Not all rainbows and lollipops...

I think I need to add some balance here. Surgery for me was the most wonderful thing I could have ever done for myself. I have so many new moments. This morning I am 255. That is a 105 pound WL. 55 pounds since surgery 4 months ago. I am reaping the benefits now, but the beginning was more than hard. To start, the liquid diet before surgery was the WORST part. This is withdrawal for any food addict. Every sound, every voice, every gust of wind was like knives cutting me. Every thought was of food. Every dream, every thought, every wish. It was a HORRIBLE two weeks. I cried almost everyday. It really hit me how much I needed help. Then after the surgery, those same issues came up about three or four days after surgery. I was STARVING. The hunger chemical was still in my system (the stomach produces Ghrelin which tells your brain you are hungry. When the stomach is removed, you no longer produce Ghrelin.)

I could not eat and I could barely drink about 8 oz of water per day. I was in so much pain. I would not do anything. I needed my poor husband to take me to the bathroom and wipe me. It was a very low moment for me. I stayed that miserable for almost a month. Then, I started noticing I could do more and more. It's been like that ever since. Each new day brings a new thing I can do. Right after my surgery, I was having SERIOUS regrets. I missed food so much. I missed the relationship my mind had with food. I had no source of comfort, peace, happiness... In therapy I talked about my lack of coping skills without food. That first two months or so were hard mentally above all else. I was still in what I would call "withdrawal." Now, 4 months later EVERYTHING is different. I still get to enjoy food. I am "normal" now when it comes to food. I am never hungry and I eat very small portions, but even with those small portions I am completely full and satisfied which for me was something I never got from dieting. I have said this before... This surgery is NOT for everyone. I had lost control on so many levels and needed medical help. Doing this has also exposed me to some of the inside layers emotionally which in the past I could bury with food. I am just now starting to explore my grief from the lost of my Papa and Grammie. I am just now getting to the deep levels of shame I felt as a child as a result of getting molested. I told my therapist last week that I now feel like my issues are right under my skin, trying to get out and I don't feel ready to "see" them. In my mind, I still know that a binge would drive those issues back down "where they belong" but I no longer physically have that option so I have no other choice but to start addressing things as they surface. Anyway, I guess this post has lots of thoughts. Thanks for reading.