call the police. But during all this I did not give up nor did I let that negativity change my mind. I moved forward with the VSG surgery (NOT the band or bypass) even with being told I would fail, that I would chicken out, that I am not ready. Only the person doing it knows if they are ready. My heart and body was SCREAMING at me to get help. The binge monster was still in there and he was loudly protesting my changes and if I wanted to keep him away I would need help. I lost 50 pounds before surgery and the day I went in I was praying I would come out alive. Once I woke up, I was in hell. My entire body hurt so bad and the binge monster was STILL there only I could not eat ANYTHING to help. The entire first month was like this until the hunger chemical in my body left and then it was like the clouds parted. My mind was clear for the first time since I could remember. That was almost 4 months ago. (Surgery date March 21st) I still have to make good choices since this surgery allows you to eat anything you want. I am in control of me. The binge monster is is so small I have no problem pounding him to a pulp when I need too... :) This makes it much easier to make the right choices. I am still in physical therapy three times per week and counseling once per week. The surgery can't fix the internal voice that tells you you are not good enough. It doesn't fix low self esteem that brought you to this place. It can't teach you self acceptance, but damn it, it helps! :) Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. When you see your body change and you can see the extreme difference in your QUALITY of life, you mindset changes. I don't call myself fat pig every day like I used too. Now I say... "wow! Look what I can do now!" :) This past weekend I went BOATING and had a wonderful time. I love the boating pic of me because I had no idea my pic was being taken (my hubby was taking a pic of my baby who had fallen asleep) and I was smiling, looking out on the water enjoying my new life. It is a real moment. My life is full of real moments. ALL THE TIME. It took me almost 2 weeks to lose 2 pounds to get to the 100 and it didn't bother me a bit that I don't lose as fast as others because EVERY DAY I see changes. EVERY DAY I am trying something I haven't tried before and it feels GREAT~! I just want to say thanks to all of you who cheer me on and uplift me. THAT is what the weight loss blogging world should be about. PLEASE don't take part in anything that tears someone down or makes fun of how they are doing something. EVERYONE, even mean people deserve a happy life and hurting others doesn't help anyone get healthy or live their best life. Anyway, here are the pics. :) I still have a LONG way to go (about 85 pounds) but I am more than half way there and looking forward to the ride. :)

Below: boating on Sat Below: THE WALL... Notice, I am taking the pic from the OTHER side this time. That is my silver van in the distance where I SAT before after the lowest point in my life, watching everyone else down at the lake. (We went back to the scean of the crime this weekend, the same weekend I found out I had lost 100 pounds. :)

Below: Hi Wall! You look good from this side! :)
My beautiful view from the OTHER SIDE of the wall. I played in the water with my kids and had a great time!
I came, I saw, I CONQUERED! :) Here's to Life. :)

ONE MORE POUND TO GO!

261 as of today. ONE MORE POUND to my first goal of losing 100 pounds in 9 months! I have only lost 2 pounds in two weeks but I am FINE with that. I do so many new things each day! Yesterday we went out to dinner with our family that is visiting from Cali. I walked all around the area with them, never had to sit down, had a great time at dinner without obsessing about the food. Today I filled up my kids pool, swept the floor and I am about to mop. I cleaned up the counters, dried some clothes... SO NORMAL but I have not done any of that in YEARS! It was so cool to walk int he laundry room and throw in the clothes. Funny that something so small makes me want to cry. Anyway, I took this pic yesterday of my family walking. It was so awesome to watch them and be PART of everything they were doing. I will not lie, I want that 100 pounds, but I want LIFE more and it's the life moments that I need to celebrate. :)

I am a model!!!!

Ok, maybe not, but dang it, I look GOOD in this pic! Thank the good Lord, I like myself in a pic where I am not sitting, not hiding behind someone else, not looking up to hide chins, not angling to the side... Straight on me. Right in the middle with my hair blowing in the wind being the sexy girl I am... lol :) Ok, maybe that is too much. :) It feels good to feel good if that makes sense. I am 263, THREE pounds away from 100 lost. SLOW going, but I have non-scale-victories almost everyday that I can focus on. We had our annual 4th of July party and I played musical chairs! :) Then, when we went to the fireworks show, I walked a LOT, didn't need to stop and sit AND I CLIMBED A 4 foot FENCE! :) We were on our way to the fireworks and everyone was walking across the field as a shortcut. When I got up there, I didn't see an opening in the fence. I thought of going under, but I would get dirty and everyone around me was going over. so... I said... "screw it! Just try Lisa!" to myself and started over. I had help on the other side getting down, but by golly, I climbed the damn thing myself. I cooked for this years festivities WITHOUT a chair, stood the entire time, took tons of pics, had a great time. Amen for this choice I made. IT WAS THE RIGHT ONE FOR ME and since I am in a spunky mood, I would like to say BITE ME to everyone who talked crap, who expected me to fail, who said I would chicken out, who said I wasn't ready, who stalked me :), who put me down for being so open here with my struggles. My name is Lisa and I am REAL. I don't sugar coat, preach to people about what they should do, I don't bully people to try things my way, and I am changing my life. My name is Lisa and I am happy and PROUD of myself and all that I accomplished even BEFORE my surgery. My name is Lisa and I like who I am and what made me this way. :) I admit I am insecure. I feel pain when others don't like me. I have low self esteem that I am working on. I have a GREAT family and a few wonderful friends. I like my honesty. I hate mean people. I have a painful past. I am in charge of me and have a problem when I can't control my surroundings. I am a FOOD ADDICT. When you have been to hell, you appreciate everything much more than you would have had you never dealt with the darkness.

Below: my back yard. We had a dunk tank this year. :) Our party had 15 adults and 22 kids.

Below: that is me on the left. :)

Below: that is the fence I climbed. Doesn't look like much to most, but it was at least 4 feet tall and for a girl who this time last year could not walk more than a few steps, it might as well have been a 10 foot wall.