I DID IT!!! 100 pounds lost (pic included)

Wow. I can't believe this is here. I actually got there several days ago (actually, 101 pounds lost but who's counting right?) but I have been so busy with company I could not update here. All I an say is that I rock on so many levels... lol j.k. Actually, my sweet bloggy friend Chris pointed out a few posts back that my lowest point, my rock bottom came last summer when my family was going to the lake and I could not get down from a wall in order to go to the sand beach from the sidewalk. It was horrible. Everyone was staring, I ended up ROLLING on the ground in order to get to a standing position. I broke down in tears right in front of all the lake go-ers. I ended up watching my family at the lake FROM MY CAR. It was so sad. I was so embarrassing. Until that moment, I never realized how my food addiction TRULY affected my family. I knew I would be a better wife and mom if I could get around more, but this was a new low entirely. My sweet hubby wanted to leave because it hurt him to see me that way, but I said no because I didn't want to upset the kids. That was the day I was literally watching my life pass me by. I saw my family's life as it would be without me and they all looked sad. Honestly, what right did I have to adopt all these kids if I didn't plan on being around for them? How must they feel to be put in the back seat to food? Then, what about me? I was DYING. Physically, spiritually, emotionally. I prayed everyday, all day for God to "save me" from this addiction. To release me from this demon that possessed my soul.

On this day, it was clear that I needed medical intervention. I was so afraid of the future, how would I live without certain foods? How would I celebrate, mourn, feel without my go-to foods? A few months after this episode I was hospitalized for breathing & heart problems. After all the work-ups the Dr walked in my room and told me ALL of my problems were obesity related, even at my young age. The day I left the hospital, I never binged again. I never ate sweets, I went cold turkey. I had the will power that came from a place of fear and shame. The WRONG reasons because if you are doing this out of guilt or hatred of yourself, you will not feel better and although I was "doing it", I didn't feel any better about myself. It didn't help that at that time I was being cyber bullied by a mean blogger and his few "followers." It was hard to realize that people were reading this blog like they would watch a soap opera, just to see what happens next. My pain, my struggles were amusing and even funny. I was pursued all over the Internet, every community which I belonged was tracked by this person and his "friends." Every post I wrote and picture I took was copied for his his personal use. It was SCARY. I went as far as to find out who he is (through a fellow blogger) and call the police. But during all this I did not give up nor did I let that negativity change my mind. I moved forward with the VSG surgery (NOT the band or bypass) even with being told I would fail, that I would chicken out, that I am not ready. Only the person doing it knows if they are ready. My heart and body was SCREAMING at me to get help. The binge monster was still in there and he was loudly protesting my changes and if I wanted to keep him away I would need help. I lost 50 pounds before surgery and the day I went in I was praying I would come out alive. Once I woke up, I was in hell. My entire body hurt so bad and the binge monster was STILL there only I could not eat ANYTHING to help. The entire first month was like this until the hunger chemical in my body left and then it was like the clouds parted. My mind was clear for the first time since I could remember. That was almost 4 months ago. (Surgery date March 21st) I still have to make good choices since this surgery allows you to eat anything you want. I am in control of me. The binge monster is is so small I have no problem pounding him to a pulp when I need too... :) This makes it much easier to make the right choices. I am still in physical therapy three times per week and counseling once per week. The surgery can't fix the internal voice that tells you you are not good enough. It doesn't fix low self esteem that brought you to this place. It can't teach you self acceptance, but damn it, it helps! :) Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. When you see your body change and you can see the extreme difference in your QUALITY of life, you mindset changes. I don't call myself fat pig every day like I used too. Now I say... "wow! Look what I can do now!" :) This past weekend I went BOATING and had a wonderful time. I love the boating pic of me because I had no idea my pic was being taken (my hubby was taking a pic of my baby who had fallen asleep) and I was smiling, looking out on the water enjoying my new life. It is a real moment. My life is full of real moments. ALL THE TIME. It took me almost 2 weeks to lose 2 pounds to get to the 100 and it didn't bother me a bit that I don't lose as fast as others because EVERY DAY I see changes. EVERY DAY I am trying something I haven't tried before and it feels GREAT~! I just want to say thanks to all of you who cheer me on and uplift me. THAT is what the weight loss blogging world should be about. PLEASE don't take part in anything that tears someone down or makes fun of how they are doing something. EVERYONE, even mean people deserve a happy life and hurting others doesn't help anyone get healthy or live their best life. Anyway, here are the pics. :) I still have a LONG way to go (about 85 pounds) but I am more than half way there and looking forward to the ride. :)

Below: boating on Sat Below: THE WALL... Notice, I am taking the pic from the OTHER side this time. That is my silver van in the distance where I SAT before after the lowest point in my life, watching everyone else down at the lake. (We went back to the scean of the crime this weekend, the same weekend I found out I had lost 100 pounds. :)

Below: Hi Wall! You look good from this side! :)
My beautiful view from the OTHER SIDE of the wall. I played in the water with my kids and had a great time!
I came, I saw, I CONQUERED! :) Here's to Life. :)