You see the big yellow water slide? Well, I went down that thing! I, Lisa, went on a WATER SLIDE!!!! It was my first time in at least 20 years. The last time I went on a water slide I was in jr. high. By the time I got to high school, I was already (in my mind) to big to be in a bathing suit in front of a living, breathing person. I also have to admit, it took me a good hour to work up the nerve to on this one. I spent a good amount of time telling myself all the things that could go wrong. #1, I could have a hard time going up the 4 flights of stairs to the top and have to turn around and go down in front of everyone. #2 I could actually get stuck on the water slide because we have all seen that "America's funniest home video" where the really big guy has to push him self down the slide because he is to heavy for the water to carry him down. Did I really want that to happen in front of my friends and my husband and kids? #3 What if the slide cracked or came off it's hinges under my weight? How would I feel knowing that I broke the slide for everyone? THEN, the negative self talk started. My addiction was once again telling me I was not good enough. "Lisa, you still look gross. No one wants to see a whale with fat rolls walk up those stairs and go down the slide... You should wait until next year... Maybe you will look better by then... You are just asking to be humiliated... don't do it..."
After an hour of this, I told that voice to shut the hell up and buckle it's seatbelt because I am about to have fun!
I practically ran up those stairs and was not winded AT ALL. I do admit to checking with the lifeguard about the weight limit at least 20 times before I went down... lol It was really one of those moments that changes things. I sat there at the top. (I got down on the slide all by myself..:) I took some deep breaths. Once again that voice tried to talk me out of this. "The kids in the water or those along the side ride will see you! They will make fun of you! If you end up getting stuck, you are going to have to yell for help..." You will embarrass your husband...
I took another deep breath. It is now or never Lisa! Tell that voice, tell ALL the voices of people who tell you you can't, you won't, you shouldn't... Tell them to go to hell! So, with that, I pushed off REALLY hard. I intended to own this slide. I intended to show that voice that I AM IN CHARGE. I went down that slide like there was no tomorrow. I flew around the turns, I was going faster and faster until "SPLASH!" I hit the water. It felt like a baptism. I was coming up a new woman. Washed away was the voice of weakness. Washed away was the "I can't, I won't, I should not." What emerged was FUN. I felt like a kid. I felt free. I walked around for the rest of the time in all my fat roll glory, no bathing suit cover, enjoying all the evening had to give me. I am free. I AM IN CHARGE of the quality of my life. I am still way off from being a bathing suit beauty, and will any of us really ever get there? Will I ever look like a model in a bathing suit? No, but I am WORTHY of fun. I may never be "bathing suit ready" so there is no need to put off life anymore! I know, all this from a water slide? Yes. Go on one as soon as you can so you can feel it too. :)
11 comments:
I just found your blog a couple of weeks ago and just really had to comment. CONGRATULATIONS! While I think it's wonderful you were able to go down the water slide, because hey, that is AWESOME, even more than that I think it's inspirational that you were able to overcome your negative self-talk and do something like this. Too many times we let the past dictate what the future is going to be like and letting go of the past is so difficult. Way to go on pushing past that and keep pushing! :-)
I have done the same thing a few times this summer and love the FREEDOM to actually enjoy living in my body. I've done two waterparks already this summer and doing the slides and floating in the lazy river is something that "regular" sized people think nothing about, but for me it was such an incredible feeling. I am so glad you did this!!
Brilliant. I'm so happy for you and so impressed with your progress - both physical and mental. I think you can (and should) stick two fingers up to all the people who doubted or left unkind comments. Way to go, Lisa.
All I can say is AWESOME !!! Feels great, doesn't it ? Reading your blog now is like listening to a different person. You should feel SO proud, you are an AWESOME woman. Keep up the wonderful attitude. You are winning the battle with the negative voice inside you. :-)
Lisa, this is one of the most beautiful posts I have ever read. You deserved every second of that ride, the power and the freedom. You know Dr Phil once wrote, "
even Cindy Crawford doesn't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford". You are your own beauty queen no matter what your size. Glad you're living life. *hugs*
All I have to say is:
YOU ROCK!
Everytime I see a new post here I get a little excited to see what new things you're doing with your family.
I love seeing how much fun you're having. You've come so far in the past year.
Congratulations!
You are a rock star!!
Lori
What a FABulous feeling! I know that negative self talk SO well - good for you for shutting it up and having a great time!
Yah for you! I'm very happy for your NSV!!
DAwn
Woohoo! Good for you! I'm so glad you went down and had fun.
Amen! So awesome Lisa. I'm telling you I hit that same point this year. I'm tired of worrying about what others will think if I wear shorts, skirts, or even a bathing suit. That was my body insecurities, associated w/ the weight. And I broke that bad habit this year. I've been going out, wearing what I want and finally being comfy in my skin (but also not wearing a 2 piece) LOL. Btw, I know that slide was super fun. We went to Schlitterbahn this past weekend and had a ton of fun on those slides/rides.
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